Denouement
Editor’s Note: As with any grieving process, the 5 stages always seem pretty consistent … Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance … all have been represented here, except for the Bargaining stage.
I didn’t do a separate post on Bargaining because I never seriously considered it a possibility. You see, I feel pathetic as a result of making my friends uncomfortable, I can’t help it …it’s just me being me. I don’t give a rip about what people that don’t know me think about me, but when it comes to family and friends … what they think and say, if anything, have an exaggerated importance. And now, any sort of “bargaining” per se, in an attempt to continue active association, would feel like pity to me. The thought of being included not because my company is enjoyed, but because I’m felt sorry for … disgusts me.
I’m a pretty low maintenance friend … I’m as loyal as they come, I’m willing to do practically anything for you, and … I always think of others before me; Heck, I rarely ask for favors, help, or anything other than for them to just be nice to me.
So I sure as hell wouldn’t want anyone’s pity. And right now … any suggestion for my inclusion would feel as just that.
As such, scenarios where I would meet up with them weekly for the pre-bowl tailgate … see them then, and just not continue on in the evening … are offensive to me. I can’t conceive of something much more destructive to me that than engaging in what would feel like pity hang-out time and then being reminded after 45 minutes that I make people important to me too uncomfortable to be seen with me for the rest of the night.
And as far as possibilities of reconsideration about letting me hang out with them on Wednesday night go … well, there are none. I honestly believe they all knew how hard it would be for me to hear I was no longer wanted around … so I don’t think it was a spur of the moment decision on their part. But once made, and now that the hard part, telling me, is over … there’s no reason I’d ever be asked to return. And again … even if so asked, I can’t imagine it wouldn’t feel like a pity invite and one where they’d hope I really wouldn’t accept. Besides, I’m going to be down and out for a couple of months soon enough anyway recovering from my next surgery, there’s not need to dork things up again.
Yeah … yeah … yeah … there may be token intermediary attempts … to allow my inclusion in some settings outside of Wednesday … but like summer mid-week gatherings, it’s all nice talk, but such efforts are difficult to coordinate and will quickly become what we’ve always had … a Friday or Saturday night meet-up once or twice a year.
Nope … this was a grieving process where it didn’t take anyone long to see that the bargaining stage would be short lived … there was just no bargaining to be had,
The choice was either…
Inclusion or exclusion,
And I lost.
It’s been a couple of weeks now …
And things are settling into routine,
As everyone knew they would:
Phone calls and e-mails early in the week to confirm Wednesday attendance,
Wednesday afternoon calls and emails to confirm tailgate location and attendance,
Tailgate from 5:20 – 6:20 pm,
Group drive to the alley,
Bowl, drink, talk, and laugh for 2 1/2 – 3 hours,
Not necessarily in that order.
Drink, talk, laugh, argue, kareoke for 1 1/2 – 3 hours.
Not necessarily in that order.
Follow-up e-mails the next day recounting the previous night’s activities.
Rinse and repeat the follow week.
Though …
None of that includes me.
Now that I’ve been removed from involvement …
I’ve also been eliminated from the e-mail lists,
Call lists,
Plans lists.
It’s a natural consequence of the disassociation.
In fact as time goes on …
As each week passes …
The memory of me will fade further,
And the legitimacy of the decision to exclude me …
Will make more sense to each of them,
Most likely eventually becoming a collective, unanimous agreement that it was the right thing to do.
It might of already happened.
And it won’t be because they’ll remember how uncomfortable they were at the thought just before D-day …
Of being seen with me by others they who know who I was,
Not at all.
It’ll be because in their minds …
History will be rewritten,
Convincing themselves …
It was the best thing for me.
The alley isn’t an environment where she needed to let others know her personal life,
It’s not that the opinions of the other bowlers were more important to us than her feelings, safety was the issue here …
And she was being foolish to think she could endure what not being stealth in the alley would entail.
Sure,
It’s a rationalization …
But it’s the way it’ll play itself out.
It’s just human behavior.
And ya know what?
Though I’m convinced it was the wrong decision …
That their lives would be richer had my inclusion been allowed to continue,
And my life more rewarding than will now be possible …
I’ll eventually embrace that very same rationalization.
