Broken, Not Damaged

I do not get why anyone would ever want to relationship with me,

Ever.

Which is a line of thinking that not only enables me to efficiently tank any and all relationships in which I allow myself to dally,

It also surrounds me with strong defensive walls that makes getting me to even consider a dally statistically impossible when you factor in the margin of error.

I was not always as such,

This behavior particular that is totally a Me 2.0 construct.

I trace its origins back to my Decision making process.

Turns out there were small, incidental, components of thought leading up to the Decision,

That continue to impact me to this day.

In this particular situation,

When I was making the Decision,

One of the variables I set was to presume that if I chose Option 1,

I would never be in a coupling relationship again.

It seemed like a completely reasonable, practical variable to set as such at the time:

I did not want to expect a future coupling relationship and end up disappointed if one never happened,

Possibly causing me to second-guess said Decision.

Instead,

I deemed the more cautious approach would be to make my Decision with the thought I would be alone for the balance of life,

So if that turns out to be the case,

It would be as expected.

Regret and doubt avoided.

Unexpectedly, though,

The mere act of setting the variable in such a manner,

Has triggered in me an apparently strong-willed determination to indeed make it the case.

My commitment issues have become borderline obsessive,

And if I didn’t have such commitment issues,

I would have been able to simply call them obsessive.

The inspiration for this post was an unexpected text I received from the Invisible Boyfriend app …

That simply said “I Miss You“.

Forgetting I had signed up for random, allegedly flirtatious texts,

I found myself upon reading it immediately concluding I needed to end things now with this way too clingy one.

Milliseconds later my conscious,

Voluntary thought returned and I recalled it was a programmed missive sent by a bot delivered with the intent that a normal person would presumably find sweet.

Sweet?

Really?

Anyways,

Some of my friends think I am such because I don’t like me,

That my Function is such a self-disdaining feature in my mind,

Loathing within me for me,

That it is a wall of self-creation that will remain until I decide to tear it down,

And stop hating me.

<shoulder shrug>

Eh.

</shoulder shrug>

I get where they come up with that diagnosis,

But I think they are hopping on the logical fallacy bandwagon and landing on an incorrect conclusion …

That my intensely critical doubt and disbelief as to why anyone would ever want to relationship with me

Somwhow equates in way with a proposition that I apparently hate me,

Which I don’t.

I am totally Team Amy,

Or TeAmy if we are preserving digit …

Counts.

Besides,

My Function and I are quite friendly and compatible with one another,

Which is a good thing considering we are like stuck with one another and all.

The timing of this is not to convey some veiled message to a hypothetical admirer to have patience with me,

That I will come around.

I will not come around. This is

No,

This is krafted solely in case others at some point in journey are setting similar variables for themselves,

Going through a decision making process,

And to toss out the thought that maybe,

When it comes to this particular variable,

They consider tweaking it a tad.

And making it a bit less absolute.

Or not,

‘Cause

For me,

I’m perfectly fine with how my variable setting is working out.

 

2 thoughts on “Broken, Not Damaged”

  1. Hiya!

    I often wonder how things have been be-ing with you. (Long time reader). It seems your “Wit” is still very much in tact, so I’d deem (if anyone gave a damn about my opinion) this mission to have been a success!!

    Knowingly or not, you helped me quite a bit back in the day, thank you for that.

    Regarding this post.

    I’m glad you and your “function” are happily co-existing. My function and I are not really, I still hate my “function” as much as I ever have, however, I do not give it all the power over my life that it once possessed (just most of it).

    Doubts are very difficult to manage, and they seem constant, however how do we know we’re truly alive if we never get to feel hurt or pain?

    I am fortunate to have a man who I DO believe loves me (most of the time) and as sad as this may sound to some people, it is the biggest thing in my life.

    I believe my situation is harder for me than it is for him.

    I’m no-one and nothing to you, so you can do as you will with my comment, but I think it would be very sad to go through all that you have and never open yourself to even the possibility someone might want you.

    I’ve never even met you and I can already see something that people do find attractive.

    If you’d ever like a chat feel free to look me up.

    • Hey girl ! Interesting point about a “don’t want to get hurt” component to consider. I don’t think that it is so much of a contributing factor to my behavior that it would prevent me from involvement in a future commitment activity if I ever could get myself over the other barriers bouncing around in my head, but I do think it would probably keep me being super, extra cautious. Thanks for making me think !

      And thanks for the shout out ! I appreciate it ! If I don’t have your email, please shoot it to me. Be peachy !

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