Epiphany II

DON’T DO IT UNLESS YOU HAVE TO !!

I’ve seen that warning many times ….. in many different ways …… it’s been told to me frequently ….. and it’s something that is ever present in the back of my mind ….

“Don’t transition …. don’t start living as a girl ….. don’t have a sex change ….

….. Unless you have no other choice !”

And with my interpretation ….. said bluntly …. the meaning of the message is clear …….

Don’t do it unless you are going to kill yourself otherwise.

I sort of suspect that to those who don’t suffer from transsexualism, it’s an obvious warning ….. as they find the whole issue of regendering so unfathomable ….. and in fact, to some, maybe many, who actually do suffer from transsexualism, you aren’t even a true transsexual unless you are at that point of suicidal desperation.

And this has been sort of a problem for me throughout this entire process …..

I am simply not suicidal. (Whew …. there, I said it ! :))

I really don’t feel, at least at this point in my life, that if I didn’t transition, I’d kill myself.

Now don’t get me wrong ….. I can appreciate why some feel that sort of desperation ….. and suicidal thoughts have crossed my mind …… because obviously it’s an option …..

But I really don’t think I’d kill myself if I didn’t transition ….. thoughts of nothing left for which to live crossed my mind frequently in coming to acceptance with that, and still do ….. but it’s rarely crossed my mind, other than in an analytical sense, pertaining to my transsexualism.

So ….. why would I disregard all this sage advice from others? Why would I even contemplate regendering if I could live without doing so?

I’ve struggled with that a great deal ….. analyzing the pros and cons of transitioning in a very structured way ….. probably too structured when deciding such core issues in one’s life …..

And ultimately …… I came to the conclusion that the quality of my life will most likely improve if I did indeed transition ……

But still ……

There was always that nagging warning in the back of my head ….. don’t do it unless you have no other choice ….

And then ……

Epiphany II ……

I was walking to the office one morning from the parking garage (interesting ….. same setting as Epiphany I, about three years later, freezing cold outside …. note that for the record when I need another epiphany) …. and the following just popped into my head …..

I’m not so desperate that if I don’t transition I’d kill myself ……

But I am desperate to start living …..

Definitely different reasons ……

The former …. a need simply to continue life.

The latter ….. a want to actually live.

Sure ….. saying I “need” to transition would be a lot easier in some ways ….. I could distance myself from it ….. allows me to proclaim I had no other choice but to do something so extreme, strange, odd and unnatural ….. otherwise, I’d end up dead …. sort of forces an acquiescence to my regendering by those close to me who want to remain in my life.

But that’s not the truth with me …… the truth is ….. I want to live. So, I take full responsibility in coming to my decision to transition, it’s definitely a want, not a need ……

And I’m perfectly fine with that.

Kewl. 🙂