Tender Gatekeeper Moments
Last Friday I had my semi-annual check-up with my gatekeeper at the University of Michigan Comprehensive Gender Services program.
As has been mentioned before … my counselor and I never really bonded. Personally, I always sense there is an element of tension in the room … he’s contributed little, if any, to my development … and I feel like he’s condenscending in most things he says to me … even though he says it with that smile of his.
Anyways, he’s my gatekeeper and I still need to use him for my letters.
Sure, this time he acknowledged that I appear …
Happier, emotionally healthier and to be doing very well.
He even complimented me in a backhanded sort of way on my appearance …
“I wouldn’t have recognized you if I hadn’t been expecting you.”
But when I inquired how I compared in presentation to his other transsexual patients …
Things went downhill … fast !!
He firmly responded …
“That’s one of your problems, despite reinforcement, you lack confidence … I already said you looked passable.”
“Sorry doc“, yes “doc” in this instance was code for something, “that’s not what I was asking. You see a lot of transsexual patients, I was just wondering how I compare to them in my appearance and presentation … do I have a significant way to go or am I’m getting close?”
“Well, that’s another of your problems, you don’t socialize with transsexuals. If you spent more time with and around other transsexuals, you wouldn’t have to ask that question, you’d know.”
Yeah … right. Whatever.
Gawd I haven’t missed him.
I’m pretty sure I’m not his stereotypical transsexual.
First, I was about passability before visability … so before I was into actively presenting in the female role … I wanted my beard gone, my face passable, my body presentable and my voice tolerable (still have a long ways to go on the voice) … I was willing to be patient. He on the other hand, expected me to phreakin’ dress all the time it seemed, right away.
Second, I was about containment before announcement … so before I was going to be out and about … I wanted to tell my select individuals in a manner that worked with my schedule. And I’ve held to that … as I’ve made inroads on the First item, I’ve increased substantially my work in this item. He on the other hand, made me feel like I should phreakin’ tell everyone at once.
Third, I was about hanging out with people I like … so sure, I have transsexual friends, but they are friends I’d have whether or not they were transsexual … we have interests in common, they make me laugh, we mock people, we argue about the world, or they make me think … but I’m not about to socialize with others just to be in a … whine and moan, whoa is me … session. He on the other hand … felt I should attend every support group where there were so many other dysfunctions, transsexualism didn’t even crack the Top Ten.
Anyways … I’m sitting here evaluating my continued involvement with him again … if I stick things out with him, it’ll probably be two years before I can get my new vagina. And let me tell you kids … there’s no way I’ll last two years. I’m not sure I’ll make it until the end of this year.
But my first choice of surgeon definitely requires the letters … so I either need to stick it out with my current gatekeeper or find a new one and start all over … but if I start all over, I’m really not gaining too much time.
Grrrrrr …
Or I can consider a Thailand letter-free doctor.
Anyways … the Gatekeeper decided to proceed to discussing sex with me.
“So, let’s talk about sexual encounters, are you finding yourself attracted to men, women, neither or both.”
“Men.”
“Only men?”
“Yes, there seems to be enough so that I don’t expect to run out anytime soon.”
“Have you had any interactions with men then?”
“Well … I’m talking to you now.” (Yeah, okay … I certainly contribute to the tension in the room at times !! :))
“I mean men in a social setting. Have you had any physical encounters with men?”
“Zoinks … seems kinda personal. Listen, I know … any interactions with men are very, very dangerous for me right now. I’d be taking a huge risk … if a man I was with found out, it could lead to problems and threaten my safety. I’m well aware of the risk.”
“You haven’t answered the question.”
“I know.”
“You’re playing with fire.”
“I know. But I’m cautious. I never go to a place alone with a man, not even to a hallway or outside anymore, and I rarely go out alone … I almost always have friends with me. I’ve moderated my risks. I don’t mean to sound trite or anything, but seriously … I have needs. I’m finding it very hard to go years without something as simple as a kiss … or to receive a tight “I like you” hug … or to simply make someone else feel good. And now you’re telling me that I’ve got to stick it out another two years before I can have the equipment to fairly safely engage in such actions. Well … it’s just not going to happen. I’m telling you that right here and now. So you can put in your notes that you advised me of the risk … cover your butt … but nothing I’m hearing today is telling me that I’ve got another other choice than to accept the risk.”
“So you understand you’re playing with fire.”
“Yes.”
“Then, I’ll see you in six months.”
