the sexuality gospel of Amy-Wan Kenobi

WARNING: This post talks about sex … specifically sex about me, by me and desired by me. If learning about such inner most thoughts of my being causes you the least bit of concern and angst, I advise that you just skip over this post in its entirety. I’m not kidding.

However, if references to needles in one’s penis, Viagra, monkey sex, performance anxiety, sexual dysfunction, sex in public places and sexual attraction in general are of interest to you … especially when those things concern me … please feel free to proceed.

Oh yeah, someday in the distant future this post will be quite controversial … scholars will debate its authenticity … because it addresses the topic of me wanting to get laid … ya see, there there will be some of those that worship me who will not want to believe it is true … so this is my message to those followers … just deal with it for Amy-wan’s sake. Even self-created deities for the purpose of a distant practical joke like me need a little action now and then. Phreaks. 😉

So the question is …

What kind of sexual being am I?

It’s one of the questions that is asked of me fairly frequently though not usually in those terms.

The usual form of inquiry is “Do you like boys or girls?“.

I’m fairly certain everyone has wondered about it … though it’s been interesting to me how and when people ask me about it.

The closer a person is to me … the least likely they are to ask me about it. It might be because they know me so well, they’ve got it figured out already; it might be that they are so involved in this in other respects, who I want to sleep with is no big deal; it might be that they are curious, but just choose to give me some privacy.

The friends who aren’t as close … well, they’ll get around to asking about it, usually the first time we talk, but near the end of the conversation.

Those that don’t really know me, but get the scoop … they usually ask the question pretty darn early in any conversation.

Anyways …

For the purpose of this gospel … I going to frame it as a series of three inquisitives:

1. Am I sexually attracted to males, females, both or neither?

2. Has the object of my sexual attraction changed during the course of my transition?

3. If it has, then why?

Let’s start out with the simple answers …

Oh wait … there’s no simple answers here … to any of these questions.

They are generally going to be the typical, long winded Amy-answers.

Sorry.

*shrug*

The answer to the first question, Am I sexually attracted to males, females, both or neither?, is actually fairly simple. I like boys.

But the answer to the second question, Has the object of my sexual attraction changed during the course of my transition?, is much more involved though can be stated as “Yes. It has.”

When I was a boy, I was only sexually attracted to girls.

Now as a girl, I’m finding myself only sexually attracted to boys.

Yeah, sure, fine. But what do you mean by sexual attraction? I mean, how can you know, it’s not like you’ve got the parts yet? Right?

Well … yeah. True.

Sexual attraction to me means a physical reaction for the most part. Sure … there’s an emotional component … but for the purposes of this discussion, we’re talking primarily physical.

Now when I was a boy, I got my physical reaction from girls.

I liked the touch of their skin, their aroma, the sound of their voice … all basic sensory feedback.

Women … could aroused me.

And yes … in the days of boy, I was capable of sexual arousal … up to a certain point. I could get hard, especially during the foreplay stages … but when it came to the point of intercourse, my hard erection would often become a sort of soft erection … an erection still, but not as firm as one would like, expect.

I really couldn’t explain it … it was odd, it was as if when I got to a certain point, my brain would start to try and shut my body down. Bastard/Bitch. Not always. But enough such that intercourse always brought with it a certain amount of anxiety for me.

Now, let’s be blunt here … I pretty much darn well suspected what the problem was … since the age of 4 or 5, I always knew I had an issue of sorts … but remember, I was in active denial. Seriously, who in their right mind would want to be a transsexual over having a mere impotence problem … performance anxiety. Sure. That had to be it.

I mean … remember in my whole self diagnosis issue, I had eliminated everything else.

I didn’t consider myself gay – though I could and would acknowledge a guy as being attractive … looking at, seeing, being around a guy never once caused me any sort of sexual arousal.

Just didn’t.

And I didn’t consider myself a transvestite/crossdresser … women’s clothes were just never arousing to me, unless of course they were being worn by women, not by me.

It always came back to that damn transsexual thing, but I couldn’t be a transsexual … I didn’t feel “trapped in a man’s body” … I liked the perks of being a guy.

Nothing seemed to apply to me …

So heck, it had to be a physical problem of sorts, besides … that was an easy answer.

Which is why I had the beejeebers checked outta me for any physical problems with the boy unit.

Before Viagra … I was sticking needles into my penis and shooting up something to cause a long lasting erection … it worked, that’s for damn sure.

Wasn’t the most enjoyable thing in the world to do, poking needles into your penis, but it was successful.

And then Viagra came around … and yeah, that worked too, didn’t hurt … and allowed some maintence and extension of erectionage.

But still, at the point of intimacy … it continued to feel as if my body wanted to shut down, not participate … the role of penetrator just didn’t feel … right.

And though I had the equipment, and could and did make it work, something made me want to resist.

Fast forward to today.

I now find myself attracted to men.

I like their scent, I like their shape, I like their presence.

I like them holding me, I like them kissing me and I like them touching me (in the few places it’s safe for me to let them touch).

In fact, instead of the resisting, being hesitant of, moments of intimacy as I had in the old days, I actually crave and ache for such opportunities now …

And have to restrain myself from taking any stupid risks. (Ahhhh … any more stupid risks.)

