Decision – Option 4
(aka “Death Becomes Her“)
Suicide
Self-termination
Personally Induced Euthanasia
Call it what you will ….. it doesn’t matter …… ’cause whatever you call it ….. the final result is the same …..
I’d be dead.
At no point have I ever seriously felt suicidal …..
In fact …..
The mere mention that I am considering it in my final re-evaluation of my decision ……
From a completely fresh perspective …..
And placing it on a equal footing as the other Options …..
Has offended and bothered many of my viewers ….
For that I am sorry.
But I’m not doing this as …..
A ratings gimmick,
A cry for help, or even …..
As a threat to those who might accept nothing other than Option 3. (Though it probably really isn’t beneath me to do just that.)
I’m doing this to fully analyze this Option ….. and let others see my analysis path …..
Some of it might apply to them …. Some of it might not …..
But either way ……
It is information …… which has to help ….. the greater good !!
Analysis Procedure – It is a simple one kids. Used the same for each Option. I list the Advantages and Disadvantages. That’s all ….. not all Advantages are created equal …. nor does one Advantage equal one Disadvantage. And when comparing Options …. an Option with more Disadvantages might still have enough Advantages to be preferrable to one with all Advantages. Make sense ?? Didn’t think so ….. just stick around …. it will eventually. 🙂
Advantages
Selfless
I’ve broached the point before …..
In my particular situation …..
I have concluded that after all is said and done ….
Suicide would be a selfless act on my part.
Yeah … I know …. that statement alone pisses some people off ….
‘Cause it’s automatically presumed by some that suicide is the epitomy of selfishness ….
But I don’t think that’s always the case ….
Sometimes …. people put themselves in situations …. where death is certain ….. or at least practically certain …..
But yet ……
They do it to save the life of others, ……
Or because …..
They have decided greater good for others could come from their death, their sacrifice ….
Whatever.
Anyways …. let’s look at me …..
The biggest reason why I think suicide would be a selfless act on my part ….
Is because …..
No one needs me …..
I’m not saying that in a sad way,
Or to evoke sympathy …..
I’m simply saying it as a statement of fact ….
No one needs me.
I have no children ….
I have no spouse …
There is no one that really needs me.
That doesn’t mean that there aren’t people who love me or want me ……
But simply ….. I’m really not needed.
So by not being needed, if I’m not around ….. well ….. hey ……
From an obligation/responsbility perspective ….
I’m not letting anyone down …..
And thus …..
Though the act might be distasteful …..
Since I’m not needed and not letting anyone down ….
I’m not being selfish …..
Now sure …..
I might be missed …..
By some people who want me around …..
But …..
The “me” they want around would only make be available if I chose Option 3 …… ’cause if I choose Option 1 or Option 2 …… “me” ceases anyways ….. it’s just that a different “me” reappears …
And there is a legitimate possibility ……
That there might be less pain for some people …..
If they can preserve the memory of “me” ……
Without enduring the emergence of a new “me”……
Heck ….
It would spare them the embarassment of being known as having a transsexual child, sibling or friend ….
Along with avoiding the difficulty and emotional impact enduring such a change would have on them ….
Simply ….. among those who want “me” around …..
The pain of dealing with my death ……
Could be less burdensome and difficult than the pain of dealing with Option 1, or even Option 2.
But let’s put the number of people who want “me” around in perspective …..
There really aren’t that many …..
Definitely ….. the ones I think want me around …… and would miss me …. whose life would be impacted by my death …..
Mom, Dad, Brother, Shaft, Singer, Ex, Sister-in-Law, Nephew One, Nephew Two, Shaft’s Son – That’s Ten People.
Ones who want me around, who would miss me …. but whose life wouldn’t be impacted by my death …..
Hottie, Sister, OBP, Tenant, Satan, Three Uncles, Five Aunts – That’s Thirteen People.
That’s 23 people …. total !!!
Not a heck of a lot ……
Granted ….. I know a lot of people ….. but out of all the people I know …. say ‘hi’ to ….. do favors for …… just know ….. ya know ??
There’s only 23 people in the world that really want me around and would really miss me ….
Wow …. do I ever feel insignificant !! lol
So ten people’s lives would be impacted by my death ….
And though six of those ten know already ….. they all …. along with the other thirteen who would miss me ….. would be allowed to keep the memory of “me” …..
The “me” they want anyway.
Letting them keep that “memory” might be a very selfless act.
Easy to Implement
Compared to the other options …. suicide would be an easy implementation. No need for facial feminization surgery, no need for srs, no need for more electrolysis, no need for a masectomy if I went with Option 3. Heck I could stop electro, stop hormones …. really wouldn’t need to do too much at all …. just plan and execute.
