Why?

The last time my parents and I spoke about my transsexualism … they asked “What does it mean to have a gender identity disorder? What is it like? ”

They had searched the internet for definitions, and found plenty, but didn’t understand what those definitions meant.

Well, I wouldn’t say didn’t understand, but the definitions just didn’t answer their question … the definitions were vague, sometimes using references to words/phrases that needed definitions themselves.

Now my parents aren’t uneducated … both are very bright … my father … he’s the smartest person I know …

And I understood their confusion … because … the definitions provided don’t really answer much … and it’s something that had always been gnawing away at me …

So I did some Googling and found some of the following definitions for gender identity disorder …

Amy Disclaimer: Some terms and phrases are being liberally interchanged with one another in the following. Gender identity disorder and transsexualism are the most common culprits, and though I think they are different, my opinion of their difference is not important here, because in the following, they both are words used to describe the condition of me wanting to be a girl.

Our friends at The Harry Benjamin International Gender Dysphoria Association (hmmm *snicker* *snicker* I wonder if they could use an attorney on the committee to really muck things up !) define transsexualism within the Standards of Care for Gender Identity Disorders, Sixth Version as a condition meeting three criteria:

1. The desire to live and be accepted as a member of the opposite sex, usually accompanied by the wish to make his or her body as congruent as possible with the preferred sex through surgery and hormone treatment;
2. The transsexual identity has been present persistently for at least two years;
3. The disorder is not a symptom of another mental disorder or a chromosomal abnormality.

Huh? First blush I think this is a bit clinical and imposing for my friends and family to digest. But I think it’s a good definition, I sure as hell meet all three criteria … but … it doesn’t answer the one question my parents want to know the answer to … and the question many asked, including myself in the past … Why do I have a desire to live and be accepted as a member of the opposite sex.

At the BehaveNet Clinical Capsule (whatever that is, hey, it just popped up on the google search which is how I’m finding my family and friends are searching for information, so I wanted to see what they were finding) the following diagnostic criteria for gender identity disorder is provided:

A. A strong and persistent cross-gender identification (not merely a desire for any perceived cultural advantages of being the other sex).

B. Persistent discomfort with his or her sex or sense of inappropriateness in the gender role of that sex. In children, the disturbance is manifested by any of the following: in boys, assertion that his penis or testes are disgusting or will disappear or assertion that it would be better not to have a penis, or aversion toward rough-and-tumble play and rejection of male stereotypical toys, games, and activities; in girls, rejection of urinating in a sitting position, assertion that she has or will grow a penis, or assertion that she does not want to grow breasts or menstruate, or marked aversion toward normative feminine clothing. In adolescents and adults, the disturbance is manifested by symptoms such as preoccupation with getting rid of primary and secondary sex characteristics (e.g., request for hormones, surgery, or other procedures to physically alter sexual characteristics to simulate the other sex) or belief that he or she was born the wrong sex.

C. The disturbance is not concurrent with a physical intersex condition.

D. The disturbance causes clinically significant distress or impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning.

Again, no wonder it’s confusing for my family and friends … what does “cross-gender identification” mean? To me, makes perfect sense, and of course, the definition applies … but again, I notice … it doesn’t answer … Why do I have a persistent discomfort with my sense of inappropriateness in the male gender role.

At the BlueCross/Blue Shield for Minnesota website, gender identity disorder is defined as:

The psychological diagnosis gender identity disorder (GID) is used to describe a male or female that feels a strong identification with the opposite sex and experiences considerable distress because of their actual sex.

Yep … applies to me dead-on, but once again the question is left unanswered …

Why do I feel a strong identification with the opposite sex. What does a strong identification with the opposite sex actually feel like?

Onward ho …

The folks at AtHealth.com defined a person with gender identity disorder as: One who strongly identifies with the other sex.

Yuhp, works for me. But ….

What does strongly identify with mean? Why do I feel I strongly idenditify with the other sex. What does strongly identify with the other sex actually feel like?

At Mental Health Matters, an incredibly vague definition is provided …

Gender Identity Disorder is where a persons anatomical sex and their gender identity conflict.

Sure, I know what that means, but hey, so I’m sure that gender identity isn’t something in most of my family and friends’ working vocabulary?

No wonder they are confused.

I could go on and on here … there are hundreds of similar such definitions, but I think the trend is pretty clear …

The question my family and friends are asking is not “What condition do you have?” or “How did it happen?”

But more along the lines of “Why Do You Think You’re a Girl”, “What Are You Feeling That Makes You Think You Are a Girl?” or maybe even more simply stated “Why Do You Want To Be a Girl?. Not the medical condition itself, the whole hormone brainwash thing or anything like that, but simply … “Why?” … I think they are looking at it from a whole advantages/disadvantages to being a guy or girl point of view.

