Novice Shopper

So last Saturday,

I was planning on going over to my mom and dad’s house …

To watch the Michigan-Notre Dame game with my dad and brother,

As we always do.

But first …

I needed a new Michigan shirt to wear for the game,

Since none of my old Michigan shirts really do the trick anymore, and …

Because if I wasn’t wearing a Michigan shirt while watching the game,

It would be bad luck,

Michigan might lose,

And I’d be to blame.

(Back off kids, I actually believe that !! :))

So a couple of weeks ago when my poor mom and sister-in-law were getting a taste of what shopping with Amy is like …

Hey, I tend to wander, what can I say

I had eyed a total Amy-style Michigan top in the juniors department at Penney’s:

Tight fitting, blue, with buttons on a v-neck so I could button the bottom two when around mom, dad and bro …

While buttoning none when around strapping anesthesiologists !! 🙂

I was sorta, kinda tight time-wise accomplishing everything I wanted before gametime …

And was moving at a brisk pace when I entered the store at the mall from the south entrance …

Where a irritatingly cute young woman was sitting at a table with these little candy bars all laid out.

“Would you like a Sweet Savings chocolate, ma’am? She asked me as I’m about to pass by.

“Gawd yes, thank you,” I replied quickly !!

Wow … no wonder women like to shop … stores give us candy !!!

I then continued on my way to the juniors department,

Until I paused in the shoe department …

To browse,

At which point I scarfed down the candy bar lickity-split.

Finally, as I was about to continue my trek,

I eyed another candy girl distributing the more candy near the east entrance.

Sweet !! 😉

So I tossed my first wrapper in the trash behind the register …

To hide any signs I already had been given a treat,

Wiped the corners of my mouth to make sure that I hadn’t any other evidence displayed, and …

Made my way in her direction.

“May I have a chocolate please?”

“Of course, take your pick.”

Wow … how kewl is that ??

Hmmm … maybe I should just blow off the game and spend the rest of the day in the store shopping and eating chocolate !!

Focus Amy, Focus.

Well, I finally did make it to the collegiate apparel I had seen a few weeks ago and noticed that the racks indicated they were on sale …

Sweet Savings 10 – 40% off.

Free chocolate bars and a sale !!!

Could things get any better ???

So, I found the top I had eyed earlier and grabbed my size (that would be a medium for anyone planning on doing some holiday shopping for me !! :))

However,

As with any trip to the mall for me …

They are rarely quick,

And I found a couple of other options that I wanted to try.

So while I finished off my second candy bar,

I selected four different tops and made my way to the fitting rooms.

After finding my original choice still the best for me,

I reassembled myself and tossed out the second wrapper in what would kind of work as a waste receptical in the fitting rooms.

Once I had returned the tops that didn’t make the cut with me,

I tried to figure out what the price was on the top I had chosen.

The sign said it was on sale …

Sweet Savings 10 – 40% off,

But I couldn’t find anything but the original price tag on the top.

Come on … this shouldn’t be that hard !!

Whatever.

I was running late and just had to get going,

So I started on a hunt for a register where I could check-out.

Unfortunately,

Each register station I found had about 8 people in line with only one person working the register.

Ahhhh yes …

That’s why I get frustrated shopping at Penney’s.

Sometimes I do find things I like there,

And the prices are very reasonable …

It’s just that the service bites.

Well,

Feeling a bit of pressure time-wise …

I ended up doing a lane-like swap thing you do in the grocery store switching between aisles in an attempt to guess which checkout will be quickest,

Except in this case,

I was walking all over the store trying to find that elusive checkout station that actually was staffed and had no one in line.

And just like happens in the grocery store …

All of the lines really move at about the same pace,

Slow.

So I made my way to the register by the south entrance where I entered and figured I’d just wait in line forever,

But not before finding another candy bar distribution hoochie and scamming another chocolate fix.

The line at the south entrance was long.

