A Hair-Eee! Incident
Yikes !!!! I did it again !! What a dolt !!! I did that whole “cut and color” thing with my hair … and I totally hate it. It drives me up the wall, how it’s such a regular thing with me … anytime I change my hair, I end up totally hating it afterwards. What’s the deal ? Is it my change adverseness … the comfort I find in sameness. And if so, why do I keep doing this to myself? Why do I keep putting myself through the trauma of changing my hair style, color or both? It’s totally odd, but it’s becoming a regular thing.
Anyways … this time … I darkened my color some. You know, it’s Fall … so I was thinking I’d want a Fall color. And though I’m a “blonde” (at least that’s what it says on my birth certficate, but as we all know, birth certificates can be wrong !) … I felt that darkening it some with some high and low lights would be sa-weet. But no … it’s not !! It sucks !!
But I’ve learned to give it a few day before I totally over react.
Why?
Because though my particular personality abhors change … it quickly adapts to such and turns change into familiarity.
It’s something I’m experiencing on many different levels in my life right now. Obviously.
The whole decision to transition thing was a huge struggle for me, and I’ve fought steps of progress frequently along the way.
But right now, I know that I have to change my life in some way substantive. For the last week I’ve been trying to do the Joe Hairdy/Amy co-existence during the week as I did before my ffs … and it’s so not working. I have felt a sense of wrongness, frustration, anger, disinterest and anxiety to such a degree that I’ve never felt before. I’ve scared myself several times this week, but rationalized it as reacquainting my body with the hormones I ceased for 10 days surrounding my surgery, lowered energy levels from the trauma of it all, or just the strain from the stress of this endeavor. But curiously, as soon as I get home, I’m better. It’s odd … but now that I’ve gained a greater level of comfort in being myself, my tolerance for not being me has been reduced to nil. As always, I’ve tried to give it a few days … to see if things improved. But so far, nada yet.
We’ll see what next week brings.
If I learn to like my new hairstyle.
And if I can learn to tolerate my old life.
For a while longer.
That’s another nice look on you, Amy.
😛 lol I know, I know !! My hair styling skills are totally pathetic, I pretend I’m just “lazy”, but really, I’m just disturbing bad and inept at it … whether it’s a choice of color, style or cut. I’m totally envious of beeatchs like you that know what you’re doing. So not fair !!
thanks, aims…
every time i get depressed about the fact
that my hair comes in a box
and sleeps on the shelf above my bed
(a shelf my cat can’t reach)
i stop here and you tell me again
how lucky i am to have it this way…
🙂
Oh gawd iMom !! No apology necessary !! 🙂 I totally appreciated the sarcasm, I was just displaying once again my total buttheadness about regardless of who does my hair, I’m a mess afterwards !! A total mess !! I’ve got hair issues !! lol
Hon,
I’m sorry I didn’t couch the first part with obvious sarcasm. I didn’t mean to offend you.
Apology accepted?
It’s dangerous to assume since you’ve always been able to supress and control you always will be able. Life can surprise you.
Once hormones had worked their magic, my plans derailed. I’d carefully planned on at least six months passing as a boy to save the cash needed and to build the base for finding work as a woman. To my dismay I discovered I couldn’t do “boy” any longer. The prospect reduced me to to a quivering blob of tears. For someone who’d always been freightened enough of what could go wrong to be careful and plan for all contingencies, I was utterly stunned.
You never know what you are capable of accomplishing until you are challenged unprepared. I muddled through. The whole experience gave me a sense of self-confidence I never had before. It made me grow up and become an adult … woman. It made me who I am, in more ways than are physically obvious.
Actually I have a really kewl hairdresser, he’s the best. I go through this whenever we do any substantive change in my style. He knows my cut serves two purposes and he’s created one that works nicely !! As usual, I feel he cut too much this time, but I’m usually wrong. It’s the color that I feel is too dark this time. We’ll see if it lightens up … I wanted dark blonde and I thinks it brunette. Of course, we must remember my whole color blind situatiooooon … which might be why my hair looks green to me now ! 🙂
When I was on the verge of transition, the company I worked for was sold and I had to find a new job. Logically, I planned to stay in boy-mode, as I had a bit more electrolysis to go and I knew I could access my job-history and find a job easier. I knew the money would be better as the he I was with a long history in the area. Besides, I figured, I could always be the real me on the weekends … After a few months of no sucess, I realized that I just wasn’t convincing folks in the interviews that I was the right person for the job.
The problem was that, emotionally, I had already moved on – I was already Heather in emotion and mindset, and subconsciously, I just couldn’t bear to pretend to be a boy any longer, even for the sake of a job …
You may find you are ready to slip over even if you are holding yourself back for some reason …
This is not something you can force into a logical
bluprint of action – sometimes, its just the right time to move ahead …
Good luck to you!
As far as the hair goes?
Go Get A Freakin’ Hairdresser!
At least then, you’ll have someone else to blame if you don’t like the color/cut.
Oh, on the other subject. Yeah, you’re finding out just how much you -can’t- do the Joe Hairdy thing anymore. Now you’ve had a pretty good taste of being yourself, so why should you settle for that Nutrasweet existence.
Bad Girls, Bad Girls,
What ya going to do?
What ya going to do when you are the real you?