Eliminates Personal Anquish
I have never really considered myself in such personal pain or anguish that I would be pushed to suicide. That really hasn’t changed ….. but let’s be real …. if Option 4 is selected, it would eliminate any TS anquish I was feeling. Ahhh …. it just does !!
Disadvantages
Quality of Life Opportunities
I would be dead.
Soooo basically …. the quality of life opportunies would probably be worse with this Option than any of them ….. cause I’d be dead ….. get it ?? Just can’t have a quality of life if you’re dead.
Significant Anguish to a Limited Few
I’m not going to name numbers …… but I think that out of 9 people who would miss me, want me to be around and whose life would be impacted by my death …… the pain felt by about half of them would be significant.
Finality
Once implemented …… you’re kinda committed to it ….. There really isn’t any changing your mind with this option.
People could never get to know the new “me”.
And some might grow to learn or like the new “me”.
Even though …. if I did commit suicide ….
There are bound to be a few people who would feel regret or remorse or guilt for not being more supportive or understanding …..
Who would say …..
“If I only knew they were suffering to such a degree …. I would have been more supportive, helpful, understanding …. whatever.”
And I’m sure they would mean it ….
Kinda like I mean it when Shaft brings up a box of copier paper to the office ….. and I say ….
“Dude, you shoulda called me …. I would have helped.”
I say it and mean it when I say it because …..
I have no risk of really having to follow through on that statement of support !!
I do think that suicide takes away any chance that someone might get to prefer the new “me” better than the old “me”.
So it takes away opportunities …..
And with its finality, precludes you from even changing your mind in the future.
Implementation
It’s in my nature to implement whatever I do in such a way to minimize the disadvantages while maximizing the advantages.
Nothing you can do to minimize the Quality of Life disadvantage with suicide …..
But you could reduce the anguish to the limited few.
How ??
Come on …… suicide for me would not be a cry for help …. it’d simply be a decision to implement ….
I’d implement it in such a manner to disguise my involvement ….
Set-up Accident or Suicide by Hero would be the choices ….
Distance my involvement ….
And those limited few ….
Who would possibly suspect set-up ….
Could deny it had anything to do with my transsexualism …..
And over time …..
They would.
Summary
There are very few people in my life who would miss me, want me to be around and whose life would be impacted by my death. Under certain implementations, suicide could be preserving the long term memories in a positive way for those limited few, while minimizing the pain of my death. It is a relatively easy Option to implement, but once implemented, there is no changing your mind. My quality of life would cease permanently.
And that …..
Is ….
The Case for Suicide.
shaft–
umm… yeah…
but the point would be that
SOME people would see it as the death of the person they knew, because they didn’t know amy…
Sorry I’m jumping in late. Sianna and Stacy, thanks for the great thoughts. I won’t step on myself trying to add to well-crafted words. Sorry, Amy, you’re wrong and I’m right. Told you so.
Oh, yeah. I don’t see a personality death in the other (real) options. You are who you are. I assume your sense of humor, deep loyalty to others, and mastery of completely useless information will remain. Your delivery will simply reflect who you always have been more accurately. Personal favor (double-dog): close out option 4 now.
too late, si…
i finished MY iggy pop…
you’ve never seen “Fiddler on the Roof”?
“My daughter is dead!”???
some people will view another’s transition
as a suicide;
to them,
it is the abrupt end of someone they knew…
Amy wrote
I’d never remove a site because I disagree with one’s position or they disagree with mine ! What does “iggied” mean ?? I think I like the sound of that word !! 🙂
Iggie – Ignored; made silenced, usually acomplished by blocking ones IP number and IM id in im programs, deleting their email address, phone number, and removing their website links from your website… cutting off all contact, a procedure I under took with several people recently, including Caitlyn.
Mostly, by the time you iggy someone the feeling is mutual. And I have been rather deserving of iggydom recently… 😛 So I included that as a legal watching my ass statement.
but to the real meat, option 1 isn’t dying… your personality becomes true to your soul… if that scares people that they think you are suddenly dead, then they are just dumb… if you breathe, live and are awake you just arent dead. It might hurt to see you change, but at least in my case, not as much as it would hurt seeing you just stop being.
ok, i’d better shut my yap before stacy remarks on anything I’ve said.
embarrassment–
forgive me if i’ve mentioned this already,
but part of my desire to obtain an anullment (the catholic thing( is the fact that i will have to present myself to other catholics, acknowledge my transsexualism, and not be embarrassed about it.
sorry,
embarrassment is another of those
tazer words for me…
honestly,
the only embarrassment my family has experienced in regard to my TSism stems from the fact that I’m the most beautiful woman in my family…
Stacy,
Uuhhhhhh …. nope …. never watched A Wonderful Life. Amazing huh? Considering the excessive satuation of television viewing my brain has endured …. I’ve never watched one of the more frequently aired movies of all time.
