Just A Post

So Thursday night my mom called and said that my brother and his family were coming over for dinner Friday night and she invited Joe to join (she didn’t say Joe specifically, it’s just that I’d still have to be Joe if I went there) …

Though it was totally contrary to how I’ve been managing my life for the past few months as I’m rarely Joe on a Friday night,

Since I had to be Joe in court all Friday afternoon …

I told her that if my day played out okay,

I’d make it.

But it was more than likely not going to work.

Anyways, I’ve been in a exceptionally good mood since figuring out my latest burden,

And Shaft and I had time to do something late Friday afternoon that we haven’t done in months …

Goof off.

We ran some downtown errands making small talk with the regulars,

We talked krap like we normally do …

We even threw some darts (Shaft won, 2 -1).

So by the time 5:30 pm rolled around,

As Shaft was heading out to a hockey game with the family (surprised?),

I decided to swing down and join mine for dinner.

My timing was impeccable …

I arrived as the dishes were being placed on the table.

It was the first time seeing my Bro and Sister-In-Law since I had a very extensive talk with them last Sunday about my imminent plans.

Nothing was mentioned, didn’t expect it to be, totally easy and comfortable conversation and time …

Plus a really, really yummy meal. 🙂

After my brother and I cleaned up the dishes and kitchen …

He and his family had to leave for some event my nephews wanted to attend at the high school …

Leaving Mom, Dad and me.

We were sitting in the living room, well actually Mom and Dad were …

I was tooling around the condo getting some practice driving my dad’s landspeeder (aka his motorized wheelchair) …

When at one point … Dad asked how my day was.

I answered him honestly …

“I had a really good day. I’ve got to figure out what I’m doing because I know I’m really going to miss the court thing.”

And that statement … my statement … with an unfortunate omission of words … without the proper clarification that I was only talking about my employment prospects … not my life in general, not my transitioning … prompted the following statements from my mom which were made at various points during the ensuing discussion:

“See, I think you you really need to realize that, that if you start living as a girl, you’re not going to be able to do that.”

I disagree, I know you’re stating your belief, but if I wanted to continue doing the court thing, I know I could. Maybe not here, maybe someplace else, but I could do it. It’s a question of choice for me … do I want to put in the time and effort I put in already as Joe, to get to the point of experience in presenting my arguments, knowing the system and building a reputation that would be required of me to start practicing in the courtroom as me? That’s the question … just because I’m a girl doesn’t mean I can’t do it … sure, it will make it more difficult at times I suspect, and being a t-girl on top of it probably doesn’t help, but if I wanted to do it … I could.

“Women are looked at and treated differently, you won’t be taken as seriously, you won’t be given the respect you get now.”

Yeah … I don’t deny that guys get presumptions that women don’t. But on the other hand … respect is earned … and in the long run, I think the respect people would have as me would be more sincere and honest, as they know the true me, as compared to the respect Joe get’s just because he’s a boy attorney. Regardless, what other people think of me, their uninformed respect, just isn’t as important to me as it once was.

“What if you’re not happy after this is done, you said your only choice would then be to kill yourself. Seems like that’s a huge risk to take for something you don’t know for a certainty will make you happy … it might be better being a less happy and not taking the risk.”

Well, first of all, I don’t ever remember saying that, but if I did, I was mistaken. If I transition and decide it was a bad decision, I can always undo it in some fashion, though my greater concern is that anyone will hold out hope that will occur, because it is very unlikely … I’m not just jumping into this … I’ve been slow, methodological and evaluative … I don’t think I’ll have an inclination to undo it. And killing myself isn’t the obvious answer. I think not transitioning makes that a more likely occurrence than transitioning anyways. But regardless … this whole talk of suicide just frustrates me in principal … I didn’t make this decision based on which one choice would be least likely to lead me to kill myself. I made the decision I made because it’s the right choice for me, it makes me happier, it makes me feel more alive and it makes me feel right. I don’t get why those positives aren’t good enough to make the decision I made, why the only reason that apparently has sanctioned approval is because “if I don’t transition, I’d kill myself” … and on top of that … now I”m getting a parallel argument that I shouldn’t transition because I might kill myself then. That’s not the reason to choose either in my mind … go with the one that would make you happier.

