Will You Come Out and Play?
“Are you going to bowl next year?”
That was the question tossed out at the weekly gathering of The UnUsual Suspects (Renamed by unanimous decision during a vote taken at the bar last night. Everyone liked the The Usual Suspects identifier … but Singer pointed out that there’s nothing “usual” about any of us and suggested UnUsual … which we all agreed with promptly.)
Anyways … back to the question …
I answered with a non-answer, as I so often do … it’s a Jedi tactic.
“I’d like to … but it depends on how you guys feel about it. It would be very weird for all.”
“Yes it would …” (pause) … “but it’s not about us, if you want to, then that’s all that matters.”
“Hmmmm, anything thoughts about changing the locatiooon, a different alley where not everyone knows us?”
“Well, this one is the best location-wise. There really isn’t another that would work well for all of us.”
“True. ”
And that was the end of the discussion.
Total talk time … heck … 30 seconds max. Probably not even that long.
But it directly hit on a point … an issue that I’ve been struggling with for some time.
Just how much discomfort am I willing to put my friends through as part of this?
I am lucky. Incredibly lucky. I’ve only had one disappointing Disclosure experience.
While the rest … with Shaft, Singer, Hottie, Sister, Miss Daisy, Tenant, Satan, Morrie … have been beyond amazing. They’ve all shown that they are some of the most compassionate, understanding, supportive people in the world.
But that doesn’t mean … they aren’t struggling with this.
Because at some levels … though never telling me … they have to be.
This shit shakes everyone’s “basic premises about life” assumptions to the core.
In fact … the collective “pause” between …
“Yes it would” … and “but it’s not about us …” highlighted it.
I sensed it. I felt it. And I immediately felt so bad for the discomfort I was putting my friends through …
Because I know … just the mere thought of being around me where others knew me before … gives all a moment of “shock and pause“.
I so know the anxiety they felt just for that one, brief second – the visual of association and identification of being with a transsexual in front of others.
Because I know what that feels like – I am one.
Which is why there is a big difference in comfort levels for me between being around people that never knew Joe Hairdy and being around people that knew Joe Hairdy.
The former, usually can’t imagine me ever being a convincing boy, and usually I forget I ever was around them. In those situations … I’m just another girl. (well, let’s be real here … I’m not just another girl :))
While in the later, you can tell by their eyes, people still see me as boy. Boy pretending to be a girl. Definitely a transsexual. Weird.
Now of course, they pretend they aren’t thinking of me as such.
Because they don’t want to hurt my feelings.
But that is the way it is …
Pretending upon pretending …
Exponentially compounded.
And it totally sucks.
And that’s what The UnUsual Suspects would experience if I would bowl with them next year … a sort of extended feeling of being an out transsexual. But in a worse way.
Because not only do they have to deal with the anxiousness they feel themselves … but on top of that … let’s be real … a bowling alley is not a good environment to be a transsexual. š There are several people that know us all that will NOT be accepting, nor tolerant in the least.
Now fortunately for me … the only people that know both Joe and me are people that care about me and are not destructive.
And, just as for me, there will be a big difference even for them being someplace where we’re hanging together and most people DON’T know Joe.
Because to them … though The UnUsual Suspects will see Joe … they’ll also see others that are only seeing Amy.
And over time … that will help The UnUsual Suspects. Increase their comfortability.
So getting together at other locales … going out for food and drinks … is all good … all healthy … all fun. (Though of course, the initial 5 million times I’m around them, I will be a stress attack waiting to happen !! š )
But putting them in a situation where they have to experience what I do … where people know both past and present personas …
That’s just not right.
It’s just not fair.
Now I know … it’s “next year” …
And a lot can happen in 12 months.
But it’s not a fiscal year we’re talking.
Because in reality, next year is 7 weeks away.
And possibly sooner.
And I have to make a decision …
Do I have the courage to put myself through that stress?
Do I have the selfishness to put my friends through that stress?
Is that even a battle worth fighting ??
Because after all, it’s just bowling … and it’s not about the bowling.
It’s about the friendship and companionship … there are plenty of other opportunities for that with The UnUsuals.
Yeah, I know … seems like I’m dwelling on a tiny little issue here … but I’m not over-obsessing on this …
I’m sharing this as an example of what types of decisions you have to make when you choose to stick around post-transition.
‘Cause it’s not just about where you’re going to bowl …
It’s about where you eat, where you shop, where you work-out, anywhere there is a pre- and post- possibility of connection.
So, what’s the answer to the question as to whether I’ll bowl next year?
Right now, I don’t know.
But we will soon.
Look, if you want to fit in at the bowling alley as a girl, just lose a few teeth and wear your NASCAR belly shirt. Sorry A, but I think this post is one big whine. This is simple. You need to keep on being the person that you are. Boy or girl, we like you because you are a great person with a great personality that we like to hang out with. Stop with the “will they still like me” or “is this too hard for them” crap and just chill. I look forward to the day when it will be just “this is my friend Amy” and not “this is my friend Amy who used to be Joe….” Trust us, we might surprise you. Have I ever failed to tell you when you are pissing me off? I don’t care if you are wearing a skirt, pants, or even skorts (inside joke, everyone), I’m not going to change.
What -I- found was that while -I- thought there would be some trouble there, it turned out that most of my friends came back to me, and had few problems with it.
I was in an activity for many years before transition where I was very visible, even at a national level. I thought I would have to give it up, and in fact had kinda walked away. But what I found out was that it wasn’t a big deal. I was accepted by those people. In fact, I joined a ‘senior’ version of this activity, and there were a lot of people who knew me from before, and they were all great about my being involved.
What I found out was it really is how comfortable -you- are with yourself, and how you interact with others. If you look and act as a woman, that’s all people will begin to see, and those you knew before will look pretty silly if they don’t treat you that way.
YMMV
Oh … I don’t want to lose my friends … the question I’m posing to myself at this point, am I’m increasing the risk of causing a distancing with my friends by placing all of us in a more unstealth environment (i.e. Wednesday nights) than I would if I removed myself from that situation, but remained around for others less challenging environments.
you have no reputation worth saving from ruination, dear. š But the issue sparks a very ponderable thought. My approach wont work for you, as I’ve pretty much cut all ties to everyone who might know, whether they want to be part of my life or not. In my case, if you knew of me as boy to girl or in boy format, then I just won’t deal with that exponential set of problems. In your case?
Is the discomfort worth the friendships? Is the hassle worth it? Are the friendships an issue or an advantage to the possibility of functional stealth?
I have no answers for you, but I think you need to ask yourself the questions posed. You might be better off taking my path, but some how i doubt it, good friends are haaaard to come by and harder to replace.
Thanks Sister … but shhhhh … don’t say that too loud … you’ll ruin my mindless, self-absorbed reputatioooon !! š
I agree. I think that relates to both The UnUsual Suspects and our minions at the alley. How I handle it certainly makes it easier or harder on the rest of The UnUsuals. And how we UsUsual Suspects as a group handle it, affects how others will in some way react to me and us, at least to our faces.
It’s just something I have to address … sure is hard at times.
From what I’ve heard, part of their response depends upon how you handle it. If your words, actions and body language say “it’s no big deal” then, to a degree, it’s easier for them to handle it as no big deal.
Pensive indeed. A very thoughtful entry. You are a good person.