Creating A Monster

Editor’s Note: I keyed this one about 2:30 am Friday morning. I have no changes to or further comments about it.

Ya know,

I sorta kinda think …

Upon reflectioooooon,

Something of which I do once a year …

Regardless of its necessity 🙂 😛

That there was the expectation,

When it came to commiting to hanging out this year on Wednesday night …

That I would chicken out,

And not want to participate.

That would have been the easy solution for everyone else …

That way any discomfort they would have felt by my presence,

Would never have to be conveyed to me.

My removal from the scene would have been my decision,

My feelings wouldn’t have been hurt,

And discomfort avoided.

However, over the past year and a half …

Singer, Hottie, Sister and Miss Daisy have been the best of friends,

Including me in activities …

Getting me out and about,

More and more in the world …

While never letting me get comfortable in a setting.

Pushing the limits of my comfort zone …

To get me to the point of doing what I had always done,

Except this time as me.

And let’s be real …

Sometimes I was nervous as all get out,

So phreaking uncomfortable I could barely move …

But they really wouldn’t cut me any slack …

If I said “I really don’t think I can do that. I’m just not comfortable there yet“,

They’d toss right back at me, “You’re going to do it. You have no choice. You just can’t hide and avoid, you’ve been doing that too long.

And actually sometimes, the words of encouragement to me were even a bit harsher !! 🙂

Seeing them all for the first time, going to Mamma Mia, being the first at the bar, meeting more of their friends, hanging out at Sister’s house, being the one sent on beer runs, meeting Coach, meeting more of their friends, going to more and more popular bars …

Almost every outing seemed to create a new twist.

I became accustomed to being uncomfortable,

But having no choice other than to face it …

If I wanted to maintain and continue my friendship with these incredibly amazing people.

So I faced it,

Each time …

Taking a deep breath,

And trying to not act as scared to death as I was feeling.

Now certainly,

It would not have been easy for me to walk into the bowling alley that first week …

I would have been as scared, nervous and uncomfortable as you can possibly imagine,

Just as uncomfortable as anyone else there I’m sure …

‘Cause face it,

It’s me that’s having the sex change.

But I knew the ramifications if I didn’t step up and go,

And as such, decided to do it.

I knew full well I’d be a wreck for a while,

But that it’d be more than worth it in the long run …

To preserve my association with my friends.


I’ve grown so accustomed to being in uncomfortable situations as part of the experience of transition …

That I knew I’d face and survive this uncomfortable one too.

Ironic, huh?

By continually pushing my comfort limits …

When they wanted me to blink …

I didn’t.

They created a monster ! 🙂

So ultimately …

The trump card had to be played.

My loyalty to family and friends,

Concern for their feelings …

Is never something doubted.

All that had to be said was that I’d make just one of them uncomfortable …

And it was guaranteed I’d offer to remove myself from the situation.

So it happened as it happened …

I was told I’d make some uncomfortable,

I said I’d remove myself from the picture …

And there wasn’t even a token attempt to talk me out of it.

I had already been scratched from the line-up …

Long before I even knew it.

I don’t know why,

But for some reason that actually makes me feel better.


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  1. Awwwww … thanks !! 🙂

    I really like what you said in your comment and how you said it. Very well put.

    Oh … there is no question … when I write posts where I’m talking serious pain that I feel and it involves interactions with others in my life … there’s a risk my posts could be more disruptive than if I just held everything all bottled up inside … it’s a huge balancing act that I lead still trying to use my site for it’s original purpose, me processing experiences and letting others learn from this transsexual’s approach to processing them, while knowing that so many people in my real life read my stuff …

    But with that being said …

    I’d like to point out that at no point have I ever expressed anger at my friends … Singer, Hottie, Sister, Miss Daisy … (with the exception of the Radioactive post, but I apologized for that before I even posted it, so it doesn’t count :)), in fact, all I’ve done is describe how painful it is for me to accept that I’m no longer able to associate with them regularly and how I’m trying to handle that loss.

    This is a pretty significant set-back to me … I’ll miss these people tremendously … but there’s no solution here (as a future post will explain further) and how I handle difficulties like this can hopefully help others avoid mistakes I made in leading up to this situation.

    Also, please note … I can’t say for a fact I know they are reading these posts … but to date none of them have busted my ass over any of these posts … they know I’m still their friend to the end and will do anything for them … it’s just that I need an outlet for expressing my grief and they understand this is just my pain, not any reflection of them, and they are allowing me this outlet.

    I think they are to be commended for letting me publish these posts as a fair representation of some of the negative, hard parts of transition.

    As far as what could happen next year … they aren’t going to be bowling on Wednesday night. Though I was the quiet one … surprisingly, I was the glue that held the group together !! 🙂

    I just e-mailed you my new digits … are you kidding … even when you’re pranking me with text messages in the middle of the night … you always in kewl friend category !! 🙂 LOL

  2. well, I’ll say this.

    you’re turning out to be the cutest monster I know.

    but theres a point reached when you create posts like this. Invariably these type of posts unsettle things that may have best been smoothed over; you never know what could happen next year– yet I for one have been known to jam my finger into someone elses eye just to speak the unspeakable.

    So yeah, I say you have a righteous right to post this kind of stuff, just be prepared for this disruption it might cause, fair or not.

    And dammit, we need to talk on the phone before I change my cell #… unless of course I’ve moved from cool friend type person to weird stalker bitch that calls you a cute monster.

    Take care sweetheart. It’s really just the beginning, you know.

  3. I don’t think I’ve expressed anything in my posts critical or harsh about any of my friends …

    I’ve said throughout that not only do I understand their uncomfortability, but that I take responsibility for not recognizing it sooner and taking steps to address it.

    I’m not just saying that … I totally understand it. Knowing how uncomfortable my presence makes them, I’d make the exact same decision today.

