Editor’s Note: This is a post I wrote Wednesday morning about 10:00 am, with the exception of one small edit which I made Thursday morning (noted below).
I’m not writing this post to elicit any comments, criticisms, or support …
Of me or others.
In fact, I’m not sure I’ll ever publish this post.
But for the time being at least,
I hate Wednesdays now …
For obvious reasons.
On one hand,
I don’t want to find something new to do on Wednesday nights …
Because that makes me feel weak,
Not strong enough to endure what I’m feeling from being ostracized …
Deemed radioactive. (Editor’s Note: This is the line I added Thursday morning. It’ll make more sense later … promise ! 🙂)
But at the same time,
I’m still sort of in the habit of expecting to do just that …
Seeing them and hanging out.
Already twice today I found myself planning things I have to get done …
And thinking I have to take care of them before 5:00 pm,
Because I have the tailgate tonight.
I know such a thought process,
Will diminish in time.
But in the meantime,
It’s still …
Because for now,
The habit of expecting to have plans for Wednesday night …
Is reminding me that for some …
Denying I am a friend,
Is preferable to me being their friend.
If you want to bet on a sure thing,
Put your money on me seeking validation tonight.
Editor’s Note: You would of won the bet. 🙂
Editor’s Self-Analysis: You know, I take a fair amout of flack because of my validation activities, my solo excursions to find social activity. Besides concerns for my safety, I think people take issue with them at times because they tend to be reactionary … my response to difficult situations I encounter during my transition.
Now I admit, when I find my being challenged, denigrated by others whose opinion of me means something to me, I often seek positive feedback from total strangers … to make up for the assault.
I can’t force anyone to like me. And if someone chooses not to, that’s their choice. But oftentimes, I can find people that do like me, if they aren’t distracted by my history. People I don’t make feel uncomfortable with my presence, but who in fact enjoy my company.
It’s unfortunate sometimes it has to come from strangers, but if it does, it does. Never underestimate the kindness of strangers.
Editor’s Clarification: Contrary to speculation, validating does not mean tramping. It’s not about finding a guy and making out. It’s about going out and finding someone to talk with me who isn’t bothered that I’m a woman, but appreciates it. Most of the time it’s nothing more than just drinks, talking and maybe some dancing. Sometimes it’s more, but remember …
I’m a tease, not a tramp. And my mom and dad read this junk … so I’m not about to tell everything !! 🙂