Editor’s Epilogue: That was the last of my posts in the Dismissing A Suspect storyline. See … I told you that Episode 3 would start out with excitement and had some plot twists !!!! Though trust me, this one surprised even me !! 🙂
The way I had seen Episode 3 opening was that:
I’d go to to bowling, all nervous as can be;
The word would spread very quickly, as my friends feared; and,
There’d be some issues, some minor excitement for sure, but not as bad as my friends worried.
Then, as lousy luck would have it, a guy from my past was in the bowling alley that first night and would catch wind of the word. Eventually … next February, he would technically become my first boyfriend.
Anyways … the money people behind Episode 3 apparently decided that this was a much more exciting opening than a budding romance. Bastards !! 🙂 Though I guess it just goes to show … deity gospels are just like life … sometimes you just have no control over what happens !! 🙂
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A zoo keeper has to muck out the cage. I don’t think I want to be a keeper. :-0
What can I add to that which has been so eloquently written by soo many? Nothing. The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few – a philosophy you live by as do I.
Oscar Wilde
It is a humiliating confession, but we are all of us made out of the same stuff. In Falstaff there is something of Hamlet, in Hamlet there is not a little of Falstaff. The fat knight has his moods of melancholy, and the young prince his moments of coarse humour.
Are we really that different? We are all each of us our brother’s (or sister’s) keepers
Amy,
Ok you made your position much clearer and you make perfect sense. It isn’t about bowling, it isn’t about weather or not to go stealth or be upfront when confronted, it isn’t about weather or not your friends support you or not but it IS about you understanding that having you around all the time (you feel) that they shouldn’t have to deal with your issues every time they go out to have fun. Obviously you have a valid point, you are being sensitive to your friendsÒ needs and feelings in which any true friend should, is commendable. IÓ sorry if I didnÓ´ catch all your post on this, but if understand what transpired, you were discussing with your friends what/how to handle the up coming bowling season and during that process you noticed/felt a level of uncomfortable-ness with your friends about that type of situation in respect to you. Realizing and being sensitive to your friends you think it best to step back, which I totally respect and understand. My only question is that really what the people in the group want? From the sound of it your closeness with your friends allowed you all to talk and express your feelings freely. They openly expressed their feelings, perspectives, and concerns with you, cool friends; I wish had more like them. My point is, any good friendship has two sides to it, your friends know that having you as a friend and your friendship comes with curtain amount of baggage, every friend/ship does. It is their choice be your friend and to deal with what that in tales or not. They were open and honest to you about their feelings but do they really not want you there? Did you come out and ask them? ItÓ³ really their choice too. You giving them a so called break from Amy is commendable but is that what your friends want? As I said,I understand your position and respect you for it, but if you friends want you to do it with them even though you know their concerns, I feel you should. Weather you think its pity or not, which it isn’t, thats bulls_it anyway. Its not pity at all, it is what true friends do for friends; they stand by you thru the ups, downs, awkward momments and transitions too; at least according to my book.
Amy, I’m glad you’re so supportive of your friends. It’s reasonable that others seem a little upset for you…but your responses are beyond commendable.
Your friends love you, you love them. It’s obvious on both sides–in fact I hope you realize, and you seem to, that this doesn’t mean they love you any less.
I have a feeling that some of them feel rather guilty about this, though as you’ve said time will make it better. But just cause they feel guilty, they are doing what they are comfortable with–and you’re awesome for understanding this.
There are pauses and there are endings, and there are sometimes long periods where a character isn’t in an episode for the entire season or more. It’s not a soap opera though–the role of Amy(or whatever) won’t be played by anyone else. I’m sure that that worries you a little–but your role is unique and nothing is going to diminish that in their life or hearts.
Hey, you rock. I hope you hear that a lot, ’cause it is without a doubt the truth as I know it.
