Working From Home
It’s really hard for me to go into the office now.
Very difficult.
And when I go into the office …
It creates an extreme stress situation for me.
Now generally speaking,
I feel very little stress just being out and about as myself.
(Actually, it probably wouldn’t hurt me to feel a bit more stress about being out and about than I really do. :))
Not to mention,
It’s not like I feel unwelcomed in my offices …
I’ve been treated very well by the others there.
But nonetheless,
Going into my office,
Is just so phreaking hard.
The previous two weeks were not good for me …
I was in discomfort from the breast surgery,
I had some post-op blues,
And I had a ton of emotions that I was attempting to monitor and maintain while I was experiencing, as Caitlin would say …
The snowball of transition accelerating its roll down the hill in a seemingly out of control fashion and being along just for the ride.
Yeah … a lot of stuff has been happening in my life the past two weeks !! 🙂
I feel like the ball in a pin ball machine bouncing all over the place,
Yet all that was easily within my ability to handle.
So last Friday,
When I found myself giving away two Van Halen tickets to Sister and Miss Daisy,
Despite the phact that I really did want to go to the concert as part of my Reliving The 80’s tour …
I knew that the stress exhaustion I was experiencing was much more than just the normal angst related feelings one must deal with during transition.
And I suspected I knew what was the cause …
Going into the office as me.
And while being me is nice and easy,
Going into the office as me …
Was an added level of stress because …
I’m still not “out” at work or life in general.
Despite the fact that it’s been like three weeks since I’ve last done the boy thing …
And have absolutely no desire not interest in doing it again period,
I’ve still got a few situations and matters where I may need to do boy,
And still have people that I need to tell,
Family, friends and others.
So going into the office was becoming an increasing risk factor for me.
Not good.
And I don’t mean because of the increasing risk factor,
But because of what it was doing to me …
‘Cause face it kids,
Anyone transitioning has enough stress in their life,
I don’t need to voluntarily put myself into situations where I’m creating even more stress for myself.
So after coming to this realization over the weekend,
I found myself with a couple of options:
1.) The obvious one that most of you are probably screaming at me by now … Just Do It … out myself to all and let the cards fall where they will.
Yeah, I understand … that is an attractive option. And at this point in my life, it’d be sorta like the “just rip the bandage off” approach, it’d hurt for a brief bit and then the pain would probably be over. But working for oneself, running one’s own business for the most part … is different than if I worked for someone else. I have what I perceive as additional responsibilities and demands … which is why for the most part I’ve implemented a rather complicated, step-by-step transition plan. In doing so, I’ve been able to meet those additional responsibilities and demands thus far and will continue to be able to do so. And tossing that to the side when I’m so close, after coming so far, makes this a less attractive option for me.
2. Stop going into the office.
Well … as we found out when I first started living life as me in all places but work, through the joys of technology … I can do an awful amount of work from my home office and there is really little difference between me working in the office or working at home.
Oh, except for the fact I don’t have to worry about salesmen, private investigators, long forgotten clients, not long forgotten clients, friends and all sorts of other similar encounters with people that I don’t want to encounter just yet that seem to happen unexpectedly and randomly when I am in the office.
So I chose the second option.
And with some great cooperation from Shaft and OBP covering some court appearances for me …
I have been able to work from home all week and …
Much more productively than I had been the past few weeks,
Monday and Tuesday both found me having extremely good work days ! Yeah savings account !! 🙂
I don’t know how long I’ll continue doing such …
Of course, I’ll have to go into work sometimes during the day,
And I have been going in at night to take care of mail and paperwork,
But for now …
It’s an approach that has certainly improved my attitude and spirits. 🙂
“…giving away two Van Halen tickets …”
You WHAT?
Amy,
If I looked as beautiful as you…………look out world!
There are times when the kindest gift is a kick on the rump. 😉
Lots of great advice! I’m ready to put “Amy” on the door to her office but I don’t walk in her stylish, well-chosen foot wear. (That wouldn’t be a pretty sight, btw). I’m extremely hopeful that the time will come when Amy wants to be a regular in the office, as Amy, but I’m also respectful of feelings or anxiety that I might not understand. Until the day comes, we will make it work.
Dang! I knew I shoulda copyrighted that Tits and Torts phrase. Can I still receive some shamelessly large royalties?
hey, so, weren’t we, like, um, talking about this, oh, say, 10 months ago? hrm, i didn’t understand the hesitation then and i certainly don’t get it now…
i’ve seen a lot of ts women consciously or subconsciously prolong transition because they’re afraid of becoming ordinary. it’s kinda like spiderman throwing his spidey suit in the trashcan… but in our case, the monkey suit is not just a means of being special, but it’s also a crutch.
and some people are so focused on and put so much mental energy into transitioning, that they don’t figure out who they are as a woman. and without this self-assurance, it’s hard to move forward and not be a “transsexual”. i certainly wouldn’t think this is you, aims.
