Annual Exam 2006

So I had my first Annual Exam today …

And by Annual Exam,

I mean …

The Annual Exam.

I really wasn’t planning on doing such,

Because all I wanted was to get my script refilled for the next ano.

But in order to do such,

My doc likes to see me at least once a year,

Do some labwork on me, and

Listen to some of my jokes.

Well,

Maybe not that last one. *shrug*

Unfortunately,

This year …

When I called for my appointment,

I found out I had to see someone else …

Because my doctor,

Who rocks,

Got knocked up and is out on maternity leave.

Bummer.

Anyways,

The woman on the phone doing the scheduling said she’d get me scheduled with someone else,

And to make a long Amy story …

Slightly shorter,

Through poorly provided answers on my part,

I ended up getting scheduled not for just a quick check-up …

But for an Annual Exam,

Which technically,

I’m not sure I need.

I really don’t know,

I hadn’t checked out the owner’s manual I got with this body.

But I figured,

What the heck?

Why call back and correct the misunderstanding?

Let’s just see where this takes me.

Well,

Here’s where it took me:

1. I experienced quite a tingle of angst wondering if I was going to have a boy doctor or a girl doctor. When I was asked which I’d prefer, for some reason, I said I didn’t care. Which really wasn’t true. As the more I thought about having a boy doctor poking around my my southern parts … inspecting and evaluating, I found myself not all that crazy about the idea. Nonetheless, though I wasn’t crazy about it, I didn’t lame out and call back for a girl doctor. I figured I’d run with it. However, it did mean that since I might have a boy doctor inspecting me … I needed to do some yard work before my doctor’s appointment.

2. The Annual Exam takes much longer than the just the normal check-up, at least this one did. But the “much longer” was mainly just waiting … waiting … waiting.

3. The exam didn’t bother me, or hurt, nearly as much as when I had a prostate exam. Prostate exams, at least for me, were much more offensive. And painful. In theory, they probably should still check to see if they can find my prostate … it should be itty-bitty-puny-tiny by now, but they didn’t and I wasn’t about to mention it.

4. I ended up having a female doctor … a totally kewl chica. She’s definitely a good fill-in for my aforementioned favorite knocked up doc.

5. Honest to gawd, I must have been asked three times … “Do you need a pap smear?” Heck, I don’t know !!! I don’t even know what a pap smear is … I think it requires parts which I don’t have, i.e. a cervix, but I’m just not sure. Regardless, having learned from experience, when asked if I want something which I have no idea what it is … I now just say no. Which I did, at least three times. 

6.My doctor said I had nice breasts. Thanks doc, thanks Dr. Z, thanks guys. She also liked my toenails … which are currently blue. Actually, most of the time they are some shade of blue, except on occasion, I do paint them orange.

7. She also said that my southern surgeon did good work and that if I didn’t tell anyone, no one would know. I don’t know about that. I think she was probably just blowing smoke. I tend to think all doctors say that about their patient’s results, though I really don’t care. It’s not like I’m looking at it. Nonetheless, she did comment … “You are a bit red”, to which I replied, “Yeah, I know, sometimes my dilator is a little rough with me.” She laughed.

8. I had to get a tetanus shot … apparently at my doctor’s offfice, if you haven’t had one in 10 years, they want you to get a new one. The shot didn’t hurt, but gawd is my arm ever sore where I got the shot now. I hope I don’t bruise, ‘cause I was planning on going sleeveless this weekend. Heh. I tried to bribe the nurse, I offered her $2, cold, hard cash, to say she gave me the shot but to just toss it away in the disposable needle thingy. She wouldn’t take it. She was still a worthy nurse. I liked her.

9. When I went to the lab to get blood drawn, the phlebotomist did an excellent job of drawing my blood. I honestly didn’t feel it at all. “Girl, you’re the best blood sucker ever,” I said. She smiled, but didn’t laugh. I think she heard that one before.

