Broken, Not Damaged

I do not get why anyone would ever want to relationship with me,

Ever.

Which is a line of thinking that not only enables me to efficiently tank any and all relationships in which I allow myself to dally,

It also surrounds me with strong defensive walls that makes getting me to even consider a dally statistically impossible when you factor in the margin of error.

I was not always as such,

This behavior particular that is totally a Me 2.0 construct.

I trace its origins back to my Decision making process.

Turns out there were small, incidental, components of thought leading up to the Decision,

That continue to impact me to this day.

In this particular situation,

When I was making the Decision,

One of the variables I set was to presume that if I chose Option 1,

I would never be in a coupling relationship again.

It seemed like a completely reasonable, practical variable to set as such at the time:

I did not want to expect a future coupling relationship and end up disappointed if one never happened,

Possibly causing me to second-guess said Decision.

Instead,

I deemed the more cautious approach would be to make my Decision with the thought I would be alone for the balance of life,

So if that turns out to be the case,

It would be as expected.

Regret and doubt avoided.

Unexpectedly, though,

The mere act of setting the variable in such a manner,

Has triggered in me an apparently strong-willed determination to indeed make it the case.

My commitment issues have become borderline obsessive,

And if I didn’t have such commitment issues,

I would have been able to simply call them obsessive.

The inspiration for this post was an unexpected text I received from the Invisible Boyfriend app …

That simply said “I Miss You“.

Forgetting I had signed up for random, allegedly flirtatious texts,

I found myself upon reading it immediately concluding I needed to end things now with this way too clingy one.

Milliseconds later my conscious,

Voluntary thought returned and I recalled it was a programmed missive sent by a bot delivered with the intent that a normal person would presumably find sweet.

Sweet?

Really?

Anyways,

Some of my friends think I am such because I don’t like me,

That my Function is such a self-disdaining feature in my mind,

Loathing within me for me,

That it is a wall of self-creation that will remain until I decide to tear it down,

And stop hating me.

<shoulder shrug>

Eh.

</shoulder shrug>

I get where they come up with that diagnosis,

But I think they are hopping on the logical fallacy bandwagon and landing on an incorrect conclusion …

That my intensely critical doubt and disbelief as to why anyone would ever want to relationship with me

Somwhow equates in way with a proposition that I apparently hate me,

Which I don’t.

I am totally Team Amy,

Or TeAmy if we are preserving digit …

Counts.

Besides,

My Function and I are quite friendly and compatible with one another,

Which is a good thing considering we are like stuck with one another and all.

The timing of this is not to convey some veiled message to a hypothetical admirer to have patience with me,

That I will come around.

I will not come around. This is

No,

This is krafted solely in case others at some point in journey are setting similar variables for themselves,

Going through a decision making process,

And to toss out the thought that maybe,

When it comes to this particular variable,

They consider tweaking it a tad.

And making it a bit less absolute.

Or not,

‘Cause

For me,

I’m perfectly fine with how my variable setting is working out.