Atmospheric Interactiooooons
I’m calling the phase that I’m currently experiencing …
REENTRY.
You know how when the space shuttle re-enters the Earth’s atmosphere …
It’s a very volatile time.
First of all, you’ve got that whole scorching heat thang … caused by the friction of the craft pounding against the air molecules in the atmosphere … you just have to hope that all of the tiles glued to the bottom of the shuttle hold;
Then you’ve got to hope that the little fuel you have left in the tanks for manuevering at the final stages doesn’t somehow explode; and,
Lastly, you’ve got the whole challenge of the flying the phreakin’ thing !! 🙂 The shuttle must approach at the correct angle … not flat, but with a slight lift. However, the shuttle has no power on its descent … nope, nada, none … which means that you’re adjusting for the altitude declination by using the flaps … you cannot use the engines with the little fuel you’re saving at that point (it’s that whole blowing yourself up thing again) … so as has been mentioned frequently … flying a shuttle at the reentry stage is sort of like trying to fly a brick with wings that is dropping out of the sky. (See geek boys, with all this space talk, you can tell I’ve been reading up on what interests you !! :))
And even if all that goes well … is managed correctly … it’s still a bumpy, shaky ride with flames of heat and fire blasting all around you … a heckuva lot bumpier than it was just moments before you started your descent … and scarier than when you finally break through and are on your final descent to the runway.
Recently … I’ve started my descent … that final stage to fulltimeness …
And last week I definitely felt the turbulance …
Seems like everything I did somehow pissed somebody off … as many utterances of mine were deemed irritating, insensitive, rude, mean, evil or wrong.
We’re not just talking one or two people here and there …
I pissed more people off last week than I have in probably the last 10 years.
Aggregate.
By last night I was forced to accept the reality that the only people that still liked me were The UnUsual Suspects and My Hobbits (Ex and Morrie).
Suckers ! 🙂
Which of course confused me … I mean … what’s not to like about me ?!?! 🙂
What changed to make me go from doing little wrong in most people’s minds to doing so little right?
Well … apparently me in more ways that I thought !! 🙂
I’ve had a very smooth transition to date. Slow, deliberate, planned. My disclosures have generally rocked, my follow-up interactions have been comfortable, and as far as I know, confidentiality in the informatioooon has been generally maintained.
But there are bound to be some bumps along the way, regardless.
As Joe Hairdy I never shared my feelings, I tried to do whatever anyone wanted of me, I really never did anything but work, and my wit/humor/sarcasm seemed to be given a free pass regardless of what I said.
Even to this day … it’s not like I blab my feelings to just everyone, for the most part the greatest expression of my emotional state is the silly Mood indicator on my front page.
And I still try to do whatever people ask of me,
Granted, I don’t work nearly as much as I used to slave away …
But I actually think I’m funnier now than I ever was before …
I’ve really been developing some good material !!! 🙂
So to me it seems that I haven’t changed that much to warrant such a change in interactions with so many people that I know …
However, clearly I have.
Except for The Suspects and My Hobbits … I’ve found myself becoming hesitant to say anything to anyone … which is a major change in and of itself !! 😉
Though something else has had to change about me … but WHAT ??
At first I thought my new character trait of “I can do no right” was the result of others being in the shuttle experiencing reentry with me … and that was making all of us … edgy.
Sure … that’s it … we’re all a bit edgy.
But I don’t honestly think that’s the case.
Because, let’s be real here folks …
I’m in the shuttle alone … this is my solitary ride … in my transition, I’m the only one that’s really having to deal with, experience, the direct repercussions of transitioning … if there’s edgy, it must be me.
Oh sure … there are plenty of concerned, involved, maybe just interested people looking up from the ground …
Hoping I land safely … or maybe just curious whether or not all will end well … (oh yeah, and probably a few NASCAR fans watching just hoping to see a crash. :))
Maybe I deserve to be edgy … since if I crash this bird … the only one gone will be me. But I don’t find that acceptable for myself.
Now I’m lucky … I’ve got people I trust to the end of the world at Master Control … on the ground … guiding me.
In the early days, Shaft expertly provided directions, diagnosed problems as the head of Master Control … then once Baby Shaft was born …
Singer took the helm fulltime with precision, control and concern …. guiding me out of some really, really dangerous situations in ways only she could do … really dangerous situations.
Hottie has even found himself plopped into the ground command chair on multiple occasions and proven that he’s not only phreakin’ hot … but really smart … and caring … hot was covered, wasn’t it?
Heck, even Sister has had to cover a few sick days … which she’s done admirably … though it’s a bit scary when you’re talking with her afterwards and she says … “Oh, really, I don’t remember saying that.” 🙂
Now Miss Daisy hasn’t really ever been in the command chair … mainly because his first words of advice would be … “Get some vodka” 🙂 … But he’s this experienced astronaut … who has already landed his craft … offering me specific advice known only by those who have survived reentry themselves … the com connection to him has been invaluable.
My Hobbits … well … they’ve been the family … keeping my grounded. Disregarding my status in space and treating me, intereacting with me … as they always have.
