Watching My Language

I swore … not a great deal or anything …

But probably a bit more than your average bear.

Though 80% of my swearing activities were either at work or resulting therefrom.

And I did try to watch where I swore …

Around children? … Definitely a no-no,

Around women? … Blame it on my southern upbringing, but again, a no-no. (They can speak up if I’m wrong, but I think I rarely ever swore around Sister and Singer, and when I did, most of the time I apologized. To which Sister usually replied, “You pussyfuck.“)

Around strangers? … Nope, that’s just rude.

So really, it was mainly around the office and “the guys”.

And we all know the best, most versatile swear word of all is “fuck“. It’s a pretty harsh word, though in boy mode, it was my word of choice. I tried to soften it some here, by spelling it phuck … but still, I think it should only be used for very special occasions.

I also liked the words cocksucker and douchebag. Yeah, I know.

Now people, when they are really angry, swear a bit differently … maybe louder, maybe while pounding something, who knows. Shaft, for instance, swears in triplicate … same word in a escalating cresendo … fuck, fuCK, FUCK !!! Me? I used to combine swear words together, making up words and phrases, usually using those three words or a derivative … cocksucking muther fucking douchebag, fucking bag of cock suck … you get the idea.

Anyways … I’m bringing this up because for the most part, I swore in my charade of being a guy. I didn’t start swearing until college, where for the first time, I found it really more challenging to pull of the guy act … so if I swore, they’d never suspect I wasn’t anything but as I was presenting myself …. you know, I’m a guy … grunt, grunt, grunt.

But now that I’m not faking it anymore, my swearing has toned down significantly … it’s really clear to me that it’s not part of my nature … sarcastic, one liners are more my natural mode of insultcommunication.

Though …

Every now and then … it’s really useful to have a nice swear word at your disposal. So I’ve put some thought into the swear words I’m going to include in my vocabulary … and the winners are:

Bitch … I use it in two different ways: One, to describe a female I don’t like – which I don’t use very often; And two, to describe female friends in a teasing, joking sort of way – Claire and Kenna are generally the recipients of this usage.

Bastard … The male equivalent of bitch. Though sometimes, I toss it out as a descriptive to a guy I’m feigning disinterest in, but from whom I would like some attentiooon.

Asshole … Sometimes used in jest, but more frequently used to describe a total jerk. Usually other drivers.

Those are fine for descriptive needs, but … I needed a nice exclamation swear word … and there were really only two possible choices … shit or damn. Yeah, right. There’s only one possible choice … I’m going with damn. Though I think I’m going to go more often with the usage over-attributed to Dr. McCoy from Star Trek fame … dammit.

So that’s it … my use of swear words will be limited to the following: Bitch, Bastard, Asshole and Damn (Dammit).

Oh … and this doesn’t mean I won’t continue to say … “What the …”, “Jerk”, “Yeah right”, “Whatever”, or any other near-swear word or phrase. ‘Cause face it, that’s just in my nature. 🙂