Embarassment …. yeah …. I know ….. I deliberated whether to remove that stream of conscious language from the posted version (yep …. I actually read this entry before posting …. seriously !! nk !! :)) I finally decided to keep it in …. mainly because it took me quite a while to get over the embarassment of being a transsexual, and though now, it’s really getting hard for me to remember what it was like to be embarassed about it …. I remember I had been and imagine others in my life might be if I go with Option 1 or Option 2 …. at least for a period of time …. like I was.
Si —
Good point … there’s no doubt that a significant flaw in the Option 4 analysis is the understated (vanity here :)) and unknown degree to which an Option 4 implementation would impact others.
Death hurts ….
whether it’s death by one’s own hand,
by accident/nature,
or by removal of a personality from one’s life (Option 1).
I do think that if Option 4 was implemented and disguised by accident, it would be less painful for some, leave fewer unanswered questions, than obvious death by one’s own hand.
The downside to both death by one’s own hand or disguised as an accident is the finality. With death of a personality only (Option 1) …. there is the possibility that the replacement personality would become accepted as an adequate (and maybe preferred) personality over the previous one. Only time would tell, but if Option 4 was implemented …. there would be no time.
I’d never remove a site because I disagree with one’s position or they disagree with mine ! What does “iggied” mean ?? I think I like the sound of that word !! 🙂
Of course I’d bail you out …. heck … I would be the one that drove you to the Springer show !! lol
you know,
i did interview at the department of redundancy
department.
Twice.
So I’m comfortable repeating this:
selfish/selfless is an obfuscation.
You’re analysis is quite good,
but i get the impression you’ve never watched
“It’s a Wonderful Life”
and Sianna has gotta be right about
your underestimation of the impact on
EVERYONE you know…
you’re thinking “need” in the “water-test” sense of the word:
if you hold you finger in a glass of water for ten seconds, then take it out and the shape of your finger remains in the water, then you’re needed…
and i take exception with “embarrassment of having a transsexual child”
anyone embarrassed by that
DESERVES to be embarrassed…
I like you, alot, and so set aside that for a moment, because the side you are about to hear from is the same mean cold ice bitch side that Caitlyn recently got a peek of:
Suicide is never selfless. You may think you are not needed, but you do not live in a vacuum, much as you’d like to think so. You mention significant anguish to a limited few, as a survivor of five friends and a lover who took their own lives, I can tell you that the anguish I still feel to this day for my lost friends is FAR more than “significant.” Did I need these people? Some it might be argued that I did not, but looking back, seeing the gaping hole they have all left in my life after the fact, I’d argue that yes I need them. (still, to this day)
And here’s a reality check: you are not aware of all the people who need you. Sometimes needs can come from the most unexpected places. As far as it goes, I for one need you, as an ally, a friend, a colleague, and yes, even a fan. Your death would be a violation of my trust in all things good at the minimum, at the maximum, I would feel that I’ve lost another really good voice in my almost silent life. And that would ripple effect through my life, and others who need me would suffer because I suffer because you choose to call it quits. You can theorize all you want, but Ive been down that road. Too many fucking times.
And as someone who has actually attempted the suicide thing, I can tell you from the hotseat that you are kidding yourself if you think its “selfless.”
Unless your Hitler or osama, killing yourself does no one any favor. It disrupts lives, it creates dozens of unanswerable questions, and pretty much just transfers your suffering to many who are connected to you, whether you think they need you or not.
That said, should you want to kill yourself, I won’t stop you. But I will miss you, and suffer in a way that I’ve suffered too much already, and I highly doubt I’d be the only one.
Excuse me if I jump all over your sterile-packaged analysis bullshit, but it pisses me off to the nth degree when someone talks about suicide like its a nice alternative to just bucking up and dealing with the cards we got. Its not nice, its not neat, it’s not predictable or analyzable.. there s no way you can forsee the pain and anguish you experience as a survivor of suicide until you’ve been there.
That said, at least you’re facing it. If I havent yelled your ears bloody enough that you iggied me and removed my site from your blog, let me just say that I like you as a friend, and as a friend, I need you around.
*who else will bail me outta jail for smacking Jerry Springer?*