Really long.

And I was behind a family of 20 that felt the need to have each single one of them purchase one item at a time,

One person at a time.

Fifteen minutes later,

I long since finished my third candy bar,

And had folded the wrapper into the shape of a spear …

Where I reenacted the shower scene from Psycho and pretended to repeatedly stab each of the 6 people from the same family now remaining in front of me.

Come on people …

Parties your size should all check out as a single sale and split the bill later.

STAB STAB STAB

And have a gratiutity of 20% added to your bill !!

STAB

Finally,

It was my turn …

And as I laid the top on the counter,

I wadded up my paper spear and asked the delightful checkout lady to throw it away for me,

Which she did.

“Oh, this is a cute top,” she said in a chipper mood, apparently unaware that I had just given birth while waiting in line … which considering my history, was quite the challenge and took a great deal of time.

“Yes, I like it,” I answered, consciously suppressing the desire to expand my answer with a “duh“.

“And do you have your Sweet Savings coupon?” She asked.

“Pardon?”

“Your Sweet Savings coupon … it’s on the inside of the wrapper of the chocolates we’re handing out. And they are really good chocolates this year. Did you get one?”

Ohhhhhh …

I get it now !!!

This was a shopping game !!

Kind of like I guess takes place at bridal and baby showers !!

Krap … I have so much to learn.

“Ummmm, oh, I didn’t know. I don’t have one, may I run and get a piece of chocolate?”

“Oh sure, no hurry,” she said.

At which point I turned to see the woman standing behind me making stabbing motions at me with her paper spear.

I did quickly return being the proud recipient of a 30% off coupon and my fourth piece of chocolate for the day.

I paid for my purchase …

While making a bit more small talk,

“So, are you a Michigan fan?”

“I suppose, though really, I’m just getting it because I was told I had to wear a top with a block M today or the wedding was off.”

A comment which garnered a chuckle from the lady behind me who was previously stabbing me.

I then started to enjoy my chocolate as I made my way towards the exit.

I was almost at the exit door when I faintly heard …

“Ma’am, ma’am, ma’am !”

Naaw, they couldn’t be calling for me,

So I started to open the door.

“Hey, you sarcastic bitch !”

Oh, I guess it is me they want.

So I turned to see the checkout lady chasing me down …

“You forgot your purchase ma’am,” she said slowing down.

“Oh my gawd, thank you,” I said, changing my mind about the krappy service I usually identify with the store.

Which I was just about to tell the lady …

When I noticed the woman previously behind me in line assembling an M-16 out of chocolate candy wrappers and pointing it in my direction,

So I just quickly thanked her again and hurried out the door,

Acknowledging to myself that I have so much yet to learn …

I had no idea such shopping games ever existed.

What a rookie !! 🙂

Epilogue: Notre Dame eventually won the game by beating the living krap out of my lifeless Michigan team …

And since I was wearing a Michigan top and did not default on any of my other bothersome, superstituous rituals …

It wasn’t my fault.

It was because Bo Phreaking Schembechler possessed Lloyd Carr and our offense reverted to its 1970’s/1980’s form …

Four trips in the red zone, four freaking field goals … give me a break.

My poor brother had to deal with me punching him while screaming … “Oh my gawd, oh my gawd … what is this krap !!! We’ve got a qb with a solid arm and one of the best receiving corps in the country and what do we do? … Off tackle right, off tackle left, off tackle right, punt. Geezuz phreaking kripes !! It’s Bo Schembechler all over again !!” PUNCH

We totally deserved to lose, but that is not meant to imply that Notre Dame didn’t deserve to win. Notre Dame legitimately won it by outplaying us. However, even though I am acknowledging that Notre Dame was a superior team on that given day, don’t think for a second I’ve softened in my distaste them. I still hate the bastards !!

I can just hear the chants now in South Bend …

Break out the whiskey !!

We need more beer !!

Pass around the altar boys !!