Decision – Option 1

(aka “What the Phuck?”)

Sorry for using the “Ph” word …. but, that is the sort of reaction this Option’s consideration eventually provokes …. from pretty much everyone.

I don’t blame them.

I had the same reaction when I first starting venturing my thoughts into this territory.

I still do.

How can one not have that reaction?

I mean,

It’s sensationalistic,

It’s somewhat rare, and

It involves, sorta, kinda …. SEX !

“What the Phuck?!?”

Just to clarify for the confused ……

For me anyways, it’s not so much about SEX, but about GENDER. Though when you hear the word transsexual, the average person would most likely think SEX has to be there in some ways.

Option 1 would be me living and working in the role of a woman 24/7. If after a period of time I was comfortable that the female role was right for me, I’d consider genital reassignment surgery.

Analysis Procedure – Same as in Option 4 and Option 3 and Option 2. I so hope you’re not reading this, because if you don’t understand how it works by now, you’re really, really slow ! But, maybe you’re just reading this because you can’t get enough of my mindless blabbering, in which case, I shall reward you ….. click here if you wanna see a picture of my boobs. Anyways …. what I do here is list the Advantages and Disadvantages …… Not all Advantages are created equal …. some are not really that important, but others kick butt !! ……. oh, and one Advantage does not necessarily equal one Disadvantage. So one Disadvantage can waste 10 Advantages (at least in theory.) Anywhoooose ….. on with the show.

Advantages

Living Life as Me

This is very hard to describe to the un-transsexual 🙂 ….. ’cause if you’re not TS, you don’t think of what it’s like not to be “you” …. “you” just are you. I have previously described it as this gnawing feeling in the back of my mind that something just isn’t right ….. sorta like after you leave the house for vacation and you start wondering if you remembered to turn off the stove …. it makes no sense to even worry about it ….. you know you must have ….. so you try to enjoy your vacation ….. but every now and then the question pops up …. did I turn off the damn stove? …… and it starts to intrudes on your vacation …. and pop up more and more frequently ….. so you tell yourself you are being ridiculous ….. and focus on something else while you try to put it out of your mind ….. but while you’re wondering about it …. and as ridiculous and it seems ……. you are feeling major anxiety ….. that’s what it’s like for me. I have pretty much become convinced that Option 1 would eliminate that gnawing, intrusive feeling. Why am I convinced? Well, because for the last 6 months, I’d have to say I’ve been in serious Option 2 mode, and when I’m not doing the boy thing, I forget all about it. When I’m doing the boy thing, I know I’m doing the boy thing. And I’m constantly aware that I am in boy mode and need to behave, adjust, react, project in a certain manner. When I’m not doing the boy thing …. I don’t think about any of that …. I’m just me …. it just happens. It’s very refreshing and rewarding. And though I probably am doing a lousy job of describing why this is an Advantage, it’s a big one.

Opportunity of True Relationship

In this life, I have found my soulmate. It was the most amazing experience in my life. And since I’ll never be able to give birth, and most likely will not enjoy the opportunity of parenthood, after all is said and done, it’ll probably be the single, most rewarding, pleasurable experience I have this go around. I don’t expect or think possible another experience like that. If I execute Option 1, the chance of me finding a man that I like and that doesn’t have a problem with my transsexualism, is very, very remote. So I really don’t consider this a great Advantage. But, on the slim chance I did, it would be great being in a relationship in the right role for me and this Option provides me with that chance.

Disadvantages

Hurt Mom and Dad/Disappoint Family

I’ve got the best family in the world. Granted, I’m a bit biased :), but they are amazing. My mom and dad are phenomenal. I love them to death. My Brother totally rocks, the nicest, biggest hearted, funniest guy in the world. Shaft, well, we all know how dear Shaft is to me, he’s my other brother and he’s the second nicest, biggest hearted, funniest guy in the world. 🙂 I have great concerns about the impact of this on my mom and my brother. And though I think my dad understands what I’m going through, I think it would be hard on him too. And he’s not in the best of health, which exacerbates the situation. Doing anything to hurt or disappoint any of them would be very difficult for me. So this is beyond a huge Disadvantage.