“Sure. You bet.” 😉
So with another fun session complete … I put on my raincoat, picked up my purse, turned to walk out the door … and promptly tripped and stumbled over my chair. ROFLMAO !!!
Well, at least I got one laugh out of the sessiooooon ! 🙂
Auntiesolder, I’m Tamsin, not “Tasmin” LOL.
Have we met? Maybe at Christianos Laser Clinic? Can’t think where else…Anyway, I live in Chester, NW England.
Yodette: good point about hair colour, age, build, height, etc. No, my shrink didn’t say anything about these things, but I can imagine somebody who is young and has not sustained much testosterone damage could do it much more easily than a middle-aged transitioner. I don’t think it’s impossible, but for some people it seems unreasonably hard to expect them to dress before giving them any treatment to change their physical features.
My theory is this: if you look feminine without any make-up, but just naturally due to hormones and other things (FFS), then you will find it much easier to pass than somebody who has to go to great lengths to offset their masculine vestiges.
BTW, I think the NHS is great, but honestly it needs to move with the times with regard to TS issues. I think it’s plain silly when you get therapists who tell you not to bother with FSS, but just use hairstyle and make-up.
That’s what I love up your posts Geoffrey !! Great displays of common sense !! Thank gawd for Podunk, Maine !
Someday what you said will totally be the case … it’s getting there … but it’s just not there quite yet.
No apologies necessary. What the heck do I know about TS, other than the porn spam I get. I’m from podunk Maine.
I didn’t realize it was such an issue. I just figured if you wanted to get it done, you get it done. I don’t need permission to get a vasectomy, a tattoo, or a hair cut. My assumption would be that if you are a man physically, but not mentally, then everyone should be thankful that we have the medical know-how to remedy that.
I’m admittedly ignorant on the topic, so maybe I’m over simplifying it.
Tasmin, I know that I did it the unconventional way with the NHS… In fact, if you’re the Tasmin I “think” you are, we may have met…
I was lucky, I was one of these girls who passed without hormones etc etc. But, it is possible 🙂
However, HRT asap is the best option! 🙂 And since our friend Amy here doesn’t have to worry about the NHS… 🙂
It’s horses for courses, and right now, Amy – go get a new therapist. You’d not wait around with the same garage if they kept servicing the Amy Mobile badly would you!?
Tamsin, about what your NHS shrink said about having a patient who…. It’s what the shrink didn’t say. How old was the patient? What color was tha patient’s beard? What was the patient’s height and build?
When I transitioned a knew a number of gals who started off for several years without electrolysis and hormones. They started at 15 or 16 when their families tossed them out. If all you need to shave is a little on the chin and upper lip and the beard is blond, it doesn’t take much make-up to hide it. I’ve had friends with light beard color put off finishing their electrolysis for years after their SRS, but face shaving became an emotional burden. It can be done under, but it proves nothing.
For what it’s worth, I don’t believe there’s a single “right way”. I didn’t appear in public until I’d removed all my beard and been on hormones eight months. Then I went 24/7. In the eyes of too many shrinks without a clue, my approach was all wrong, but it worked great for me. And, I had none of the problems that bedeviled their other patients who did it “conventionally”.
Oh … yeah … sorry about the Geoffrey. Sometimes I talk TS slang when I shouldn’t as I know there are viewers that don’t know the lingo …
This is just my definitioooon, others may opine differently:
The Harry Benjamin International Gender Dysphoria Association, Inc. (HBIGDA) is a professional organization that publishes Standards of Care (SOC) for the treatment of Gender Identity Disorder (which is of what transsexuals (TSs) suffer). These Standards of Care are followed by many in the medical profession … and one of the many requirements that must be met before many surgeons will perform such a surgury, is the requirement that a person seeking a “sex change” surgery must have two letters from therapists recommending the person for surgery. One letter is from your primary therapist and the other more a supplemental one. I refer to my primary therapist as my Gatekeeper because without his permission, I can’t get through the gate of transision … I need his letter of recommendation to get my surgery.
Hope that helps. I also refer to my therapist with a variety of additional terms … that might make a post someday ! 🙂
What the hell is a gatekeeper? Is it a requirement?
Ahhhh … Tamsin … just where the heck have you been ?? I don’t remember giving you permission to take a sabattical !! 🙂 Thanks for the comments ! Maybe I’ll have to borrow some words from Donald Trump the next time I speak with my Gatekeeper …
I was struck by your comment about your shrink expecting to you to be dressed right from the beginning. This reminds me of the old-fashioned attitude we get in the UK. The usual policy of our NHS is not to prescribe hormones until the patient has been living in female role for a while. This means they have to dress and wear make-up to hide male features from the earliest stages of transition.
