Decision – Recap

(aka “Milking the Ratings”)

There’s an inherent downside to the Decision analysis in which I have been engaged ….. and that is ……. by looking at each Option separately ….. you can easily lose track of the big picture …. you know, that whole seeing the forest through the trees thing.

So besides working the ratings :), the purpose of this Recap is to sorta step back and look at all the Options as they are interwoven with one another and see if that shines some light in any particular direction. That being said …..

I’m really incredibly lucky.

I have the opportunity to make a decision free from constraints which many who suffer from transsexualism find themselves bound.

I am not married,
I have no children, and
I have few obligations.

I can conceivably make this decision for me in a much freer manner than many. I don’t really have to concern myself with the impact this could have on my children, the feelings of betrayal I could have leaving an innocent spouse, or experiencing sense of desertion for not following through on previous commitments.

I am free to choose for me.

However, as you may have started to gleam already, I have a very difficult time putting myself first, my needs first. I honestly think it’s an ancillary effect of the coping mechanisms I have exercised over the years to survive my transsexualism ….. put others’ needs first and they are less likely to scrutinize you …. see you as a fraud. Anyways, it’s a hard habit to break.

Clearly, putting myself first is at the heart of Option 1. Though I was surprised to find how difficult it was for me to come up with Advantages to exercising Option 1. Really, there’s only one …. I listed two, but had to struggle to create a second. The big true Advantage of Option 1 is the chance to just be me. Of course I’ll still have the same trials and tribulations of just living life in general, bills to pay, broken hearts to mend, jobs to find, co-workers’ assassinations to plot, disputes to resolve, you know, the basics, but I’ll be doing it as me, without dealing with the additional responsibility of playing a role.

I was also surprised to find how little my Savings Account of Life meant to me. Now, sure …. it might mean a helluva lot to me if I don’t/didn’t have it ….. but in a lot of ways …. I honestly feel undeserving of it ….. that a lot of what I have acquired and accomplished …. I did under false pretenses and wasn’t deserving …. it wasn’t me that did it …. it was someone I pretended to be. Of course we can get into the whole “it was you” discussion, but that’s just my feeling and take on it ….. very odd.

But one thing I wasn’t surprised to find was just how important my family and friends are to me. How in my analysis of each Option, my concern for them seemed to be mentioned. It wasn’t something I planned on …. it was just something I noticed in retrospect. But it’s very true …. I’ve said before …. I’m intensely loyal to a select few … and that remains true today. And generally, the needs and concerns of those select few are given a higher priority than mine.

Is that a case of selflessness and loyalty, or is that me punishing myself for feeling guilt in deceiving them by pretending for all these years to be someone I’m not?

Don’t know …. I think it’s a bit of both, but that’s just a gut check. 🙂

And speaking of gut checks ….. regardless of the logical analysis, pyschoanalytical babblings and inner reflections undertaken, …..

Ultimately …..

This decision comes down to …..

What feels right?
What does my gut say?
What does my heart say?

Diagrams don’t do it ….
Lists of Advantages don’t do it ….
Lists of Disadvantages don’t do it …..

What tells you the right decision ….

Is when your inner self processes all you have considered, felt and evaluated …..

At a subconscious level …..

And then in a very vague, but clear way, tells you what you should you …..

It’s what you instinctively feel is right,
It’s what you feel in your gut,
It’s what you feel in your heart.

It’s telling you the Decision.

I have that feeling.

(Yeah, I know …. not much of a post, lacks substance and states the obvious, but there’s a little fresh material in there and hey, what do you expect, it’s the Recap episode ! :))