Risk Savings Account of Life

Blah ….. blah …. blah. Yeah, I have a decent Savings Account of Life. Good career, professional respect, friends, career opportunties, friends I can count on, favors I can call in, most people like me ….. whatever. I’ve been fortunate in my disclosures, I’ve really only had one that I’d consider a disappointment. Unfortunately, in that one disappointment, I lost the most important, most dear part of my life. So, though I probably do have a fair Savings Account of Life at risk still, it’s not too big of a Disadvantage to me, ’cause it’s really not that important to me.

Labeled. Outcast, Freak, Pervert, Sinner.

I’m a social being. I like people. I like talking with people I don’t know in the grocery store line. I like bringing smiles to people’s faces by offering an unexpected compliment or funny comment. I like making people feel important by remembering their names. I like waving ‘hi’ to people, I like helping people and I like the feeling I get when I’m doing that. I like the world. Weird, huh? I don’t mind being “labeled” so much, yep, I’m a transsexual and even if I go with Option 1, I will always be a transsexual. I’m comfortable with that. You calling me a “sinner”? 🙂 I don’t mind that, I know my heart is pure, my kindness gifted with nothing expected in return, and my actions less hypocrital than most of those who claim to be God-fearing. I also know, that in some technical ways …. ahhh, yeah …. I’m a sinner ! 🙂 But it has nothing to do with my transsexualism !! Freak and pervert would bother me. I know it’s not true, but that type of accusation causes one to be treated as an “outcast”, which would interfere with my effectiveness at being social.

Implementation

Whatever I did, I’d have to integrate protocol for easing the impact and difficulty my parents might have with this. That might include some remaining presence in boy mode around my parents and brother for an extended period of time. In all other respects, my implementation steps could begin quickly.

My beard is close to being completely removed. After 300 hours plus of electrolysis, I have no beard shadow remaining and go several days between shaves. I would continue electrolysis for touch-ups probably for a long time.

I’ve been on hormones for over a year and would continue with those as well.

My voice is adequate, but still needs plenty of work. That is simply practice, practice, practice.

Surgeries would be the first outward act noticeable to some.

For me, facial feminization surgery (FFS) is critical. Passability is the most important component for the successful implementation of this Option from my perspective. It minimizes the Disadvantages of being “Labeled” and may make retaining some of my Savings Account of Life easier. I also think it could enhance my possibilities of finding a fulfilling relationship. Maybe, even maybe, make it easier for my mom and dad if the could see me comfortably passable and that I don’t look like a guy in a dress.

I’d go fulltime or close fulltime only after FFS. I’d get a job in my female role and give life a try. If it remains comfortable, probably my next surgery would be breast implants, again, part of my passability issue.

After at least a year in the female role, I’d consider genital reassignment surgery. The genital reassignment surgery is certainly not the focal point of my consideration of Option 1 and would probably be done when I was comfortable with the decision to remain in the female role for the rest of my life and was ready to pursue a relationship.

A big issue outstanding would be where would I get a job. There’s no question I’d have to, for my own sake, stop practicing law in my current environment. I just couldn’t do it. I’d love to remain living here and get a new job nearby so I wouldn’t have to move, but that’s not likely to be accomplished. I’d try to get a job within a couple of hours from here, but of course, I’d go where I had to for a gig.

Summary

I think Option 1 is the most drastic of my four/quattro/4/IV Options ….

Oh sure, I know some might consider Option 4 more drastic, but I guess I think Option 4 is more extreme, dramatic and desparate, but not more drastic.

‘Cause seriously, if you think about it, Option 1 can create all sorts of upheaval and distress in my life, and in the lives of those dear to me.

Though it’s completely starting things anew ….. a fresh start in some ways,

It’s a fresh start where ….

Some family and friends could be terribly hurt and/or disappointed in me,

Some people might hate me without even knowing me,

And though spending my entire life to date enjoying the perks of being a white, middle class male,

I would suddenly experience discrimination first hand.

The implementation of Option 1 also involves risking everything I have accummulated and gained in my life to date …… putting my Savings Account of Life at risk of total liquidation.

All for the chance, not even guaranteed to succeed, to spend the rest of my life living comfortable with myself, as myself.

Now that’s drastic.

And That …..

Is ….

The Case for “Ahhhh, What the Phuck.”