Hi Patti …
Thanks for the comments. The idea that if I did go there, and if was just to uncomfortable after a few weeks that I could just stop going, was always understood what would be the situation if I did go …
But the issue of whether I’d attempt to be stealth or woodwork there was pretty much what led to me not going at all. Some were of the opinion that I needed to be stealth if I was going to participate … deny I was Joe if asked and try to pass myself off as a relative of Joe’s. I was of the opinion that there was too great a risk of being read and figured out to have been Joe just because I would be in a setting where people knew Joe and would expect to see him with the people I’d be with. And if asked about it, I thought that just admitting who I used to be was the preferable response. The difference of opinion as to how to respond when asked is ultimately what lead to me making others uncomfortable if I was there.
I agree, ultimately, I’m the one that others there would judge … I’m the one that’s transsexual. It would be much worse for me that for any of my friends. But … my friends have been with me in so many other different instances, when I would have expected them to take this current position, but didn’t …
So when told of their position, I certainly gave it a great deal of weight …
And just knowing that to a person, we really don’t have nearly as much time to get out and have fun as we used to, so me ruining one night of fun for others by making them uncomfortable was me letting my friends down in a big way … something I wouldn’t do.
I didn’t remove myself from the situation because of what others thought or would think … the impact on me of the opinions of others at the alley is not what kept me from going there, you’re right I shouldn’t let people in that manner run my life …
However the opinions of people important to me do matter. Their opinions haven’t stopped me from addressing my transsexualism, and to a person, I think they are all very supportive of me that I did, they haven’t run my life in that way … but if in some ways they need a break from my ts’ism, I’m going to give that to them out of respect.
It’s never been about the bowling … if I wanted to bowl, I’d go there and bowl on the same night on a different team. Trust me, the thought crossed my mind ! 🙂 But I don’t want to bowl, I want to hang out with my friends, yet if that’s not something they are comfortable with right now … I can’t force myself on them.
Does that make any sense or did I just kill a bunch of bytes wastefully with my terribly confusing response to your comment ?? 🙂
Hi Sister !! 🙂 Thanks for commenting !! *hug*
I’ve got hugs for Singer, Hottie and Miss Daisy too ! 🙂
Let it be known, I concur with all of the above.
Amy, though your action of removing yourself from the group was non-selfish and noble, once you were told of someone being uncomfortable with your presence in the group. I don’t think it was the correct choice. I don’t really know you personally but I’m sure you are a person of great value and anyone would be proud to have you as a friend, whatever function/s you may have. I think you should have come to/offered a compromise and said; ok I give it a couple of weeks, if said people still feel uncomfortable then you can leave. The person or persons whom stated they feel uncomfortable will see within the first weeks it is you that will take the judgment(if any) not your friend for having you as one, but by graceously stepping aside eveyone loses all the way around. We who transition have to put our self out there for judgmenton almost a daily basis I really do think it is to much to ask a true friend/s to do it for you and in reality their not. There is always going to be someone around you who isn’t willing to try or may say if asked it’s only human nature to avoid what you don’t understand, but you can’t change who and what you are or what you want to do in this life worring how they may feel.I know that isn’t the case or you would be where you are now if you did. If you want to bowl and have some trun friends/supportive members who believe in you, I say you should do it. You’re the one that people may take notice of(if at all) and if that happen it will soon become old news a non-issue. Don’t you think we have to be willing to push just a bit for our right to be there otherwise nothing changes and we lose, everyone loses I think. You can’t let what other people may think or feel run your life.
It does suck …
I wish there was a way to keep me around, but I just don’t see it now.
However, I choose my friends very carefully.
And these friends … Singer, Hottie, Sister and Miss Daisy … I trust completely.
I honestly believe that they didn’t arrive at the decision they did without taking into account my feelings. And that maybe they were seeing something I wasn’t here, that this was a different challenge than I’ve been exposed to in the past, and that they had to do the tough love of telling me I couldn’t hang out with them as part of just doing what’s best for me.
On the other hand,
Maybe I’m just embracing the rationalization a little sooner than I expected !! 🙂
Its a phucking catch 22…
How can we rahabilitiat this situation so that Amy is included as a rightful friend and participant.
There is no right answer.
It sucks. Pure and simple.
The way you stand by these people (or persons) is the real extraordinary story here. Who wouldn’t want a friend like you? Who amongst us finds themselves so rich in friendships and love that we can count out someone who so obvioulsy cares about us.
Who indeed.
‘Kenna