    As far as talking about it …

    No, there has been no follow-up discussion about this since I said to “count me out”. Though there really can’t be … as these posts have also indicated … we just don’t have the opportunity except on Wednesdays. And I’m not about to disrupt their collective one night a week of having some fun with anything about me.

    The needs of the many outweight the needs of the few.

    You know I live by that philosophy …

    My family and friends are always more important to me than I am to me, but that doesn’t mean that I still don’t hurt as a result.

    These posts are simply me addressing, processing and overcoming the hurt.

  4. A, is it in perspective? I hope so. I’m not sure I’m comfortable with the posting about, as opposed to the talking to. I hope the talking to occured before the posting about.

  5. Twilight Zone: “The Eye of the Beholder”
    Season 2, Episode 6
    First aired: November 11, 1960
    by Dr. Mality
    NOTE: The following synopsis contains spoilers because, frankly, I couldn’t think of a rational way to discuss the episode without revealing the “surprise” ending. So be warned.

    It is a quiet night in a darkened hospital room but the mind of Janet Tyler is anything but quiet. Her head is encased in gauze, the result of a radical procedure designed to cure the hideous facial deformity that has made her an outcast all of her life. Ms. Tyler is completely blind due to the wrappings around her head and at the mercy of hospital personnel.

    11 times Janet Tyler has had work done to correct her deformities and each previous attempt has been a failure. If the surgery is unsuccessful this time, the State has decreed that she will have no more medical treatment and must instead live in exile with others of her kind. Her doctor is kind and sympathetic and tries to calm her fears as best he can but Janet’s mental anxiety pushes her almost to panic. How much longer must she endure the stifling blindness of the bandages?

    At last, the day comes for the bandages to be removed. Layer by layer they are clipped away with agonizing slowness, but finally they are gone and she raises her face into the light. We see now that Janet Tyler is a blond young woman of extraordinary beauty. But the doctor cries out “Nothing! No change! No change at all!” Janet shrieks and tries to flee the room. For the first time, we see the faces of her doctor and the other hospital personnel…twisted, ugly, distorted, like human swine. Janet breaks free and runs hysterically through the hospital, shocking the others there with her “ugliness.” Meanwhile, the Leader of the State gives a televised address stridently claiming the advantages of “glorious conformity.”

    Finally, Ms. Tyler is taken into custody and introduced to Walter Smith…another “monster” like herself who appears to be a handsome young man. Smith will escort her to a community made of people like themselves, where Ms. Tyler can finally find acceptance and peace…

    “The Eye of the Beholder” is one of the seminal “Twilight Zone” episodes, well remembered for its twist ending. The episode is brilliantly laid out, directed and performed, but for me the big stumbling block is that the “surprise” is about as shocking as the sun coming up in the morning. There is little doubt early on that the doctor and the others are probably disfigured or distorted in some way.

    Director Douglas Heyes does a masterful job in using shadow and camera angles to conceal the hideous faces of the “normals” but it’s an impossible task to make it a complete surprise. The only question I had watching this for the first time is exactly HOW ugly the “normals” would be.

    The answer is, VERY ugly. The faces are almost comically ugly in their way but very memorable and very subtly designed by William Tuttle. They show just enough of the actor’s real face to make the distortion look believable.

    Despite the “surprise” being telegraphed, the episode succeeds in large part due to the tremendous vocal performance of Maxine Stuart, who plays Janet under the bandages. She puts real anguish and loneliness into her strictly verbal acting. When the bandages are taken off, Janet is played by lovely Donna Douglas, soon to be “Elly Mae” on “Beverly Hillbillies.” Kudos, also, to William D. Gordon, who makes the doctor a sympathetically human character despite his grotesque appearance.

    I have to wonder how happy Janet will be in the future. Her society is shown as a repressive dictatorship that despises the strange. She might be headed to a happier life with Walter Smith…or they might just be taken somewhere remote and exterminated.

    What is beauty and what is ugliness? For the answer, we’ll let Rod Serling explain:

    Now the question comes to mind…where is this place and when is it, what kind of world where ugliness is the norm and beauty the deviation from that norm? The answer is: it doesn’t make any difference. Because the old saying happens to be true. Beauty IS in the eye of the beholder, in this year or a hundred years hence, on this planet or wherever there is human life, perhaps out among the stars. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. A lesson to be learned…in the Twilight Zone.

  6. I’ll never think, speak or write anything but great things about these people, I owe each of them so much, and if as partial payment of the collective debt I owe, they want me to disappear from their association … I will. I’m obviously hurt by it, but it in no way changes my commitment to them.

    On the other hand, I really do appreciate everyones comments and e-mails who have offered me words of support, putting things into perspective and positive viewpoints … trust me, in light of the mood I’m sporting … they couldn’t have come at a better time !! 🙂 Thank you !!!!!! 🙂

  7. All I can say is that friendship is a choice made by both parties. The people that have decided that distance from you is the best course of action are cheating themselves of the company of one truly incredible, loyal and honest friends they could ever have. Just like life, friends change ( many friends from high school are in your inner circle of friends today),and we go on.

  8. It certainly reminds you about the fleeting notion of friendship, doesn’t it. I always thought that some friendships were for life. Now I know better.

  9. There’s not much I can comment on this topic because I sidestepped it. I faded away, quietly slipped out of my friendsҠlives over an interval of a year or more before I transitioned. I didn’t ask them to share my load. They were not there to help or hurt me. Maybe it was cowardly. It probably spared me anguish. Maybe it was considerate. It probably spared them embarrassing questions about their prior relationships with me. Maybe I spared them discomfort. Who can say?

  10. *shrug*

    you expected the worst of people, and they finally lived down to it. because you let them. I’m so sorry for us.

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