Boat Ride
Okay …
Imagine that you’re on a boat.
Not a big boat,
‘Cause that’d be a ship,
But a boat …
Like this one.
Now imagine you’re on a lake,
Not a lame ass, puny lake like other states have …
But a big, whopping lake, like my home state has …
Such as this one.
Then …
Imagine it is your job,
Every workday,
To get in your boat,
Which isn’t too small to be on the big lake,
But only barely not too small …
And drive it out towards the middle of the lake,
And then turn around at midpoint and head back to shore.
Why?
Who knows …
It’s your job,
You like it,
And you take it seriously.
You with me so far ??
Good,
Then …
Imagine …
That when you’re on the lake,
Doing your daily journey,
You experience:
The most beautiful, relaxing sunrise;
The friendliest hello from a fellow boater passing by;
A wave crashing over you from behind catching you totally off guard;
Pleasure from your adept recovery from the wave;
A nice conversation with a boatload of strangers that pull along side you for a chat;
A bit of oddess seeing some coast guard folks pointing at you with smirks;
A wave drenching you from the side, again unseen;
Still pleasure from another adept recovery from the wave;
A nice chat over the radio from a friend you have heard from in ages, what a great surprise;
Resignation seeing the coast chat folks chatting with the boatland of friendly strangers with whom you recently chatted;
The kewlest phreaking teletype over the wire from someone you barely know telling you what a great boater you are and to keep it up;
The boatload of strangers passing by you again, this time not pausing to say ‘hola’, but just taking fertive glances as they pass;
A big ass wave crashing down on you from the front, soaking you to the core; and,
Still pleasure that you’ve still got the boat under control and remain on your feet.
Now imagine that little cycle there repeats itself,
Every 15 minutes of the day,
All day long.
Then add to it an undercurrent of choppy waters,
Not even close enough in severity to ever be a threat,
But exhausting to have to deal with all day long.
That’s pretty much what every day in January was like for me …
Hence my lack of postage,
As I got my sealegs.
You see,
The nice comfortable stealthness of my transition known only among friends, colleagues and professional peers with respect and courtesy,
Became a bit more commonly talked about by people who just found it fun to talk about me,
While I also found myself tossed into settings where my function was having to be discussed or disclosed more frequently and openly than I desired,
Not that I ever deny my function when asked,
It’s just that it really doesn’t need to be discussed in some forums where I found it being talked about.
It was a really wild month.
I had some of the most positive of experiences one could ever imagine …
Words and/or expressions of kindness and support from people …
In ways I never would even vertured to wish for,
And then the same day I’d get the rudest of e-mails.
I’d then have a totally easy comfortable work experience,
Some wicked kickass good times with friends,
Then find my function having to be unexpectedly disclosed to another stranger.
Goofy,
Repetitive,
Tiring.
Then, of course,
I just had to deal with the normal ups and downs that living a life in the woodwork entails.
Which is a similar, more routine, 15 minute cycle of waves when having encounters with:
People that know,
People that don’t know,
A combination of the two,
Some that are just figuring it out on the spot,
Some that I have to tell,
Either then or later,
Some that know and have a problem with me so I have to refrain from interaction,
Some that know and who are fine with me so I can just be myself,
Some that don’t know and who I forget that I look different to so when I am just myself and say ‘hi’, they don’t know who the hell I am,
And of course,
Some that don’t know who I’m glad don’t know !! π
Now granted,
It’s really not as complicated as it might sound …
I’ve got my routine down of how to deal with things,
Which will be shared,
Along with some of my successes,
And butterly amusing screw-ups,
In my upcoming February mini-series …
Amy’s Guide To Woodworking.
Now January wasn’t anything I couldn’t handle.
I’ve totally conditioned myself for such …
Through my painfully slow and deliberate transitiooooon. π
It’s just exhausting.
About my only gripe really,
Is the difference in time zones between me along with those that have known me for a while now …
And those that just are getting wind of things now.
For me I’ve been chica ft now for almost 8 months,
My sex change is quite the old news.
But for others,
Just learning about it,
There’s all the excitement of the news …
Good or bad,
Depending on the person.
I’m just as easy to talk with today about it,
Open at all times,
As I was 8 months ago.
I welcome all questions …
Will answer anything posed,
Honestly,
Seriously,
Yet Comfortably.
It’s just that I can tell,
Because of the time zone difference,
I’m losing interest in taking the time to answer questions,
Deal with …
Those that aren’t making inquiries with any sincere interest.
I’m generally not rude to them or anything,
That’s why I have a personal assassin,
It’s just that whereas a year ago I think I went to great lengths to be patient and understanding while some people might have struggled to come to terms with me …
Now I’m like,
I don’t care if you get it, or if you don’t get it.
Personally, if you don’t get it, I can relate,
I don’t get it still and I’m phreaking living with it …
So either you like me as a person and want to have me around in your life in some manner,
Or you don’t …
You’re call.
I actually feel bad for sort of regressing/evolving/takeyourpick to that place …
Because it makes me feel less nice,
And believe it or not,
I’m really a nice person.
Again, I can be nice because I have a personal assassin. π
However,
Being transsexual is not fun.
If you keep your function a secret,
You’re incredibly strong …
But your life sucks in many ways.
If you decide to let your function become known,
You have to develop a thick skin.
I’m bound and determined …
To prove that having a thick skin,
Doesn’t mean you can’t also have soft skin …
And be a decent, nice person.
So over the next month,
I’m going to share what I’ve learned thus far …
In my woodworking transition (and for you natals, I’ll start by explaining by what I mean by “woodworking” :)) …
And my attempt to remain soft.