10. I’ve gained 5 lbs since last year. Damn. Time to start puking again. Oh yeah, the check-in nurse did ask me “Amelia (they call me Amelia there), do you smoke?” Which I answered by recycling a line from Stripes which really doesn’t even work in this setting, “No, but I’m willing to learn.” She laughed. And it wasn’t even a courtesy laugh, it was a sincere, hearty laugh. I think it was the first time she had heard that one. So sad. Seriously people, if any of you haven’t seen Stripes, rent it. View it. It’s a classic.

Anyways, I’m not sure if this will work or not, and I know the volume is uber low as I was whispering during the recording of these, but if you can lip read, there’s a boatload of sarcastic comments in these bits: Ahem … they aren’t here yet, I can’t get them to work. I’ll keep trying though.

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27 Comments

  1. Flohammed no girl, it’s fine !!! I love the attention !!! 🙂 Thanks for picking one of my better pics to use … at the First Event conventiooooon in Boston last month, I was sitting in on Dr. Z’s presentation and up popped a Before/After of me on the screen … there were audible gasps of “Uggggg” throughout the room … Jenny then said the second funniest line of the convention … “Wow, there’s hope for me yet” … the rest of the room uh-huh’d in personal agreement … I was like, “ummm, people … I’m here, yuhp, right here in the room … I wasn’t that scary before, really !!!” 🙂

  2. oh, yeah,
    i ganked the amydrinkingagain pic
    for my bloggery goodness page/column
    because it’s such a cool pic…
    if that’s not alright,
    lemme know and i’ll remove it…
    🙂

  3. seriously…
    new doctor,
    new nurse,
    she’s running through the questions and asks when i started my period…
    and i’m suddenly in a brain fart mode…
    then i say “thank you” and she’s confused, and when i explain, she’s all embarrassed, and i’m like, no, don’t be… really, it’s the nicest thing anyone has said to me in years…
    it’s even better than being asked about my husband…
    🙂
    well, yeah, i’m still around, but, you know, you quit encouraging me with your wonderful comments, and i thought you’d moved on to some other level of, ummm… whatever, you know?

    okay, okay, maybe i’m too much of a crybaby…
    :p

  4. Weeding the garden – yardwork – always makes things look nice and kempt – I always appreciated it. What’s really fun is when someone takes the time and the effort to maintain a topiary garden…..

    heh heh heh…

  5. Hi Hon, loved the part about have to do a ” yard work ” you always give me a laugh or two, hope your doing well if you ever get to SF, let me take you to Dinner 🙂

  6. Dear god, that was a funny doctor’s visit. Mine is never that funny, grumpy bastard. However the assistants are allways in for a chat so that makes up.

    Btw I am having the ‘yard’ cleaned permanently … jeeesss, that freaking hurts. :-S

  7. Amy, I just love your site. Your exam story brought a smile to my face this evening. As a trans girl only a little ways into the process, I need a lot of smiles. Take care girl!

  8. gflagger i did not mean pass as a woman i meant pass like taking a quiz see Amy’s comment to me !!!! i would like a c also!!!!hahahah! take care!

  9. Jedi mind tricks only work on the weak minded and this nurse chica wasn’t weak minded 🙂

    I was content passing with a C … I really didn’t feel like studying. 🙂

  10. heya…
    umm… for some reason, we haven’t talked in a long time… i thought maybe i’d gotten boring or something, i dunno…
    *sigh*
    anyway (or is it amyway?), my blog administrator person told me today that i’m getting 70 hits a month from here…
    *blink*
    okay, that’s only 2 or 3 a day, but still, far more than i expected…
    if the two or three of you would say hey once in a while, i wouldn’t be as discouraged as i often am…
    trust me, an unpublished catholic transsexual fiction writer frequently becomes extremely discouraged…

  11. Jenny – I’m surprised at you. “Pass” a medical test as a woman? What would it matter? Isn’t this what it is all about, that you ARE a woman? That ALL ts are?

  12. OK I am going to ask since no one else is woman enough to ask ….did you pass??? and if so what is condsidered a passing grade? b,c,d?? dd????? i never pass exams i get all nervous and can’t perform …. and the last why did you not use jedi mind tricks on the nurse???

  13. Great blog, sweetie…the “dialator” comment cracked me up…thanks for the chuckle!

    …oh yeah, the smoking thingy…don’t…we want to keep you around as long as possible… 🙂

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