..claire
Not my business but it is time. Each moment you delay you increase the chances of an uncomfortable situation arising that demands you appear in court and you are now past appearring as a guy. At best you can be a girl in a guy suit. That is not in your best interest, your firms or your clients.
I’m sorry kiddo I know a bunch of people in the legal profession are egotistic arrogant homophobic, transphobic pricks, but some of them are reasonably intelligent, moderately open minded and even occassionally kind.
You have jumped off the cliff and are now ignoring the fact that the bottom is approaching at an ever accelerating rate.
Hope this didn’t offend but this is just a situation where delay seems a bit frightening to me.
You want to be a closet lawyer that is cool but you need to take up a desk job with a trust and estate firm.
I’ve been wrong before but this path appears to me to be a train rail missing waiting for a train.
P.S. I know it is all none of my business and the advice is only worth what you paid for it.
Hoping the best for you
Amy II
(addendum: not that i don’t know fear. i don’t mean to imply some special courage on my own part.
sorry for the excess comment.)
well, my feelings on shame are well-recorded by now. and it is my honest experience – but only my experience, obviously – that the embarassment and fear dissipate quickly in the light of active reality.
Embarassment, fear and shame tend to linger. Takes a while to work past them.
you know, i just don’t get it. i mean, certainly you must make your choices as best fits your needs, but i don’t really understand what you’re responding to, that has you so awkwardly frozen. you’ve played it by the book. you’ve acquired all the outward features that i probably won’t for several years yet. you’ve been cautious, and rational, and well-protected on all sides.
and you’re done. really. you *have transitioned*. there is no possible prevarication now, no meaningful half-measure left.
you’re far too smart to be brought up short by unfocused angst, far too well-directed to allow yourself to be misdirected by phantoms.
so what’s going on, really? as i said, i completely understand that you do as you choose and as you think you must… but i just don’t get it.
“TRY NOT, DO! OR DO NOT, THERE IS NO TRY!” -Yoda
I’ve seen this posted periodically on your site.
As a curious neighbor, and a “no-longer-a-fellow,” but still a “fellow transitioner,” I sometimes drop in to see how things are here in Amy-land.
When I heard of your remarkable journey, I felt it was a cordial, sisterly gesture to reach out to you, say hello, and offer whatever insight I could provide. Compare notes, as it were. After all, we have the same hairdresser.
He provided with access to your site, and I was able to delve into your well-documented transition where even some of the most intimate details are posted. I blush even thinking of a few.
And while the process by which your journey has unfolded is quite unlike mine, I am nonetheless concerned for you (or any of our sisters who, in the midst of transition).
And, I hope I don’t sound impertinent if I say that I know something about what it means to be a woman. I know that a woman is far more than my education or my career or where I live. It’s more than my parents, my parent’s parents and the people I know. It’s more than what I say or write.
It’s more than the makeup, the clothes and the way I comb my hair. It’s more than the surgeries I’ve had.
It took a while for me to become aware that there is no panacea for nature’s cruelest mistake.
I would by no means consider myself an expert. What I learned in time is that being a woman is something that comes from the inside out — not from the outside in. It radiates from deep inside — an inner self and confidence that can only come from living the life of a woman. There are no easy, quick or even correct answers. In my experience, I’ve found that the life of a women is a slightly different truth than that of a man. What is both critical to the process is an exercise of the truth of the life you believe to be yours. Unless you do it – it won’t work.
I am glad to meet with you anytime and talk or have coffee. I live just down the street. I’m always happy to help a sister ‘out'(pun intended).
You can only postpone the inevitable for a little while. It appears as if that time has expired. The real test must begin.
“Do or do not.”
Take care,
delia
Thanks iMom ! 🙂
Yeah … I like the Tits & Torts catch-phrase too !! 🙂 And I do want a Hooter’s tee ! 🙂
Hey there Amy – I can understand the angst you feel and certainly when one works for oneself, matters can become quite complicated. Believe me, I work for myself and I know for a fact that my appearance is causing some……well….confusion. You could say to hell with it and let the cards fall where they will, at the end of the day – Amy knows what’s best for Amy, even if it’s not pleasant – you’ll be a okay babe…..no worries….with major boobage like yours, your female clientele might drop off a little but your male clientele will prolly more than double……I think Danna’s catch phrase says it all “Tits & Torts”…and if that don’t bag them….nothing will
cl
You are wise, Padawan.
You have learned many ways of The Force.
But, most of all, you have learned patience, the hardest of all to learn. It will serve you well!
Your choices are difficult, but probably the right ones for you. You just want to get on with life, but you have obligations that will stall that total changeover for a little bit, and you have found you can endure them. That’s the adult thing to do. Very impressive.
Hugzz as usual for doing such a fine job with your life.