Amy’s Consumer Reports

Uncle Ben’s Ready Rice

Uncle Ben’s Ready Rice is a godsend. Seriously. All you do is take the package of whichever rice flavor you have chosen and without opening the package, scrunch up and break apart this rice bar inside the package so all the rice pellets are separated, tear the top of the package open for venting, put it in the microwave for 90 seconds, and then pour it onto a plate or dish and presto magico … you’ve got some great tasting Uncle Ben’s flavored rice. It comes in a healthy portion, enough for two people to share or one bulimic transsexual. Granted … I’m exemplifying the epitomy of laziness here … opting to avoid boiling water and letting the rice rise for a few extra minutes, but hey … I also avoid the clean-up process. And it’s really good tasting rice. (Not that rice is hard to make, but you can screw it up at times, this approach removes all potential variables.) At my grocery store it’s currently priced the same as the traditional Uncle Ben’s package of the same size ($1.49), so at that price point, it’s a no brainer for me. I’d say I’d be willing to pay up to $.25 more than the traditional package for the convenience. If it’s priced more than that … I’d probably pass. All in all … I consider it a must-buy.

Coppertone Sunless Tanning Lotion

In case you haven’t noticed, I’m fair skinned. My skin has three different colors it will present from time to time … a light, pinkish hue; a scalding, painful lobster red; and, this crackly shade of peeling skin. Rinse and repeat. That’s all I bring to the table. And though I’m fairly fine with my appearance in most respects, let’s be real here folks, a little color on one’s legs can really make them look nice. Add to that the fact that my girlfriends all can somehow phreaking obtain a perfect, dark tan simply by mentioning the sun … and you can see why I was looking for some alternatives … specifically, a tan in a bottle.

The product I tested was Coppertone Sunless Tanning Lotion:

The pros: It’s easy to apply, pour in your hands and smooth on where you want a tan. It renders some color rather quickly, about 30 minutes, so you can see easily where you need to smooth things out. And most importantly, it actually looks pretty real and doesn’t have that orange-ish color some brands show. I was very pleased with the results and after about 2 hours, I had the tannest looking legs ever.

The cons: Some might say it stinks, but after years of suffering the gaseous expulsions eminating from Shaft’s ass, apparently I’m conditioned enough so that it really didn’t phase me. It stains the krap (and actually looks like it) out of any clothing it touches until it dries … which is pretty much about an hour. So you really have to stay nude for an extended period of time after application and depending on where you “tan”, you might be standing that entire period.

The tips: Shave your legs first and exfoliate, otherwise, you get a little streakiness in some places. Go extra light on the lotion anywhere your skin isn’t smooth and soft, such as your heels, balls of your feet, tops of your toes if you have some hardened skin there, cuts on your leg from self-inflicted shaving incidents … otherwise those spots will look darker than the rest. If after applying you notice that you messed up in that respect, say around the 30 minute mark, take some soap and water and try to smooth it out some. It won’t get perfect, but it’ll be far less noticeable. Also, it’s not a sunscreen, so if you go outside, you still need the screen.

Overall, I consider it a repeat purchase. I won’t use it on a regular basis, because it’s sort of a pain to wait while it dries. But when you factor in the time it takes to go to the tanning salon, tan, and return home … it’s probably not that much longer than the salon approach. My “tan” seemed to last about 3-4 days … I applied it on a Thursday night and it was very presentable throughout the weekend. I paid something like $10.00 for it at Target, and there’s enough there for multiple applications of my legs … I’m not sure how many entire body applications you can get … but it still seems to fit in with about the cost of a tanning salon session.

KFC aka Kentucky Fried Chicken

I’m done with the place. Seriously, we all know how I love questionable fast food, and KFC has some of the most questionable. Also, I’ll be the first to admit, I love the 7 herbs and spices of the original recipe KFC chicken-type product, yuuummmmmm !!! 🙂 But I’m disgusted with the size of what they try to pass off as a drumstick these days. Honest to gawd, I can get a bigger-sized drumstick in the Hooter’s appetizer tray of wings than I get from KFC in their four piece original recipe meal. And then it costs me darn near $7.00 dollars.

Hey Colonel … your ever shrinking stick is leaving me less than satisfied. I’m seeking dining pleasure elsewhere. Peace out.

Editor’s Note: The lack of linkage to KFC was intentional 🙂