10 Rungs
It’s the nature of my personality to be a generally optimistic person …
On a 10 rung ladder of life happiness,
I’m usually operating on probably the 8th rung.
But the past two weeks have been the toughest to date so far in my transition,
And by last night …
My legs were dangling freely as I struggled to hang on to the 2nd rung.
How did I find myelf in such desperate straits?
Well, it started two weeks ago …
Nothing too serious at first,
Just the overwhelming sense of too much to do combined with lots of demands.
But as the week progressed, I was finding myself wearing down …
Despite resolve,
My grip to the 8th rung loosened just enough that I slipped …
And as I tried to grab onto the 7th rung,
My chin slammed into the ladder,
Cutting me and causing me to fall one more rung before regaining a hold …
So suddenly as that week closed,
I was two rungs below normal.
But that’s not bad …
I had a lot going on …
I was talking tough talk again with people, I was letting them down, I was forcing the reality of my life back into theirs …
And living the disappointment and pain they were feeling.
So hey, being on the 6th rung,
I didn’t think was all that bad.
But instead of being able to revitalize and regain my rightful position on the ladder of life happiness over the weekend,
I found myself being challenged even more.
So on Monday of last week …
I was starting out already behind the game.
And last week gave me no breaks.
Tougher talks, good talks, useful talks …
With many.
But each talked drained me.
Each person in my life that hurts because of my change,
Deals only with their hurt.
I on the other hand …
Carry the cumulative hurt of all of them.
And some of the ways they handle their hurt …
Good and useful for them,
Weigh even more on me.
Looking in their eyes,
Hearing their words,
Hurts.
So by Wednesday,
I had fallen two more rungs.
Hanging onto rung 4,
But at least my feet were still secured by the first rung. 🙂
It was probably at this point,
That I first started asking for help.
“Hey, can someone give me a hand here. I seem to be slipping.”
But,
I didn’t say it that way.
I don’t like asking for help,
I rarely do it,
And I’m really not well versed in the ways of asking for such.
I hate feeling like I’m inconveniencing any of my friends and family with something as selfish as me.
So I did my subtle little indicators for a need of help.
In reponse to queries of my state,
Instead of “great“,
It was “I’m having a really tough time“,
Or “I’m struggling.”
My mood indicator here was set a bit more dismal,
And I started doing little inquiries of others,
Trying to get the feel if they had some time for me.
Now I’m totally convinced that for the most part,
All I had to do was ask, clearly …
And any of my family and friends would have been responsive.
But part of my problem was that,
I really didn’t know what type of assistance I needed.
Everything I was doing,
I had to do on my own.
I really didn’t want to talk about my transsexualism or what I was going through at all …
That was sort of the cause of the moodage in the first place.
So it was more like I just needed someone there …
To do nothing.
While I silently gained some strength from them …
For myself,
To climb back up the ladder.
But every such subtle inquiry revealed what I already knew,
Everyone was too busy …
In their own lives,
For me to ask of them their time,
To do nothing.
Besides,
I was only on the 4th rung,
I wasn’t that off from things.
Nbd.
But my week didn’t improve,
And suddenly,
Friday night,
When it was too late for me to ask bluntly for help,
I found myself two rungs lower.
Holding on to rung 2,
With everything I had.
In the dark,
Shaking,
Sleepless.
And by Saturday night,
My arms were …
Trembling …
From hanging on at such a low level.
Now to this day,
I’ve never felt or feared I would fall,
Though I can say …
When you’re dangling from the 2nd rung,
Feet flailing in the air,
It’s still scary !
But,
Drawing on reserves and determination,
Throughout all of this,
I’ve done everything I’ve planned on doing the past two weeks.
Blunt, detailed talks with my parents,
Blunt, detailed talk with my brother,
Blunt, detailed talks with other friends,
Decisions made with regard to implementation.
Steps requiring action, being acted upon.
And I’ve managed to pull myself back up two rungs of the ladder.
I’m on rung 4 right now.
Not where I want to be.