Oh yeah, and I’m not a scared little person … seems to me what you’re suggesting is that I should be so scared of failure that I should avoid taking the risk at all. It’s not in my nature to be risk averse, granted, I don’t take stupid risks, but I do take risks … if you don’t take a chance, you never get the opportunity to succeed.

I’d prefer to have a chance for success with the possibility for failure as opposed to no chance whatsoever of success because I was too scared I might fail.

“God does not make mistakes.”

Okay. I won’t argue with that. If that’s your belief, that’s fine. But please just apply it consistently …

If God doesn’t make mistakes, then every child born with a deformed arm, club leg, or ailment of any kind was chosen to be that way by God. Whether it is to punish the parents or to challenge the child in its life … if God makes no mistakes, then the deformity or ailment was God’s intent. So if you’re suggesting that God wanted me this way, I understand that … But if you’re then saying that maybe it was because God wanted to challenge me in this life, well then, please be consistent and maintain the same for the disabled child … nothing should be medically done for them to correct their ailments or illnesses.

Oh the other hand … if you’re saying this is all in my head, that there is nothing wrong with me, and that I’m just choosing to act/behave/respond in a manner that is completely out of character with the person you thought you knew … in effect that God did not make a mistake with me because there’s really nothing wrong with me … well. Okay. I can appreciate that conclusion more than the previous one.

Though realize what that’s saying about the person in me you thought you knew … you’re saying that I’m an insensitive, delusional, uncaring individual with no respect for the feelings of others. Totally selfish. If that’s the case, why would one give a rip about that character anyways?

“Unless you already have a man waiting for you as soon as you transition, I don’t think you should transition.”

Well, as I’ve said often, it’s not about the sex. Granted, I know my behavior calls that into question now … as I tend to have certain flirtage tendencies … but, I’m also a realist. Whether I hook up with someone in the future or not has no bearing on me choosing to do this … I think if I do hook up with someone, it’ll have a much better chance of being an open, complete and fulfilling relationship than I would have playing a boy … but still, a relationship would just be an added bonus. I don’t need a man. Besides, I’m still not sure I’d be a good wife … I might need too much Amy space. (On the other hand, as I said before … I think I’d be a great girlfriend, and I am a lot of fun in ONO settings. :))

“If you really like your job, I don’t think you should transition.”

Life is not only about work. I want a life outside of work. My past devotion to work was only because it served as a useful avoidance and denial mechanism. Sure, I like my job, but I’d prefer to have a lousy job and happy life elsewhere, than a job I liked and a meaningless, empty life elsewhere.

“I know I shouldn’t have said anything, now you’re angry with me.”

I’m not angry or mad in the least. You haven’t heard me raise my voice once, or respond to anything you’ve said in that “oh so sarcastic way” that I have within my ability ! 🙂 I’m glad we’re able to talk about it, I’m just shocked about the content of the discussion … I thought we were long beyond this sort of discussion.

“You’ve always been such a boy, aggressive, even when you were little. You always did your sports, you always played and worked hard at anything you did and you always said what was on your mind.”

I was too tired to respond to this statement. Though inside, I did mention to myself that … “obviously I didn’t share everything that was on my mind.” 🙂

“The only thing that’s changing is your name and what you wear, nothing else is changing.”

Again, I was too tired to respond to this statement also. Though my thoughts on the topic are a post in itself.

Wow … that 90 minute discussion totally caught me off guard !!

Interesting little bit of after dinner conversation, huh ? LOL

So … where do I begin ?

Well, obviously I had responses to each and every one of those statements … not some of my best, but I could have done worse.

Anyways, I really wasn’t upset about the questions, the assertions or the topics covered.

I sincerely felt that there were many positives to the conversation.

I am well aware of the hurt and anguish I’m causing my parents and brother,

And I totally respect their feelings …

Their need to vent, unleash and express their feelings to me at times.

It’s good.

But on the other hand …

Repeated discussions like that are very draining on me.

Wearing on me.

I left that night and drove home …

Somewhat surprised that the conversation didn’t evoke any emotion of out me other than pure exhaustion.

Oh yeah,

Along with a bit of melancholy over the realization that a sad Joe is stilled preferred over than a happy Amy.

Oh well.

Time will tell.

Though no wonder I’m jealous of the bastard ! 🙂