Destination Amyville
It’s interesting … the emotions and cycles that you go through in this journey of realization and self-acceptance …
I remember to this day where I was when I accepted that I was a transsexual … October 2000 (sorry, I can’t remember the day, just the where 🙂 ).
And over the succeeding years … I’ve been struggling to figure out what I was going to do about it.
But I’ll never forget that feeling of acceptance. It was a good feeling, a liberating feeling, it was an answer, it was me accepting me. 🙂
Well today, something happened …
At the time I didn’t grant it epiphany status … though as this day has progressed, the possibility of such seems to be increasing …
I don’t know if it had anything to do with my puppy passing, I honestly don’t think so, but the timing calls into question any claims of coincidence.
Actually, what it was …
I think …
Was the culmination of an independent thought of my own, corroborated with timely observations on the same day by Shaft and Lisa (record-holder for the longest comment I’ve ever received), and my absorbtion of a great analysis of being, nature and me by Yodette (record-holder for the longest e-mail I’ve ever received.)
And you know what I accepted today?
Something so basic and so simple, you’d have thought it would have registered by now …
But it didn’t.
I’m a girl.
That’s it. Nothing more than that.
I’m a girl.
I don’t know why it’s taken so long for me to accept … I suspect it might be part of a residual chauvanism that caused an embarassment about “being a girl” … though that might be enhanced by the “why would you ever want to live a life as a woman” attitude I’ve received from some … and hey, let’s not forget a dash of the “what in the world are you thinking?” look of disgust offered yet by others … or heck, maybe it’s just part of the whole second puberty thing … and this development and pride in oneself is no different than every teenage girl experiences at some point …
Who knows.
All I know is that today …
I accepted it.
And have found myself fortified with added determination …
As a result.
So cool !! 🙂
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🙂
Amy,
I’m soooo happy in some small way I’ve helped you realize the real you. It is so important for our continued move to being more healthy.
I know the moment, but not the time, when I accepted that I had to become the real me.
I was about 26, and finally asked myself where I saw myself when I was old. I looked at Option 1, doing nothing, and ending up an old man. I just couldn’t see this as being reality. Option 2 was to become the girl I was on the inside on the outside, which meant that old person in the picture was Lisa, not *boyname*. Granted, an old, but fabulous looking woman. Mainly fabulous because it was the real person I was.
That was when I realized I had to do whatever it took to bring out the girl that had to hide those 23 years. I had new resolve. I had a destination, now I just had to find the map. That’s much easier for you now than it was back then. You have much more of a MapQuest for T’s. 😉
Now, for you, the decisions to move forward, to do what you must to fully become Amy will be much easier to make. They may still involve pain and hard work and hardship, but they’ll be worth it to you to get to the destination, Amyville.
Big Hugz!!!!
Lisa
Congrats! Been wondering how long it would take you to realize. The best thing about accepting it is the sense of inner peace.
War’s over. Raise a glass. Here’s to peace of the spirit!