But even with all this help …
I’m still trying to fly a brick with wings …
And am solely responsible for the success or failure of this mission.
But apparently the stress of such responsibility has affected me more than I realized … noticed.
Which kind of makes me feel more stressed …
Because in addition to feeling the nauseating pressure of handling reentry itself …
I’ve got to figure out what’s made me become so less likable.
There are a few theories I’m contemplating,
But discussion of those will have to wait for another time.
I’ve got to get back to flying this craft …
Has anyone seen where I left the flight manual ?? 🙂
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A, remember my sleeveless, high neck theory for waist and breast enhancement. It’s not lewdness when I’m staring at those women on the street – it’s reasearch. BTW, easy on the “I’m pissing everybody off” stuff. I don’t think it’s true in the way that you posted. What is true is that you are becoming more willing to throw your personality into the mix. I think you’ve been running the plain vanilla, don’t step on any toes routine for a long time. The larger the stone, the bigger the ripples. Personally, I feel like I’m doing great when I only piss off 50% of the people 50% of the time. Since you are a rookie at pissing people off, just don’t forget the rules of engagment. Don’t shoot the officers and give quarter.
Cannonballlllllll !!!!! 🙂
anything i might say would just be putting the “dun” in redundant…
🙂
hey, just jump right in aims! it’s not that cold once ya get used to it, y’know… trying to dip your toe in and slowly working your way is the most agonizing method! c’mon, you’re missing all the fun! 😛
..claire
Thanks for the tip Yodette !! 🙂 I do try to wear dark tops most of the time … but I just loved that sweater and like to lighten things up every now and then … in spite of the adverse effects it has on my appearance !!! 🙂 I’ll be good and go back to boring, blah darks colors again !! lol 🙂
My reentry analogy was certainly insensitive in light of timing with the anniversary of the Columbia accident and all … I hadn’t realized it was a year ago today until after I posted the post. I guess I must have heard it mention while half asleep and that’s what made the connection pop in my head. My apologies to any who I’ve offended.
Buckaroo Banzai – One of my favorite flicks !!! 🙂
The bandage example … it’s been in my noggin’ often lately !!! 🙂
BTW, regarding your “Weathergal Amy” comment about shoulders, to minimize the appearance of shoulder width, wear darker tops and choose V-neck or V-accents. For example, wear a dark V-neck sweater over a light color turtleneck if you need the extra neck coverage for warmth. Or wear a V-neck sweater and use a cashmere scarf to provide the coverage for warmth.
When we transition we discover the dissonance of gender ambiguity and cross-over get under peoples skin as a kind of subliminal irritant, if not an overt aggravation. When people feel irritated, they look for reasons. In the absence of a sensible reason, a handy excuse will do. The ones who can’t deal with being a bigot over your transition will find another way to complain. The others will snipe behind your back while a few of the boldest will attack you face to face. In my transition, except for family, only two or three people I met had the never to say anything negative to my face. I’m certain much was griped behind my back.
Transition is like removing a bandage. You can rip it off and get the pain over with quickly, or you can pull it off slowly and spread the pain over more time. Either way, you can’t escape the pain.
Likening transition to the Shuttle reminds me of what the Electroid, referring to a YoyoDyne craft, said in a Jamaican accent to Buckaroo Banzai:
“It’s a very bad design.”
Yeah … you’re right in that sense … I agree. But I guess what I was suggesting was that since for the most part, except for The Suspects and Hobbits, it seems that I’m an irritant to so many lately … there has to be something I’m doing wrong with my reentry approach … or at least, that I could definitely do better.
Though T-girls … feedback and your experiences are very welcomed here !! 🙂
P.S. Though at the current rate ‘kenna … I think we’re going to have to start drinking much sooner than March !!! 🙂
Don’t you see hon? It IS the gender change, no matter how much you wish it weren’t. They’re bothered by an innocuous comment about the weather! Its their way of indicating having a hard time with the new you. It unsettles people, and they’ll show their irritation with anything you do.
Don’t drive yourself crazy with this. it will abate as people get used to you. I just don’t kiw how long that is. I should know. I’ve been F/T since August 2003, and it happened (and continues to happen) to me.
Ask other T’s what they think…
Makenna
Well … I think what bothers me the most about “me” is that it’s really not so much issues about my gender change that seems to be the problem … it can be something as simple as a comment I make about the weather that will irritate someone … and it’s not an isolated occurrence … I seem to be bugging people on a much more global scale … which is why I think I’m the one that has to work on how I handle my interactions with people. There’s no question … I really try to be a good, nice person for all … it’s a central part of my personality … and I’m obviously screwing that up somehow now … I’ll figure it out though. 🙂
Fact: You’ve changed the rules on people with your gender change. Its a fundamental change and it takes getting used to…for THEM..They see you differently now.
Its change. Most people don’t like change. Any change. You’ve changed. Irrespective of whether you’ve done it in a sensitive way, its hard for some people, even more difficult for others.
I know it hurts you too.
As Don Miguel Ruis said in his book, The Four Agreements, “Don’t take things personally. Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be he victim of needless suffering”.
Easy to say, hard to do…
Makenna