I think this is a terrible policy. It is much harder to pass before hormones and other treatments, because the body has not changed yet; and yet people are expected to dress, thereby exposing themselves to the risk of being read and made to feel uncomfortable or worse. My NHS psychiatrist said to, in all earnest, that “hormones are the icing on the cake” and claimed to have a patient who can “pass comfortably” and yet still has to shave and who is not yet on hormones. How does that patient do it? I can only suppose that she does it by dressing overtly femme and wearing tons of make-up. She would have to, in order to hide male skin texture, etc. It sounds like a lot of effort at best, and risky and ineffective at worst.
Far better, IMHO, to start with hormones and to let the body change gradually, and to alter one’s appearance in harmony with those changes. Fortunately, I bypassed the initial, maddening stage of NHS treatment and obtained my hormones privately, and I have been progressively dressing and presenting in a more and more feminine way, as felt comfortable. Now I wear female clothes pretty much all the time, but I choose things that are not too overtly feminine, since I don’t want to look like a TV. If only all psychiatrists would see the sense in changing the body first, instead of forcing people to dress at odds with the body, in order to get the help they need to change the body!
Sorry for being wordy, but as this is my first post for a while I hope you won’t mind too much.
I’d also suggest you find a new psychiatrist. Remember! You’re employing them, and if they’re not doing the job for which you hired them, then you can fire them.
Thanks All !!!! I think I’m going to go therapist shopping. 🙂
Hiya ‘Kenna !! Welcome back !! How was the left side? Rumor has it that you tore it up !! 🙂
Amy darling…
You’re money is good anywhere. There’a couple if good sources form therapists, DrBecky.com has one; check out the HBIGDA association page…I found my second “readiness letter” therapist that way. Two meetings to write the friggin letter, but thats all…
Smile, cause you can!
Makenna
i’m reassured to see others have these problems. i thought maybe i was a psycho bitch… of course, it’s possible we all are, but at least we’re in good company.
🙂
My first gatekeeper was a world famous psychologist. I didn’t much care fore him. He approved for hormones the first time I saw him, but he also said I was very young and naive and should take things slowly. I found another. The second was married and in the closet about being gay. With him it was explaining over and over again just “being a feminine gay man” wasn’t an alternative for me. The third was a psychiatrist that was skilled and and knowledgeable. We got along well.
Shop around or don’t. In either case, stop listening to that miserable fuckwit. From what I can tell at this 50,000 foot level, you are doing just fine. Additionally, you instincts seem to be spot on for handling things in the way you feel they should be handled which is the only thing that really matters anyway. Personally, I would suggest stringing the little money-grabbing gatekeeper along until you get your letter from him and then drop him like a heavy load; everything will look nice and consistent on paper, you get what you want, and he thinks he gets what he wants.
Girl, get a new “Payme or else you won’t get your letter” fuckwhit.
What is it with these damn “therapists”
It seems all you americans do is turn up, hand over a huge cheque every time you go see them, and then have to put up with a load of insults…
At least I don’t have to PAY to see my therapists… though the last time I went HE spent the entire time talking and I just listened… and nodded in the right places…
Yeah … I will shop around. I should have known better a long time ago … but I was stubborn and of the belief we’d click eventually. Just not the case … he strung me out like crazy for my ‘mone scripts too.
Thank you. I did seem to get the feeling there were suggestions of “associating with my own kind” there … if I want to associate with my own kind or if I attempt to fully assimilate as a woman, it is not an element of being TS … it’s just how I’m choosing to handle it. And besides, it’s not like I don’t socialize with “my kind” … I do, it’s just that most of the time I’m still doing the same thing with the same people that I have always done … and apparently there’s an issue with that for some.
Dear, dear dear. You can string along this shrink and at the same time shop for another and another. The incremental cost of shopping around is relatively small. He might give you a letter when you’re ready, but I wouldn’t count on it. You can find alternatives.
since when the hell is socializing with TSs a requirement for TSs? i know a lot of TSs who would in fact *strongly* assert exactly the opposite. this person is talking out of his puckered, lilywhite straightguy sphincter.
it’s not other TSs who are going to validate you as a fully assimilated woman (which i take to be your goal). quite the opposite… and i think that’s the point with this jerk. to him you’re a separate thing, someone who should stay “with their own kind.”
balder fucking dash.
(said, as i’m sure you know, from the POV of one who identifies as a separate thing, and who greatly appreciates the society of her own kind.)