So I had my first Annual Exam today …
And by Annual Exam,
I mean …
The Annual Exam.
I really wasn’t planning on doing such,
Because all I wanted was to get my script refilled for the next ano.
But in order to do such,
My doc likes to see me at least once a year,
Do some labwork on me, and
Listen to some of my jokes.
Maybe not that last one. *shrug*
This year …
When I called for my appointment,
I found out I had to see someone else …
Because my doctor,
Got knocked up and is out on maternity leave.
The woman on the phone doing the scheduling said she’d get me scheduled with someone else,
And to make a long Amy story …
Through poorly provided answers on my part,
I ended up getting scheduled not for just a quick check-up …
But for an Annual Exam,
I’m not sure I need.
I really don’t know,
I hadn’t checked out the owner’s manual I got with this body.
But I figured,
What the heck?
Why call back and correct the misunderstanding?
Let’s just see where this takes me.
Here’s where it took me:
1. I experienced quite a tingle of angst wondering if I was going to have a boy doctor or a girl doctor. When I was asked which I’d prefer, for some reason, I said I didn’t care. Which really wasn’t true. As the more I thought about having a boy doctor poking around my my southern parts … inspecting and evaluating, I found myself not all that crazy about the idea. Nonetheless, though I wasn’t crazy about it, I didn’t lame out and call back for a girl doctor. I figured I’d run with it. However, it did mean that since I might have a boy doctor inspecting me … I needed to do some yard work before my doctor’s appointment.
2. The Annual Exam takes much longer than the just the normal check-up, at least this one did. But the “much longer” was mainly just waiting … waiting … waiting.
3. The exam didn’t bother me, or hurt, nearly as much as when I had a prostate exam. Prostate exams, at least for me, were much more offensive. And painful. In theory, they probably should still check to see if they can find my prostate … it should be itty-bitty-puny-tiny by now, but they didn’t and I wasn’t about to mention it.
4. I ended up having a female doctor … a totally kewl chica. She’s definitely a good fill-in for my aforementioned favorite knocked up doc.
5. Honest to gawd, I must have been asked three times … “Do you need a pap smear?” Heck, I don’t know !!! I don’t even know what a pap smear is … I think it requires parts which I don’t have, i.e. a cervix, but I’m just not sure. Regardless, having learned from experience, when asked if I want something which I have no idea what it is … I now just say no. Which I did, at least three times.
6.My doctor said I had nice breasts. Thanks doc, thanks Dr. Z, thanks guys. She also liked my toenails … which are currently blue. Actually, most of the time they are some shade of blue, except on occasion, I do paint them orange.
7. She also said that my southern surgeon did good work and that if I didn’t tell anyone, no one would know. I don’t know about that. I think she was probably just blowing smoke. I tend to think all doctors say that about their patient’s results, though I really don’t care. It’s not like I’m looking at it. Nonetheless, she did comment … “You are a bit red”, to which I replied, “Yeah, I know, sometimes my dilator is a little rough with me.” She laughed.
8. I had to get a tetanus shot … apparently at my doctor’s offfice, if you haven’t had one in 10 years, they want you to get a new one. The shot didn’t hurt, but gawd is my arm ever sore where I got the shot now. I hope I don’t bruise, ‘cause I was planning on going sleeveless this weekend. Heh. I tried to bribe the nurse, I offered her $2, cold, hard cash, to say she gave me the shot but to just toss it away in the disposable needle thingy. She wouldn’t take it. She was still a worthy nurse. I liked her.
9. When I went to the lab to get blood drawn, the phlebotomist did an excellent job of drawing my blood. I honestly didn’t feel it at all. “Girl, you’re the best blood sucker ever,” I said. She smiled, but didn’t laugh. I think she heard that one before.
10. I’ve gained 5 lbs since last year. Damn. Time to start puking again. Oh yeah, the check-in nurse did ask me “Amelia (they call me Amelia there), do you smoke?” Which I answered by recycling a line from Stripes which really doesn’t even work in this setting, “No, but I’m willing to learn.” She laughed. And it wasn’t even a courtesy laugh, it was a sincere, hearty laugh. I think it was the first time she had heard that one. So sad. Seriously people, if any of you haven’t seen Stripes, rent it. View it. It’s a classic.
Anyways, I’m not sure if this will work or not, and I know the volume is uber low as I was whispering during the recording of these, but if you can lip read, there’s a boatload of sarcastic comments in these bits: Ahem … they aren’t here yet, I can’t get them to work. I’ll keep trying though.