UnUsual No More

Summer break ended Wednesday night …

And another bowling season began,

Season Number 7.

Woooo hoooo !!! 🙂

Sweet !!!

I was so looking forward to just hanging out with my friends again !

But,

Despite the fact that in some people’s opinion …

My transitioning is the ultimate in selfish acts,

I have never forgotten …

And keep at the forefront of my mind,

The impact my transition has and can have on others.

So when it became clear earlier in the week …

That dealing with the reactions of other people in the league …

On Wednesday bowling night,

When I showed up chica,

Would make some of my Wednesday night peeps uncomfortable,

I relunctantly accepted that …

My years as an UnUsual Suspect had come to an end.

Even though I was well aware this would happen …

I had been fighting it.

Trying to figure out a way so that this part of my life could be preserved.

And as recently as Tuesday …

I thought I had.

I was planning on taking care of a few lingering talks with some on Tuesday and Wednesday,

Show up for the Wednesday night tailgate,

Then go bowling …

Deal with it, and

Just hang out with my friends,

Because it’s not about the bowling ! 🙂

However,

The “deal with it” part became the hang-up.

“Dealing with it” meant how would we handle the questions, observations or comments of the people we intereact with there over the disappearance of Joe and appearance of Amy.

This is an established group of bowlers and drinkers …

Very little changes from year to year …

So when someone new comes in,

Or someone old doesn’t return …

People notice.

Over the summer,

We had been discussing how “deal with it” should be implemented.

One way was …

To just introduce me as someone completely new …

Joe’s sister, cousin or just another friend,

And if suspected, asked or confronted …

Deny I was Joe unless and until presented with clear and convicing otherwise.

The benefit to this approach was that if successful,

None of us would have to deal with the transsexual issue then.

Well,

Let’s be real …

It was really so my friends wouldn’t have to deal with my transsexual issue,

Because I have to deal with it every day in so many things I do …

As having to address this particular issue exemplifies. 🙂

Yet knowing what it’s like having to address the issue in so many different settings …

Means I will go to great lengths to prevent or minimize my friends and family from having to do likewise.

Which is why the “introduce me as someone completely new” approach was even being considered,

But I think there was a serious downside to this option.

Principally,

I think implementation would be incredibly difficult.

There is way too much of a “recognition by association” risk.

For 6 years,

Despite others having come and go …

It has always been …

Singer, Hottie and me.

And I think if suddenly …

We say that the blonde with similar hair to Joe,

Who looks similar to Joe,

Drinks the same beer as Joe,

Has the same dorked up bowling style as Joe,

And the same faded scar across her forehead as Joe …

With who knows what other little physical identifiers some have recognized on me …

The approach would be identified as a falsehood rather quickly.

Now granted,

In settings where people don’t expect to see Joe,

Or don’t expect to see Joe with the people I’m with …

There’s very little risk of recognition by people who know me as who I used to be.

But in this setting,

The people are nosy and inquisitive …

I don’t think we could fool them for long.

Not to mention,

There’s always the possibility one of us might screw up and inadvertently say something to confirm my past.

And once it’s figured out …

The first denial and deception would make dealing with it afterwards worse …

As if I was embarassed by or deceitful about my life.

The other “deal with it” option was simply,

To tell the truth when asked or recognized.

This is me now,

I used to be Joe, and …

I had a heck of an interesting summer. 😉

Some people would be fine with it,

And some wouldn’t be …

Just like life elsewhere.

Which is what creates the big disadvantage with this approach …

I’d be putting my friends in a situation where they have to deal with people that are not fine with it.

Now honestly …

It was my plan to do as I do …

And when recognized or asked,

Just tell the truth.

I’m not a good liar,

And with my past,

Lying is just taking me back to where I was before I transitioned …

Having to be super-phreaking concerned with everything I say,

Everything I do,

Lest someone figure out I’m transsexual.

Now I am certainly not an in your face transsexual …

I don’t have the self-confidence for that opportunity.

Yet, though I have gone to great lengths to just blend in …

I don’t deny my past.

There are too many great memories for me to ever want to pretend like they never happened,

And too many people I know from my past,

Who might not have a problem with me when they find out,

That I would miss out on having the chance to associate with them …

If I never let them know that they already know me when they suspect they do.

However, some definitely thought the “introduce me as someone completely new” approach was the way to go …

And that my “tell them the truth if asked” preference would make them uncomfortable.

Now this is a credit to and example of what great friendships are made of …

The ability to openly and rationally express opinions and feelings without it being a reflection on the friendship …

And to recognize differences of opinions.

At no point was it ever suggested that if I didn’t agree to the “introduce me as someone completely new” approach …

I wouldn’t welcomed to hang out anymore on Wednesday night.

And at no point did I ever say,

If I can’t tell the truth when asked,

I don’t want to hang out anymore on Wednesday night.

I think the positives and negatives of both choices were recognized by all,

And if anything lead to an impasse of sort …

Where a decision had to be made,

But no one really wanted to make the decision.

Ultimately though,

It was my decision.

And I needed to hear that my presence was wanted and others there who would have issue with me would not ruin our UnUsual fun.

However, I never heard that,

And I appreciate the honesty in our discussions.

So the rationale that went through my mind was this:

In both approaches …

I was going to be uncomfortable,

‘Cause trust me …

Even though numbed to a degree from the scars of Disclosure …

Telling the truth of one’s function still sucks.

