And Now For Something Completely Different

Sometimes it really sucks being a Jedi ….

First, there is the temptation from the Dark Side …. you never know when it’s going to arise …. or appreciate just how intense the efforts to seduce one can be ….. sometimes it’s so enticing. Seductive. I had my moment of truth, and I turned away from Dark Side, but you always remain aware of its presence.

Then, there is the knowing …. Jedis don’t know the future, all we can do is sense timelines, some better than others …. Me? I do it pretty well, when I say I cheat … that’s all I’m doing … but by sensing timelines …. you know the most probable outcomes …. and though no one’s future is etched in place …. oftentimes the current of a timeline cannot be easily changed …. and there are times when sensing the dominat timeline ….. is not fun.

Lastly,

There is the life …. it’s pretty lonely. I’m not griping or anything, it just comes with the territory. I’ve never sensed timelines related to my personal relationships … that just never seemed right … but it’s a conscious choice not to do that, because I think I could … and in so many areas of my life, the ability is just so natural I don’t even realize I’m doing it. So when I’m not … like in my personal relationships … I’m in a totally foreign area … not using my complete set of skills … I think that might be one of the reasons why I screw up most of my personal relationships.

Anyways …

So as not to totally phreak you and make you think I’m nutz (WE) … instead of calling it “sensing timelines” …

How about calling it for now …

Intuition.

Does that make you feel better? Good. 🙂

I’ve always had a strong sense of “intuition”. My entire life.

I heard at a very early age the phrase “woman’s intuition” … and knew what it meant.

It was sorta my own, private inside secret. I was as good at what I did, what I attempted, how I behaved … because I had a strong sense of “woman’s intuition”, in fact, I found … a stronger sense than most women. Made total sense to me, ’cause I knew I was really a woman (girl of 7 at the time this whole thought process was going on in my mind) and I sort of figured that my stronger sense was just a by-product of having the skill but being stuck in a boys body … something must be heightening it, eventually I sort of suspected the testosterone played some role as my skill increased after puberty. It was a nice skill to have, though what made it even better … was that because people thought I was a guy … they never would figure it out … I’d always have that edge … it was sort of the consolation prize for being a transsexual.

Fast forward to February 2002 … I was starting ‘mones … and honestly, one of the things I wondered about before I started … was if my “intuition” would go away … did somehow my genetic make-up mixed erroneously with testosterone … give me a stronger sense of “intuition” than most others …. and would I lose that … as I lost my testosterone.

I figured it might … but really didn’t think about it much more than that, I certainly wasn’t going to base my decision on whether or not to start hormones on something as phreaky as possibly losing my Jedi skillz.

And you know what ??

I did.

I did lose them.

Not all at once … but gradually.

And for the most part … completely.

I realized it when I started failing to perform in key situations …

I’m the closer, the anchor … I’m brought in when a single task is required because … I could usually pull it off … regardless of the level of stress or pressure associated with it.

But I started failing.

I totally experienced it during bowling last year …. in those clutch situations where a win came down to me … I’d blow it … and because I rarely blew it … others noticed. I brushed it off as a minor slumped …. but actually, it unnerved me … because I couldn’t do it anymore … I couldn’t see what I had to do.

And my failings happened more and more.

By January 2003 … I had mere remnants of the skill remaining … sure, occasionally I could still pull something off … but it wasn’t like before.

I was pretty much time-line blind/”intuition” lacking by February 2003 … one year from commencement date. I certainly found it interesting … but my life wasn’t terrible as a result … it’s not like I sensed time-lines or relied on intuition for each decision during the day … I adapted and just chalked it up to the price of becoming normal. 🙂

Then about two months ago … maybe a bit more … it started happening. I wasn’t sensing timelines again … no.

I was being TOLD timelines … firmly being told timelines … it took me a month before I realized what was happening (I can be slow at times) … but the intuition I had before … was nothing compared to what I was now experiencing. The krap I could sense now … whoa !

I couldn’t control it. It was intrusive … bothersome … worrisome … and totally screwed up my chances of a good night’s sleep.

I’m getting a better handle on it now … but it still controls me more than I’m using it …

And …

I wonder if this is just the finale … the grand explosion at the end of the fireworks display … before my skillz/”intuition” are totally spent … gone forever,

Or if this is something I’ll have with me the rest of my life.

You’d think I should be able to sense that answer … 😛

And I can. 🙂

But ya know,

The future is never set … and

We each control our own future.

So you never know,

Just what might happen.

Just remember …

Girls can be Jedis, too.

And after all is said and done,

It’s pretty kewl being a Jedi.

May The Force Be With You.

Whatever.