And I think at some level when these discussions started coming up, I knew that’s what they were asking … Though I don’t think it’s the sole factor for my recent phunkness, I do think it’s been a contributing issue … because, one of the healthiest things that has ever happened to me as I was struggling with my whole transsexualism was when I just accepted it … accepted that I feel like a girl, that I was supposed to have a female body … and stopped asking why. And when my friends and family started asking questions in that vein … I started experiencing the whole doubt, confusion and disgust once again … (the other factor for my phunkness will be revealed in the next Ahhh … Where’s the Net episode 🙂 ) …

Unfortunately …

My friends and family still sorta/kinda need some type of answer …

And heck, I’m not making it any easier for them …

‘Cause I don’t think I match any of their “girl” stereotypes … for example,

I guess most people assume “wanting to be a girl” means one, more or most of the following:

That I like wearing women’s clothes – Hmm, this doesn’t make sense, ’cause usually when I’m in Amy mode, I’m not thinking a lot about what I’m wearing, I tend to go for kute and komfortable … did I mention komfortable ?? Casual top, slacks or a skirt, comfy shoes … sometimes girlish, usually though pretty andro, jeans and a top … now that’s not saying I don’t get a thrill sometimes dolling up … getting in hootchie mode can be fun in it’s own right … but it’s not about the clothes, it’s about me looking hot !! … and the ‘tention I can get 🙂

That I like boys … Hmm, sure, I do think Amy (gawd I hate talking 3rd person) is hetero, but this really has little to do with sex for me … I mean, sure, I hope to hook up someday, but I don’t think I’m a girl because I want to hook up someday … in fact, I’m prepared for the possibility that my sexlife post will be the same as pre … nonexistent.

That I’m submissive and want a big strong man to take care of me … Hmm, yeah right. Not on your life. Yeppers, like I said, I think Amy is hetero … but I’m far from submissive and I don’t need no man to take care of me !!

That I want to be a kute little secretary somewhere, do a girl job … Hmm, sorry – that would be totally contrary to my goal of being lazy. Secretaries work way too hard, get paid way to little and receive way too little respect … totally not me.

That I’m more at ease, feel more like myself hanging out with women … Hmm, ahhh, I’m going to have to agree with this one … this is true, though not all women, just ones I have common interests with … but … that’s sorta like I enjoy hanging out with some guys, but not all guys, just ones I have common interests with … so … this pretty much doesn’t mean anything.

That I like wearing make-up and spending time on my hair … Hmm, no, not really … I consider make-up a necessary evil, comes with the territory … the only make-up I like is lipstick most of the time and lipgloss all of the time … the rest really doesn’t do anything for me at all. And my hair, come on … Shaft gives me grief ’cause I’m too lazy to spend the time to put more than what? 3 curls in it.

That I’m a nice, nurturing person … Hmm, I think that is true, but y’all know better than me. But guys can be nice, nurturing people too, being a nice person in and of itself doesn’t make one a woman, in fact, I know a lot of woman who aren’t nice !! 🙂

That I like girl hobbies … Hmm, true … if girl hobbies mean techie toys, computers, sci-fi/adventure/comedy movies, computer games, golf and watching football.

That I like housework … Hmm, oh puh-lease … gimme a break. I hate dusting, I like ironing, I hate cleaning, I like vacuuming, I like cooking, I hate cleaning up and I hate cleaning the bathroom.

Hmm … okay now … I’m stumped … it seems that none of the stereotypes really fit me !! Though Hmm Hmmm … I don’t think they fit most women !! 🙂

But all those women they don’t fit, that still do many of those things anyways … and most don’t think or feel like they are men … they are perfectly comfortable being women … in fact, many have told me the thought of being a guy simply disgusts them …

So maybe, feeling like I’m a girl has nothing to do with the things I like to do …

Maybe it’s something you just know … a leap of faith.

For those who believe, you can’t touch your god, but you know they are there.

For the males out there, if you lost your penis in an accident, would that make you a woman … or would your brain still think of yourself as a man?

For the ladies out there, ignoring anatomy, suppose one day you woke up and you had all the perks, privileges, requirements and expectations of being a man … would that feel natural to you?

Maybe you have a family.

Maybe you’ve watched them grow up and are proud of them.

But … let’s be real, part of having a family means dealing with a bunch of stress …

Stress about money, stress about their safety, stress about their direction, stress about the time they require …

A lot of stress.

Not to mention, a lot of the things you liked, enjoyed doing …

You just can’t do any more … no time, no money.

And maybe you knew all of the “stresses” you were going to face before you even started a family … and knew you weren’t going to be doing as many things as your liked, enjoyed doing …

And when you list all of the advantages of having a family, compared to the disadvantages …

There’s a lot more disadvantages …

In fact, probably the main advantage is limited to …

It makes you happy.

And at some core level of your being, despite all of the disadvantages, you know you want a family and you know it will make you happy. That it feels right.

But you don’t know “why” you feel happy about having a family.

Just as I don’t know “why” I feel right about being a girl.

You just know.

And I just know.

Anyways, sorry for this long-winded non-answer, but for now, it’s the best I can do.