A Weekend of Tears
This weekend has been a weekend of movement …
I should be exhausted … at least emotionally exhausted,
But I’m not.
Ex and I have been having heartful, emotional, honest conversations and discussions about Option 1 since Wednesday …
And the extent of the tears this weekend … has been draining.
It kills me to disappoint friends and family … to dash their hopes.
Mom and Dad and I had a heartfilled, emotional, honest conversation and discussion about Option 1 today …
And there were tears … it was draining.
It kills me to disappoint friends and family … to dash their hopes.
The selfishness of this Decision has slapped me across the face this weekend.
The reality of this Decision has slapped me across the face this weekend.
But throughout this very trying time …
My family and friends have not disappointed me.
Their love for me and their support of me remains.
And after all is said and done …
Right now …
What am I left feeling ??
Fear … total, complete fear.
I’m scared.
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As a child I learned to fear discovery – the discovery of who and what I was. Childhood fears send down tap roots into more primal and pre-rational emotion. Vulnerability may tap into that reservoir.
The vulnerability is a big part of it and your description is perfect. I can’t add to it without doing it an injustice.
Though it’s not to be understated that the magnitude of what is about to begin … scares the krap outta me. But oddly, I don’t fear that. It just scares me … the vulnerability … that does seem to be more along the lines of fear.
I haven’t quite figured out why the difference though.
Hmmmm.
Trepidation? Oh yes. Changing sex isn’t for that faint of heart. What is it you fear? The magnitude of what remains? Losing those you love but who may ultimately not accept? Do you fear the vulnerability?
For how many years have you’ve worn a facade of deception. It chafes your psyche, but its hard shell is emotional armor. Who can hurt you deeply when all they can strike is a shield of lies? To live authentically is to bare your breast. You trade a covering of damascus steel for one of cotton damask.
You have reason to fear, but you also have hope. Fear keeps you sharp. Hope keeps you alive.
*hugs* it’s totally scary aims.
how did your pre-surgery meeting go?
..claire