Is That You?

A lot of people have seen Amy …

The guy behind me at the stoplight that laid on his horn and appeared to refer to me as a “fucking dumb bitch” or something to that extent …

The woman at the Farmer’s Market who thanked me for helping her pick up the items in a bag that broke on her …

The dude in the line at Meijers who appeared to be trying to count the number of stitches on my top, at least so it seemed by his attention to it …

Guys who I’ve danced with …

And some sweet souls who were even kind enough to buy me drinks before I blew them off … ahh, let me rephrase that … before I told them I had a boyfriend …

Then there are the support group people …

And my friends that I’ve made along the way …

And countless, faceless space fillers who accept me as I appear.

I’m good with that … really don’t think much about it once I’m in the groove.

But to date … only two people who know Joe Hairdy have also seen Amy.

Not my parents.

Not Singer.

Not my brother.

Not Ex.

Nope … only two.

Shaft and Hottie.

Shaft obviously. He’s a good critic for me … he tells me what works … what doesn’t. Totally cool.

And Hottie. Totally by accident. Twice. Thank gawd he didn’t recognize me. They happened so fast, I reacted by instinct, otherwise, I would have dodged.

And though I still struggle with the fear of being read, it’s not anything compared to the suffocating fear I feel at the thought of people who know Joe Hairdy meeting me.

I know it has to happen … but,

I don’t think they realize that it’s just as hard on me as it is on them.

Maybe even more so.

They aren’t the ones revealing more of themselves than ever shared before.

I’m also sure that part of my fear is that I know … that regardless of how I look … they will still see Joe Hairdy. I understand why.

But it will still make me feel uncomfortable.

I’ve got my approach to help alleviate that perception … at least hopefully address it … but still,

This stuff sucks.

At times like this … I’m really glad I have so few with whom to share this !! 🙂