Decision – Option 2

(aka “Somewhere In Between”)

Hmmm …..

This is a toughie to even describe ….. cause in theory ……

Option 2 is supposed to be sort of an Option in the middle of Option 1 and Option 3 (ya think ?).

And has been …..

Previously described as one where I continue living as a man, but implement various coping mechanisms, such as hormone replacement therapy and occasional cross living activities to improve my “quality of life” over that in Option 3 while retaining some of the advantages of Option 3.

But ……..

In practice …… the implementation of Option 2 could look eerily similar to the real life test in Option 1 …..

Cause in many ways …..

Some of the implementation steps of Option 2 ….

hormones
cross living excursions
surgeries

Are the same implementation steps of Option 1 ….

Just maybe on a delayed or slower timetable.

But for my purposes of evaluation ….

For this decision,

I think it is important that I do not consider it in that manner.

These decisions,

These Options,

They are being made now and chosen so that whatever I do with the rest of my life ….

I can do it with some commitment and certainty of who I’ll be …….

What role I’ll be presenting.

If Option 3 is elected, I can begin to make decisions with the expectation that I’ll spend the rest of my life as a man;

If I pursue Option 1, it’ll be with the plan I’ll be eventually spending the rest of my life as a woman; and,

If I choose Option 2, then it will be with the understanding that I have chosen to spend the rest of my life for most public presentation purposes as a man with secondary efforts to accommodate my transsexualism.

Analysis Procedure – Same as in Option 4 and Option 3 ….. you know the drill. I list the Advantages and Disadvantages …… gawd I hope you’re not reading this Analysis Procedure drivel. Remember sweeties …. not all Advantages are created equal …. it’s the law ….. nor does one Advantage equal one Disadvantage. So when I’m comparing Options …. yep ….. one Disadvantage can kick the bejeebers outta 5 Advantages ….. sooooo …… you just gotta read them all.

Advantages

Easier on family/friends

Let’s face it ….. this is the primary reason for the existence of Option 2. Period. Option 2 places a greater priority on the feelings of my family and friends, making things easier for them, than it does for myself. With this Option, my family members and friends can be protected from being faced with my transsexualism. Sure …. some might know, but it wouldn’t be in their face, in fact, they probably might even start to think I’ve gotten over it someday. And those that don’t know, would be none the wiser.

How does it make things easier for family and friends? Well, let’s just list a few things …. if they like me in Joe Hairdy role,

They don’t lose me in that role, and
They don’t have to deal with getting to know me, and
They don’t have to be “embarassed” by having a son, brother, friend, ex, former special someone who is having a …. “sex change” … eeeek !

Now I know, one doesn’t need to be embarassed about it, but it took me several years myself to get over the embarassment and self-perceived shame of being TS, so just because now to me it’s so “no big deal”, doesn’t mean that it’ll be nbd to my family and friends, and though they may get to that point someday, there would be a period of time when it would be embarassing for them and that would be hard on them.

Basically, in a lot of ways, life goes on as if nothing had happened …. at least for them.

That’s not a bad thing.

In fact, it’s a core element of my being to want to please my family and friends, to make things easier for them, not to “embarass” nor disappoint them. I can accomplish a great deal of that with Option 2.

Keep many of the benefits of my Savings Account of Life

If I’m doing the deed ….. workin’ the role …. playing da boy ….. then I’ll get to keep most of the benefits of my Savings Account of Life …. my career history, my educational background, my contacts, my associations and favors owed. Such things are nice ….. and useful.

Disadvantages

Quality of Life

Originally, when I was first writing this …. I had listed this as a Disadvantage. Interesting, huh? Cause really, part of the reason for having an Option 2 in the first place is to improve my Quality of Life over Option 3. So you’d think it would be inherent in the definition of Option 2 that it would be an Advantage instead of a Disadvantage, right? But in my head, at the stream of conscious moment of keying this out, I considered Quality of Life under Option 2 as a Disadvantage. So wild ….

Anyways …. I moved it back to an Advantage and started to punch a description of how my Quality of Life would be improved over Option 3 ….. but found myself unable to do such …….

About the only thing that I was able to toss out as a Quality of Life related Advantage was reduced anxiety that I feel while maintaining my hormone therapy …. and since I’d plan on being able to maintain my hormone therapy under Option 2 …. I would expect that bennie to continue.

But ….

The other effects of the hormones would not cummulate to reach satiety …..

In fact … just the opposite would occur.

With my current emotional state …..

There’s frustrations in having to keep it contained while in boy mode …

Something that would obviously continue under an Option 2 election.

And the physical changes …..

Are getting harder and harder to disquise

And will continue to be such.

So after is all said and down with regards to my Quality of Life, I’m listed it as a Disadvantage under Option 2.

Hard keeping track of two lives

The if I engaged in some cross living activities ….. you get the challenge of maintaing and living two separate lives. Now …. I can’t speak for all in such a situation …. but for me …. part-live living (part-time as a boy, part-time as a girl) …. is difficult to maintain. It’s damn exhausting …. not fun at all …. and they you’ve got the whole pressure of not slipping up …. not letting those who shouldn’t know about one, learn about the other ….. and as time goes on …. the risk of slipping up …. getting caught …. inadvertantly outted … increases dramatically. As it is now …. I have problems ….. I forget what role I’m in at times …. and my behavior is inconsistent with my appearance. I’ve also taken risks …. that I shouldn’t have …. placed myself in situations where someone I know in one role …. could see me in the other …. and it wouldn’t be good …. I’ve reduced such risk-taking …. but even being careful …. eventually …. it’d happen …. and until it did …. it’s a lot of work keeping two lives separate.

No Relationship Opportunities

The possibility for having a relationship with anyone while maintaining two lives …. seems pretty remote.

Oh sure, there’s always the chance I could find someone what would be incredibly “understanding” and “accepting” …. but the likelihood of finding such a relationship is slim …. and the demands on any relationship under such conditions would be great …. tiring and ….. I suspect ….. eventually suffocating.

Implementation

You gotta love the implementation of this Option. In fact, I should of listed Implementation as an Advantage …. cause it’s soooooo simple.

It’s what I’m doing now …. it’s what I’ve been doing the last 18 plus months ….

So implementation ….

Consists of just doing the ….

Same ‘ol thang.

Summary

Option 2 is a settlement …. it’s a compromise …. and as I have said often …. the benefit of a settlement is you have control over the outcome …. there are less unknowns …. but ….. the downside to a settlement is …… no one is completely happy …. because …. no one gets everything they want … it’s contrary to the inherent compromise nature of settlement. Option 2 is no different than any other settlement …. I’d be getting some of what I want ….. but at the same time ….. foregoing some of what I want.

I’d get to make things easier and happier for my family and friends. I wouldn’t disappoint or embarass them and I may even make them “proud” of me. Those are good things and terribly important to me. The importance of my family and friends to me cannot, simply cannot be understated. I’d also get to keep all of those tasty nice guy perks. And some are really good. On the downside, Option 2 would require the continuation of keeping a “secret” …. in some way, shape or from ….. I’d have to have keep one life separate from another and one known to some but not to others …. confusing huh? …. try living it. Such complications along with challenges in suppressing emotional states and physical changes all combine to call into question any Quality of Life improvement with Option 2. It also seems likely that the opportunity to have a fullfilling, non-lonely relationship with someone in the future, while implementing and following Option 2, is less likely than with any other Option.

And That …..

Is ….

The Case for Accommodation.