Decision – The Decision

(aka “The Flux Capacitor”)

“If you keep doing the same ol’ thing,
you’ll keep getting the same ol’ thing.”

I overheard someone say that yesterday as I was walking down the street …. makes sense …. good observation ….. whatever.

I fully expected that once I got to this point ….. the Decision would be easy for me to make …..

But it hasn’t been.

Granted …..

I do think it is obvious what my Decision should be …..

Clearly Option 1,

I’ve known that for a while.

But actually making a Decision hasn’t been easy for me.

That’s why I did this exercise,

To sort through my thoughts and feelings with regards to what I might possibly do …..

To see if that helps make it easier for me to decide what course of action to take.

But it didn’t …..

It just reaffirmed what I already knew. That ….

My family and dear friends are critically important to me;
It would be terribly painful for me to disappoint or hurt them; and,
I watch way too much television.

Now ….. I know …. this is a HUGE decision …..

It’s the rest of my life I’m talk about …..

So it makes sense that it’s not easy …..

And it should be difficult.

I also shouldn’t be looking for the Decision to be made for me by others,

This is something I need to Decide for myself.

And I have.

To see the first Option voted off the Island …. then

A Tie.

Option 2 and Option 4 are the first to be eliminated.

Both at the same time.

Now before you get all pissed off that there was even a tie,

And that Option 4 should have never been considered …. listen.

Option 2 is really no different than what I’m doing now,

Trying to manage two different personas, and

Struggling to maintain their distinctions.

It’s treading water,

Frustrating,

And just killing time.

For some, it’s not only a legitimate Option, but the only option.

However, under my circumstances, there is no need to do it.

The only reason to choose Option 2 would be a fear of making a Decision.

And for me, Option 2 really wouldn’t be living a life at all. I’d just be going through the motions, with no end in sight.

Which is why it’s tied with Option 4.

For me, Option 4 has a lot of merit to it,

It eliminates my discomfort, and

Could preserve happy memories of me for my family and dear friends.

But …..

Like Option 2 …..

Not only is it not living a life …..

It’s permanently ending one.

With no chance of recovery.

And for me …. both are simply unacceptable.

As such, those two Options have been discarded, banished and exiled.

For good.

Option 3 is the next Option eliminated.

I really liked Option 3.

I loved playing Joe Hairdy.

It was a great role and I relished being liked as Joe Hairdy.

A fine son, a devoted ex-husband/adulterer, a loyal friend ……

But ….. it was just pretend.

My real life may not be as nice as the pretend life I’ve been leading.

It could be much harder,

I could have fewer friends,

Less respect and material possessions.

But it will be a life I’m living.

It’s time for me to stop pretending and grow up.

Which means ….

Option 1 is my decision.

I have decided to transition fulltime into a female role.

It wasn’t an easy decision by any means.

I have struggled and deliberated on this a great deal.

And it was not a decision I made before beginning this process.

Though I have presented these posts in a somewhat informative and attempted entertaining way ….

This wasn’t something I took lightly.

It’s a serious decision.

I have thought a great deal about this …..

What it means to me ….

What it means to my family.

In fact, truth be told, the first Option eliminated was Option 2.

In attempting to accommodate all, it satisfied none.

It just was not going to work.

That left Options 1, 3, and 4.

And again, truth be told, I took the approach of trying to avoid Option 1.

That left Options 3 and Option 4.

I have an inherent distaste for Option 4, but under my circumstances, found myself though not really considering it a choice, finding it less and less distasteful, if delivered properly.

Being scared of that thought process, I then went right to Option 3.

But every time I thought of spending my life actually going through the motions of pretending to be someone I know I’m not ….

How tiring, how draining, and how sad that would be,

I found myself thinking that Option 3 would only be a short term choice, and that some day, some place ….

Option 4 would make a return visit.

And if I’m finding it less distasteful now, imagine what I’ll think of it in 5 or 10 years.

Which meant ….. I had to bring Option 1 back into the picture.

And I did.

And though terrifying the bejeebers out of me, and

Totally phreaking me out when I think of actually implementing it,

At the same time, I sense

A peace,
A comfort,
An honesty.

With this Option.

And a chance to be ….. me.

When thinking about each of the Options ….

Though it’s the one with the greatest risks,

No guarantees,

And only one real “advantage”,

Option 1 was the only option I didn’t feel a sense of anxiety or dread when thinking about doing for the rest of my life.

I didn’t choose to be a transsexual,

But I am choosing what to do about it.

I’ve chosen Option 1.

And be sure to stick around for next season here at AmyNews.com 🙂 ….. it starts tomorrow 🙂

This season was “Decision”,

Next season is “Implementation”.

It should be interesting. 🙂