It’s really not a how-to guide,
I’m sure as heck not telling anyone what to do …
Just offering what I have done as examples in case it’s useful to some.
Enjoy.
Oh yeah, and I’m honestly going to try really, really hard to have at least one post each day this month.
And I’m only 286 e-mails behind at the current time …
Yay !!! π
(It’s my goal to be caught up by Sunday, but that might be an aggressive goal as I have plans for misbehavior this weekend :)).
Hi Aims!
I’ve prolly got the wrong end of the stick..again..but may I ask: does everybody in your life need to know about your TSism? I mean, if somebody new comes onto the scene, do they have a need or a right to know?
It’s great that you’re so open about yourself, but maybe one day you will tire of explaining your function to the the umpteenth new person. Maybe one day you will want to have a “quiet life”?
I don’t mind being open with people who ask, but I’m getting to the point where I’m beginning to make it clear that I don’t like people outting me. I want people to take me as they find me, not on the basis of somebody else’s opinion – even if that’s a supportive one.
Anyway, I’d say that you’ve got a right to withhold or disclose as your please…but please don’t feel that you must disclose. And others certainly don’t have the right to disclose without a really good reason.
Hugs,
Tammy
worst anology ever.
EVER.
no, seriously.
^_^
This was a really good post, Amy, thanks. I’ve been ft only since October 15, but when the VP Academic Affairs sent out the all-out-now letter on my behalf, that outed me to all 25,000 people here (it’s a state university). This had the nice effect of putting everyone one the same footing, so it pre-empted the rumor mill.
You have a great sense of personal style! I’m jealous.
Sleep good, take care of yourself, & thank you for being you.
risa
The long day excuse works for me. I’ve had two hours of sleep in the last 37. I’m looking forward to a good night’s sleep tonight.
Ahhh … got it. Thanks Yodette !! π I was there on the whole Ricky/Lucy reference, just a little slow on grasping the rest !! Can I use the long day excuse for my mental slothness ?? π
Ricky demanded Lucy explain. Lucy was Ricky’s wife. Maybe he had the right to ask. How many expect or demand an explanation when they haven’t the right?
Hi Aleta !!! Yeah, okay, so the number might be a little light, I know I owe you at least one e-mail, possibly more than that … sorry !! π
“Being TS and aligning your gender with who you are is no different then anyone elseΣ³ struggle with finding and altering themselves to find internal peace. It happens to everyone throughout ones life. Whether they rise to the challenge and grow or stuff it down deep and ignore it. Those who are able to grow will… those who can not wonΣ΄.”
Excellent point. I wish I’d have said it, let me know when you’re going to be away from your computer for a few days so I can post it and claim it as my own. It’s not plagerism, it’s scholarship !! π Seriously though, how we deal with our transsexualism is really no different than how many others have to deal with their own challenges, it’s just the sensationalism of transsexualism seems to attract a different sort of attention. I do hope that by being fairly open about my condition and experience that it’s helping some realize that dealing with the challenges of TS is really just like a lot of other conditions people deal with … something that if you don’t have it, you’re glad you don’t … but if you know someone who does, you shouldn’t discard them, but support them and be a friend for them when they need one.
Heck yeah Anne !! π
Are you kidding ? I can’t keep such humiliation to myself … that stuff has to be shared with others !! π LOL
Shaft has volunteered to go with me, so he’ll tape the car wreck, though you might not hear me over his heckling !! π
Hi Amy, 286 e-mails huh? Are you sure it is that low?
Nice analogy there girl. I’m all for the “take it or leave it” approach. There is too little time to deal with soooo many people and if they can not understand your function, then why use up a bunch of energy attempting to enlighten them? I keep telling myself it isn’t about anyone else but about me. Attempting to feel whole and be at peace with myself in this world. Being TS isn’t about anything other then wanting to be yourself and to stop pretending to be what you are not. Life is for living and living is about life. The worlds of our love ones are those we really care about and really, they are the ones who are truly important. Common associates (and I use that word loosely) and others we cross paths with are not really that important. To them I say, “get over it or move onward”. “It’s not about you, itΣ³ about me”. Energy does not need to be wasted with those who can not be compassionate with others who must do whatever possible to find their place in this world. Being TS and aligning your gender with who you are is no different then anyone elseΣ³ struggle with finding and altering themselves to find internal peace. It happens to everyone throughout ones life. Whether they rise to the challenge and grow or stuff it down deep and ignore it. Those who are able to grow will… those who can not wonΣ΄.
Love your work babe, Aleta.
You will be taping the stand-up, right?
And posting it?
PLEEEASE!!!
I really don’t mind the passing of the information too much, at least as of now. I do appreciate it’s good stuff, and in all honesty, if it was happening to someone besides me … and it wasn’t a friend who had requested or deserved some confidence, I’d probably be talking about it too.
It’s mainly that it’s just so old news to me now, I’ve lost appreciation for it even being something worth gabbing about. π Now my stand-up comedy routine, that’s what people should be talking about !! π
The danger with complete openness up front is that everyone feels like it is public knowledge (and really cool/funny public knowledge).
Since no brakes are put on the discussion at the beginning the censor on this subject has atrophied.
It has been a couple years and I have friends who STILL don’t get it.
If you find a way to get them to rein in the disclosure, please let us know.
What ‘splaining is that ?? π
“Picture yourself in a boat on a river
With tangerine trees and marmalade skies”
“Oh Lucy! You got some s’plainin’ to do now!”
… or not. π