Feelings … whoa, whoa, whoa … feelings …
I’m phreaking lonely and I need new acquaintances. The kind you have in real life. Ones where I don’t have to drive to another city with which to hang. I’m tired of being in the confines of my house pretending to be happy. I’ve lost interest in shopping by myself. I long for a dinner and movie companion. I’m frustrated having to be a part-time boy. I’m pissed about only being able to be a part-time me. I’m bitter about my all encompassing fear of being read. I’m saddened how after all this time, I still have to push myself, test my limits, overcome the paralyzing fear … “Amy, just keep going girl, you’re okay, you’re not being read. Just keep going dammit !! LISTEN TO ME !” I’m phreaked about the upcoming changes in my life. I’m exhausted from trying to be supporting and understanding of family and friends. I’m bored with the redundancy of my voice training and exercises. I’m infuriated that all I get are negatives. I feel empty how no one cares about me, but just about the role I’ve played. I’m indignant about being perceived as suddenly stupid. I’m disappointed that isolation and withdrawal have such an allure to me. I worry about job and career. And … I’m unhappy that my life is in such a state.
But you know what … though I feel each and every one of those emotions so intensely, sometimes my brain just shuts down and I stare at a wall … I’m okay with it.
“Say what jellybean?”
Yeah, seriously. I’m okay with it ! 🙂
First of all, I am totally convinced, that the emotions I’m now feeling are just part of the whole transition process. Whenever I feel this way, I go to others on-line journals and diaries covering this time during their transition. And though maybe said in different ways, the crux of the emotional track is the same. I think we all go through it. I think in some ways it helps us grow and mature, emotionally and socially, as women.
And second of all, I’m phreaking feeling !! Something I rarely used to do when I was just going through the motions of pretending to live life. Feeling involves risk … you’ll have some good feelings and some not-so-good feelings … but if you’re feeling, you’re living. And since I’m starting to feel … I’m starting to live. And that’s so kewl !! 🙂
But still, the positive aspects of starting to live and the belief that it’s not as bad as it could be, doesn’t mitigate what I’m feeling right now:
Loneliness. Frustration. Pissed-off-ness. Bitterness. Sadness. Phreaked-out-ness. Exhaustion. Hate. Terror. Anger. Boredom. Infuriation. Emptiness. Indignation. Disappointment. Worry. Pissed-off-ness again. Unhappiness.
I think I’m going to take a dose of isolation and withdrawal this weekend.
wtph
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oh, yeah,
maybe it’s time for another little screenplay…
🙂
i’ll see what i can come up with…
ooo! ooo!
me first, me first!
yeah, you’re right, it’s normal…
🙂
i think i’ve quoted this before,
but it’s worth repeating–
Hey, don’t write yourself off yet.
It’s only in your head you feel left out,
Or looked down on.
Just try your best, try everything you can.
And don’t you worry what they tell themselves
when you’re away.
It just takes some time, little girl
you’re in the middle, middle of the ride. Everything will be just fine,
everything will be alright.
Hey, you know they’re all the same.
You know you’re doing better on your own,
so don’t buy in. Live right now.
Yeah, just be yourself.
It doesn’t matter if it’s good enough
for someone else. It just takes some time,
little girl you’re in the middle of the ride.
Everything will be just fine,
everything will be alright.
Hey, don’t write yourself off yet.
It’s only in your head you feel left out,
or looked down on.
Just do your best, do everything you can.
And don’t you worry what the bitter hearts
are gonna say.
It just takes some time, little girl
you’re in the middle of the ride.
Everything will be just fine,
everything will be alright.
(jimmy eats world; “Middle”
and this one, too:
Yesterday my friend said,
“You look just like a princess.”
I could not believe him.
Was he talking to someone else?
I looked behind me
and
in front of me.
I looked under the bed
and
on top of the closet.
No one else was there.
Again my friend said,
“You look just like a princess.”
He really said it to ME!
I felt all twinkling inside.
That’s how I got to be a princess.
(bobbie katz; “How I Got to be a Princess”)