Private Time
I’m finding myself thirsting for solitude.
I really don’t know for sure why the thirst.
Though I’m guessing it’s sort of my mind telling me it needs some dedicated processor time.
And it certainly has been actively working.
I’ve been processing in my mind all of the things going on in my life …
Having gone on in my life …
And about to transpire in my life.
But you know what ??
Seriously …
I’m not kidding …
Taking to heart a wise comment made earlier …
I really haven’t been doing too much thinking.
It’s hard to explain, but though I can tell my mind is busy … working hard … it’s almost at a subconscious level … because I’m really not thinking of anything in particular.
Now as we all know … it is totally within my ability to overthink things …
And this weekend …
I tried to think about this whole transition thing …
I tried to think about figuring out a way to explain to my parents what this feels like such that they can try to better understand why I find such a dramatic step necessary … and …
I tried to think about reconciling in my mind the “transition anxiety” I feel caused by insecurities I have about deciding to transition to make myself happier as opposed to feeling a need to transition as the only way to avoid suicide.
But when I tried to think about such things …
My mind said …
I don’t think so.
I’m busy.
So … in order to quench this thirst for solitude,
I’m giving it its private time …
I haven’t check my office e-mail all weekend …
I silenced my cell phone and have only been checking sporadically for pages …
I haven’t answered my land-based phone at all (total waste of money, it’s not like I ever answer that phone anyways).
I roamed the mall … I vegged in front of the tube … and I pulled weeds growing in the cracks of my driveway.
Hopefully my mind will finish processing soon …
I’ve got a lot of serious stuff to overthink !!
🙂
aims–
i’ve learned so much from you;
right now i’m thinking
IA1a commenting on your need for solitude
would necessarily defeat the purpose…
🙂
so maybe reading “Vanilla Coke Sky”
would help…
i’m sure you know where to find it
if you haven’t already…
🙂
Lisa–
thanks;
quite by coincidence,
that was the sort of stuff i needed to hear,
too…
Ames,
you’re past the Why? or Why Not?
The problem your mind is starting to have is:
When and How.
You know you’re going to do this, and your schedule isn’t looking like what you wanted. It’s moved up on you. The problem is you did a schedule that was tied to dates, not a timeline of events that would happen in a certain order. That’s where a lot of girls get surprised. The less you depend on dates, the easier it makes it. Thing will happen in the best time for them to happen. Let them.
The other part your brain is just starting to cope with is How. There’s so much to this whole Transition/Full Time thing that it’s hard to find all the details. And guess what? You’ll never get them all. They will sneak up behind you and tickle you, come up beside you and whack up upside the head, and just come up and say Hello! What to do?
Do your best. Try to anticipate all that you can. Don’t be freaked when you don’t. No one gets it all right. But have fun along the way. You’ll never get the chance to have another puberty. Er, well, ok, you ARE getting another chance. But you’ll only get one chance to have a puberty as a GIRL, so enjoy the heck out of it.
I did a lot of the above, and had a hell of a good time. And, because I didn’t have a strict schedule, I went from taking my first hormones 12/87 to Full Time 6/88 to Surgery 1/89. If I had put a real timeline to it, I would have been constantly flummoxed!
Just take it easy, and you’ll make it.
Write anytime you want. My shoulder’s always open.