A Few Hours on a Sunday Afternoon

I spent several hours this afternoon talking with my parents … they wanted to talk to me after having read my Decision episodes.

A lot of what they read and a great deal of what we talked about was openly discussed for the first time …

My dad led the discussion … opening with the question that remained unanswered for the balance of the day … “We need to know, because we’ve talked about it and just don’t get it, what does it feel like to be a transsexual?”

The question was phrased in various ways, but ultimately, it always came back to that … and though I attempted to explain, all explanations were apparently inadequate, so I told them I’d find some more explanations that fit with my experience and e-mail them to them.

I had thought about sharing one of my copies of True Selves, but really did not feel that explained my personal experience well enough to be of much value to them …

So my current task is to find a better explanation of what it means to be a transsexual, what if feels like, how come it’s so bad that one would consider changing their sex?

I think it’s a good question. I’m not sure I’ll be able to find an adequate explanation, but I will try.

In the meantime … we continued on with the discussion …

It went pretty well for the most part … Mom and I had a few moments of rumbling at various times, Dad let us go for a bit and then would intervene … Dad knows practically all of my negotiating tactics and argumentative manuevers … heck, everything I know I’ve learned from him, I’ve just modified a few such that he might not recognize them at first glance … so he knew when he needed to intervene …

For the first time … we talked about me in “girl-mode” …

Mom thinks I must look like a “rough” girl, that I have no feminine qualities whatsoever, and that there’s not a girl component of my personality …

Hehehe … I’m such a good boy-actor !! lol

Saying since we were being blunt with this discussion …. “let me just say something we all know but haven’t stated … I do go out and about looking like a girl … most people that see me when I’m in that role, only see me as a girl … and most people seem to apparently think my mannerisms are not so out of place to attract unwanted attention, and I don’t look “rough” as a girl, though if I wanted to … I could (yeah, I didn’t need to add that part, but you always have to say something too much, otherwise … you can’t walk away learning anything), mainly I just look like a girl, sorta on the cute side, but that’s just my opinion.”

Dad asked, “Does it feel that much better for you when you are?”

“Yes, because I don’t even think about it when I am?”

Mom asked, “Has Shaft seen you as a girl?”

“Yes, he says I’m cute.” (I called him as soon as I left and told him he better confirm that when my parents talk to him !! 🙂 )

Mom asked, “What’s your name when you’re a girl?”

Ouch … my version of kryptonite !! Yes, we all know, as I said before, that’s the hardest damn question for me to answer … ugh !! I hate that question !! LOL … so … I lamely try stall and distract with my reply of …

“That’s always a hard question for me to answer.” *pause*

Though of course, they know all my tricks.

So Mom continues, “You have to have a name? What’s your name?”

“Amy.”

Mom made an ugly face.

“What’s your middle name?”

“Jill”

“Oh great, you didn’t even use one of my names.”

LOL I’m still digesting that comment.

“How did you pick Amy?”

“I liked it, long story, I ….”

Dad interjected, and for the first time showing, though hiding very well, displeasure with the topic of conversation, “We don’t need to talk about that right now, before we go there, we really need to get a better understanding of what it’s like to be a transsexual. We’ve gotten quite a bit of information from the Internet, but it’s really above our heads for the most part, we aren’t familiar with a lot of the terms used.”

Wow. Aren’t they great? Checking things out on their own !! 🙂 Thanks Mom and Dad ! *hugs*

“I wouldn’t say it’s above your heads, I don’t always understand the terms used, I will try to get a better explanation for you.”

We also talked extensively about the impact on my nephews … that’s a variable there is no doubt I have not given adequate consideration … I’m close with my nephews … it’s great being in the favorite uncle role … we go to movies, we play video games, we talk sports, I attend all their sports activities, they call me to do things, they call me to just talk, and they get to go to college on my nickel if I kick the bucket … it’s an issue I need to address … I definitely haven’t factored it as much as I should have.

Let’s see … what else did we talk about?

We reviewed all the Options …

Mom questioned my claim to knowing something was wrong since I was four (4) …

We talked about how an earlier transition would have made more sense, but would have been just as difficult to decide to do …

We talked about Ex and my relationship with her …

We talked about how tiresome living with my transsexualism has become, how it’s something I think about and live with practically every moment of every day … how it’s just getting harder and harder for me to suppress and conceal …

We talked about loneliness (which is what I feel and hate) and being alone (which I rarely am).

Mom started to talk about all the bad things about being a woman, I stopped her, said I those were all discussed in my Option 3 analysis as perks of being a guy that I’d miss, they’ve been addressed.

I said that even though apparently I’m not explaining what it’s like very well, that doesn’t mean that it’s not terribly hard for me to deal with, that it isn’t hard to suppress, or that it’s not real, it hurts … *I teared up again*

We talked about how I could be both lonely and alone with Option 1.

We talked some stats …

What percent of people who go with Option 1 are happier than they were before? I acknowledged that I don’t know good, scientifically reliable stats, but that I thought I read somewhere it was in the 90% range where people felt it was as good as before or better.

What percentage of people commit suicide if they stay with Option 3 and how does that compare to those that go with Option 1? I said I had no clue and that most that do Option 3 suicide I would suspect don’t list it as a reason why they committed suicide in any letters, so I don’t think good stats are available. I added …. and let’s be honest, even as much as you know, if I did an Option 4, I’d do it in such a way even you wouldn’t be able to say for sure it was because of my transsexualism. I know that some who go with Option 1 do eventually commit suicide, but I don’t know the percentage and suspect it’s less than the percentage if it was ever determined of those that go with Option 3. But that’s pure guesswork on my part.

Hmmm, kinda sounds like someone is going through an acceptable risk analysis !! LOL

I was still searching for an example to give them … of what it feels like …

In order to make something connect, you have to give them an example to which they can relate … we all know that …

I’m not going to locate a dead-on accurate analogy on the fly … but let’s go for an emotional type of analogy … so I totally winged the following

“One of you is at home and the other is out, but they are supposed to be home by 8:00 p.m. … it’s snowing, the roads are icy, it’s 10:30 p.m. and they aren’t home and you haven’t heard a word … you’re feeling a bunch of emotions … fear, dread, concern, and maybe even some anger because they could have at least called, heck, they have a cell phone … and all those emotions combine to make you feel very anxious … and that anxiety grows as each minute passes … and you still haven’t heard from them … and now it’s 11:00 p.m. … and that feeling right there of anxiety, made up of dread and feel and growing sorrow …. well, that feeling of anxiety is what every day of my life feels like all the time.”

“Or maybe you’ve told a fib to someone, neighbor, someone you work with, each other … and you know that feeling you have when the person you fibbed to starts broaching the topic of your fibbing … that nervousness, that fear that you might be called on the carpet, the pressure of having to try to steer the conversation away from your fib for safety … that feeling right there of dread, fear and anxiety … that is what every day of my life feels like all the time, because I just haven’t told a fib, I’ve told you and everyone I know … a whopper of a lie.”

“And finally you’ve had enough, you can’t take hiding the fib any more, so you tell your boss that you forgot to order the parts, or tell one another that you scratched the car, or tell your neighbor that you’re the one who drove over their mailbox. And you know that feeling of relief and contentment after you’ve told them, regardless of their response … that feeling of peace … well, that is why I think people choose Option 1.”

Not some of my best work on the fly … but there seemed to be a glimmer of recognition …

That was pretty much everything we talked about … it went well I think.

My parents are great … they stood by the window and waved to me as I drove away … we’ll be talking more and I know they are there for me, regardless …

But right now …

I feel weird.

And exhausted. 🙂