Now,

With my “just tell the truth” approach,

Others would clearly be uncomfortable …

I was told such.

But in the “introduce me as someone completely new” approach …

Only I would really be uncomfortable.

Since if it was successful …

My peeps wouldn’t have to deal with my reactions of others,

While I would just have to deal with perpectuating a myth about me again,

Which is uncomfortable only for me.

Then once the falsehood was figured out …

And it would be,

The lie would more be a sour reflection of me than of anyone else,

So again the discomfort would be mine alone.

And with that figured out,

Well …

I knew I really couldn’t go into a setting where I know lying about who I am would be quickly figured out,

And anyone that has half an understanding or appreciation of the importance I place on my family and friends …

Knows that I try hard not to do things to make them uncomfortable when I can avoid it,

So my decision was obvious.

It’s not like the old days with us …

When we could go out several nights of the week,

And afford having one night of uncomfortability,

Because we could more than make up for it on other nights.

Now …

Between work,

Family commitments,

Life responsibilities, and

Children …

Getting our one night a week in is more than a challenge,

And I am not going to be the person to make my friends one night of weekly fun uncomfortable.

So Tuesday afternoon during the telephone conversation where others’ position on the topic were being reiterated to me,

I muttered the words I had been trying to avoid …

“Just count me out.”

And the quick responsive “ok” confirmed …

The End of An Era.

Now …

I know,

Some may say that I’m being extreme with this post,

That things may change, and

Other opportunities to congregate will present themselves.

But that is not the case.

True,

Things may change,

But change is never easy.

Once events are set in motion …

They will follow the path of least resistance.

The path of least resistance is the status quo,

And …

The status quo is now one where I’ve been replaced.

There is a new group on Wednesday night …

Where I’m not included,

Where common memories and experiences are being created to which I cannot share,

Which solidifies that collection of people as the status quo even more.

Besides,

Nothing will change anytime soon that would make my presence at that venue less uncomfortable for others.

And it’s not like I didn’t know I would hate this decision before finding myself having to make it …

And feel as empty as I do as a result.

That’s why I was trying to figure out how to avoid making this one,

But the only real solution would of been us bowling and hanging out someplace new …

And once it was decided the same old place was going to be the call …

Nothing I could do would make things more comfortable for others …

While keeping me included.

I made the decision knowing what it would do to me …

But this time …

I made this decision for others,

Not me.

And as far as other opportunities to congretate presenting themselves …

Oh sure,

I’m not saying they won’t.

Of course they will …

And there are certainly more episodes of our collective adventures to be written,

But their frequency will diminish substantially.

98.2% of the time we hung out …

In spring, summer, fall or winter,

It was on Wednesday night.

And now with Wednesday nights being out of the question,

Future adventures will be like the occasional reunion show.

And suggesting otherwise,

Well …

That’s just nice, denial talk void of any recognition of reality.

Even the possibility of hanging out with them every now and then on Wednesday night …

Subbing, if you will, when one of the now regulars can’t make it,

Isn’t a possibility,

As others uncomfortability and the related issues …

Are there if I show up every week,

Or just occasionally.

I’m terribly sad about losing the opportunity to spend time with this amazing group of people,

Because in some respects I’m finally coming into my own,

And these dear friends who stuck with me through the tough times …

Don’t get the benefit of enjoying the new, improved company of me in these better times.

Hanging out with one another weekly would have given them that opportunity.

And without such a chance for regular, frequent exposure to the new me,

In some ways forever,

I’ll always be their friend Joe who had a sex change,

Not their friend Amy.

That’s an opportunity I certainly regret not having.

But dwelling on my loss does not give proper respect to all the great times and memories we had …

Each of them individually,

And the collection of them as a group,

Have been critical to the success of my transition.

Miss Daisy’s practical advice and willingness to be my safe date when I needed one;

Sister’s understanding of what I was feeling when I couldn’t say it and providing words of positive encouragement whenever I desparately needed them;

Hottie’s ability to make me laugh when I longed for a laugh, protection of me when I needed protection, and hugs offered with the words “you’re doing good“;

Singer’s ability to always know exactly what to tell me when I needed to hear it, patience in teaching me so much that I didn’t know, and determination to make me live by getting me out, about and reintegrated back into the world; and,

The UnUsual Suspects’ support in having our own Gender Nights Out while we all got used to being around and interacting with Me 2.0.

They gave me love, understanding and confidence.

I am what I am today in large part because of these people,

And everyone that gives a rip about me is forever indebted to them.

I’ll miss our weekly adventures …

But I’ll never forget them.

So now,

For the last time …

I’m going to use our collective moniker with the present tense,

“Hey UnUsual Suspects, you rock !!!!!” 🙂

Editor’s Note: As the result of not seeing Hottie this past Wednesday night, I was unable to give him my traditional belated birthday card for his birthday …

Something historically done on the first night of bowling after summer break.

His birthday was September 5th (I think :), though honestly, I really just always made sure I brought him a birthday card the first night we were back. :))

Anyways,

He’s been looking younger and younger each time I’ve seen him the past year. A trait I attribute solely to some good, positive, healthy kharma he’s getting from hanging out with Baby Spice !! 🙂

So,

Before I forget …

Everyone please wish Hottie a belated Happy Birthday ! 🙂

Happy Belated Birthday Hottie !!!!