Just to be clear though … similar to the fact that not all women were arousing to me, not all men are arousing to me. I find the whole “works for me” aspect amusing. In the old days, I could see a one beautiful woman and she wouldn’t do a thing for me, but I could see another beautiful woman and would be unable to get her out of my mind. The same has happened to me with men … some handsome men are clearly attractive, but they’re like “yeah whatever” to me, but then some other guys, I’m totally all into.

Okay, whatever. That’s a lot of sharing there.

So I like boys now, but I used to like girls.

We’ve got the point.

Now we have to answer the third question, Why has the object of my attraction changed?

To which I can only reply … I dunna know.

I just don’t know.

In theory, if gender identity is distinct from sexual preference … then my sexual preference shouldn’t change just because I’m assuming my natural gender identity.

Which would suggest to me that either I should have liked boys in the old days … or I should continue to like girls now.

But that doesn’t seem to be the case.

Now when I first started this whole rigamarole … I figured that I might just turn out to be asexual. Just not too interested in sex period. I honestly couldn’t imagine myself ever being some man’s girlfriend or wife.

The mere thought of it just sent a wave of “no phucking way” all over me.

And since I figured that I was hesitant, resistant in ways … to intimacy with women in the old days, I probably wouldn’t be suddenly finding myself wanting sex with women.

And that was the case for about the first year I was on hormones.

But after about a year of being on both anti-androgens and estrogen …

I started finding myself …

Noticing men.

Their gait, their butts, their smiles, their eyes, their …

And it totally weirded me out.

I was like … what the !!!!!

I hope no one saw me staring !!

Now … in the last six months … instead of just noticing, I’ve found myself having, well … I guess you would call it reactions to men.

No … I don’t get erections. I still have a penis, true. But it’s really teeny, tiny now … and doesn’t really do much these days but play its role of waste expungement unit.

Instead … I feel a tingling all over, sensations and an aching for reception in the region of my pelvis that just doesn’t have the right receptor equipment yet.

It’s the strangest sense in the world to me … how in certain times, settings, moments … I so want to be touched.

It’s a totally different arousal experience than it was when I was boy.

Different, but equally pleasurable.

But why ??

Why in the world has it changed for me ??

Well, I suppose one could suggest that I always like boys, but suffered from extreme homophobia or denial or something … to such an extent that sexual attraction to men was totally suppressed.

But … I honestly don’t think that was the case.

The thought of boy-boy sex has just never done a thing for me. Still doesn’t. And seriously, if it did … it’d be a heckuva lot easier being gay than trans … I’d probably have jumped on that option given a choice of the two … even at a late stage of the game.

Well then … maybe it’s just the opposite thing … maybe I am a homophobe … and as I transitioned had a mental shift where instead of being dismissive of an interest in boy-boy sex … I’m now homophobic dismissive of girl-girl play.

Again … all I can say on that is it just doesn’t seem to be the case. I find myself looking at women now in a totally different way. Evaluative. Competitive, but not Attractive.

Well then maybe the hormones have had an impact.

I suppose that’s a possibility.

I mean … let’s think about it … the anti-androgens have knocked the krap out of my testosterone levels … maybe that has created a new, submissive me.

But seems to me I could be submissive to women just as well as I could be to men if that was the case …

And honestly, I am finding myself an interesting combination of submissive and aggressive these days.

So I really don’t think that’s the case.

Well then … what the heck is it?

As I said before, I honestly don’t know.

Obvious, huh? 😛

Though I am sorta working out an idea at some level …

Try this one on for size …

My brain was programmed during its formative days in the womb which created this mess … to simply be …

Heterosexual.

Which is why … when I was consciously aware of my maleness, my brain found vaginas attractive.

But now as my brain has become more and more of the mindset it is soon going to have a vagina to operate …

It’s finding penises more and more attractive.

Maybe my brain is simply programmed to find the opposite piece of sexual equipment arousing.

So when before, despite having a functioning penis and finding vaginas attractive …

My brain also thought of itself as being female, and expected to be in the female role during an intimate encounter … receiving in the vaginal way …

And when it found itself having to penetrate in a penal way …

It simply started to overload and shutdown.

And now … as my brain is finding itself anticipating the arrival of a vagina to match its inherent expectations …

It is wanting to engage … enjoy … pleasure.

Hence the cravings for penetration in a vagina I don’t yet have,

And a desire to seek interim limited pleasure of men despite knowing the risk involved.

On the other hand, maybe it’s just a passing thing …

Maybe I’m finding men attractive just because it’s different than what I’ve done in the past,

Maybe I just like the attention I get from then,

Maybe it’s just a phase feeding my risk rush … the thrill I continue to get from descrete psuedo-intimate moments in quasi-public places.

I just don’t know … but for now … these are my answers.

Oh yeah … I almost forgot …

One day a lion was walking around the jungle sad and lonely, when he spotted a monkey up in a tree. He yelled up to the monkey to come down and play, but the monkey was too scared. So the lion asked the monkey what he could do to make him feel comfortable enough to come down.

The monkey said, “If you tie yourself up I