But at least I’ve got a place to secure my feet,
And I’m going in a positive direction.
Your site is realy very interesting.
A, in case my humor didn’t work, I want you to know that we are trying to steady the ladder for you. Not all the jokes fly when you work the cutting edge.
Careful A, don’t step on my fingers. It’s not easy spotting this damn ladder.
I can only tank my bowling average so much…so as to keep you in a positive “frame” of mind. I bowled a 96 last week…”for Christ’s sake”. So smile DAMMIT!!! Feeling better now??? Hopefully!
Hi Amy, I recently found your site and just love your manor and panache.
Falling down that many rungs in such a short time must be a scarey feeling. Keep in mind there are many who don’t know you that are thinking “go girl” with every step up as well as down….. I know, I
(for those not in the know, forgive me for what I’m about to say!)
Aims – you know there is only one way to get to the next rung….it’s the secret code word of happiness….come on….say it
-turd-
ahhh…don’t you feel a little better already?
-debbie
(seriously, amy, sorry for your bummin’ – hope you’re feeling better)
Hey Marcia … I tried e-mailing you a reply … I had a totally smart aleck funny response to your Coach purse e-mail … but it keeps getting bounced. E-mail me a good e-mail address or should I use that one I used that one time …
I had a counselor tell me this pithy little piece of advice . . .
“The best way out (or up in your case), is through.”
Keep working on what needs to get done. Each of the steps you took is one step you won’t have to take again and you’ll gradually gain the high ground again!
Marcia
I had a counselor tell me this pithy little piece of advice . . .
“The best way out (or up in your case), is through.”
Keep working on what needs to get done. Each of the steps you took is one step you won’t have to take again and you’ll gradually gain the high ground again!
Marcia
xpect a call…
M
Hmmmm … nopers … none of those fun things … that’d be way too easy.
This … well,
You’ll see … or hear … or read. Whatever.
You know what I mean. 🙂
Thanks iMom … I’ll contact ya to arrange a talking to … I know I need one !! 🙂
Ya better spill the beans…a good theory would go a LONG way towards explaing your (and my)emotional state right now…
Planet alignment?
An asteroid?
The moons cycle?
Estrogen cycle?
🙂
M
Well, before you even think of pulling the plug … we have our whole Chicago drunk fest to address. 🙂
Besides, I’m working on a theory here …
Cheers…
As my brother said (as he tried to cheer me up). “Give it a week. If it doesn’t get any better, you can always pull the plug then”.
M
Hmmmmm … must have been something in the air … I got your call when I was in the middle of having a conversation about “things” with my Bro … by the time I finished … I was just going through the motions of getting home. Sorry I didn’t call you back. 🙁
I’ll drink to that !! 🙂
Hey Amy…you should return calls…:-).
Maybe you weren’t up to talking or not, but I sure needed to talk…
My Saturday was the worst THE WORST in a very very long time. I have never felt so alone in my life. Never. I called my shrink, my therapist, and got their answering machines. I finally called my oldest brother who came running and stayd with me all afternoon.
I was seriously ready to call it quits.
I’m sorry you’re feeing the downward pressure. It hurts and well…it just hurts…
Here’s to looking at things ahead of us rather then behind.
Makenna
Write me when you need to talk. We’ll arrange a phone thingy. Really.
I don’t want you to have to get down that low again. I’ve been through a lot, and I’m willing to share what I know, and to share a shoulder, an ear, whatever you need.
Hugz, my little one. People really do care for you out here.
iMom
Yeah … they’ll be fine, I know that !! Knowing helps make this bearable 🙂
And I’m good now too, I wasn’t about to publish this post until I was, but still … the past two weeks have been quite the experience.
Thanks Yodette. 🙂 And I’m sorry about your light saber, I really am, I’ll build you a new one ! A lime green one ! 🙂
There’s only so much anyone can do. Do your best. It’s all you can do. From the tone of what your friends have written, they’ll be OK.
I’m there for you in the Force. When you need someone to help, to do nothing, trust me, I can handle it. 😉