Loneliness. It seems to me
Loneliness. It seems to me that loneliness is an inherent condition for those that suffer from untreated transsexualism ….. it seems to me that loneliness remains an inherent condition for those that are in the process of having their transsexualism treated …… I have no clue as to whether loneliness is an inherent condition for those that have survived transsexualism (not there yet myself :)) ….. but I’m hopeful that if I survive transsexualism, then if I’m lonely, it’s for reasons completely distinct from my transsexualism !! I have a lot of acquaintances …. tons actually …. this is not being said for any purpose other than insight into me (and as I’ve mentioned before, my own insight into me …. you’re just along for the ride 😉 ) ….. as someone who has lived with transsexualism my entire life, denied it feverishly and avoided the impact it had on my life zealously …. I have become well-skilled at being the person I’m “expected” to be ….. I can read situations incredibly well … I can read people …. I know what they want me to say … and I can rely on instinct developed from years of experience to determine just the right thing to say at any given moment …. as such, I am usually well-liked and generally considered fun to have around …. why not?? I stroke people’s ego with the best of them in a non-blatant way ….. how ??? ….. I get them to talk about themselves …. and when they are talking about themselves …. find out what they like, what they expect ….. I gather information ……. I appear to be interested ……. people love talking about themselves …… and by letting them talk about themselves ….. I become liked (or at least not disliked) ……… and I acquire lots of acquaintances …..
Wait a minute ….. back up …… didn’t I say most people like talking about themselves ????? …… yes, I did …. most people do ….. but transsexuals in denial don’t …… they don’t want people to get to know them, they don’t want people to listen to them really talk, other than superficial, cocktail (gawd, I love that word) party conversation, because if they do ….. heaven forbid …… they might figure out the deep, dark secret !!!! While in denial ….. I was incredibly lonely ….
Even with tons of acquaintances, in my day to day, face to face interactions with people …… there are ten people that would miss me if I was gone. Of those ten people, other than Shaft, who visits this site on occasion, none know any of the things I have revealed about myself on this site (except that I’m a transsexual) …… no one knows me …. the me that I really am ….. the me that I am becoming …… the me that goes home to no one …….. the me that really can’t talk to anyone other than myself or this blog ….. I am still incredibly lonely ……
But you know what?? It’s a different kind of lonely …… before I wanted to be lonely, I chose to be lonely, so that no one could figure out my deep, dark secret …… now, I’m mainly lonely because of circumstance, because though I know who I am, though I’m more comfortable being me, the circumstances aren’t right yet for me not to be lonely …. lots of people are lonely because of circumstance … that’s just life ….. kewl …… I’m like a lot of non-transsexual people in that sense ….. I’m making progress …. 🙂