What A Month !
The Last Day of July …
Wow !!
The summer is nearing conclusion …
And so is the existence of Joe Hairdy.
July has been a really a tumultuous month for me. In looking back at where I was at the beginning of this month and in reviewing some of my entries throughout the month … I realized that for most of July … I was phunking.
My normal mood and attitude seemed to be off the entire month. Sure … I had some really good times, laughed a great deal, was excited and enthused a fair amount, and smiled a lot …
But throughout … I’ve had this sense of unease …
I’m sure it was a combination of things …
The stress of a month where my docket ended up being overly aggressive in an attempt to wind down my workload for months after August …
The stress of some very difficult cases in that overly aggressive docket …
The stress of some impending, significant steps in my treatment …
The stress of trying to figure out a way to accommodate everyone else dear to me while also trying to accommodate me …
The stress of trying to come up with an entry to post everyday for a month non-stop (it really wasn’t too stressful, and it’s total dweeb of me to actually find it worthy enough of a challenge to attempt anyways) …
The stress of trying to figure out what I can do to help the firm after I leave …
The stress of maintaining boy-mode persona when I’ve lost all interest in doing such …
The stress of just unfortunate day to day life stuff that has nothing to do with my transsexualism … and,
The stress of feeling like I am letting everyone down.
It was a pretty suffocating month at times. I’ve got probably a dozen entries I’ve started but never finished … I will at some point, because I want to track my emotional phases throughout this process … it was just that before I could finish one entry, another feeling arrived.
But one of the things I found incredibly interesting throughout the entire month … was how … even though I expected to feel some self-doubt, it wasn’t nearly to the extent I would have anticipated … in fact, in reality, I’ve probably had more fear than self-doubt.
I have no doubt I’m a transsexual and that this is the right step for me to take in to cure my dysphoria,
But I am afraid, that after all is said and done, I’ll find myself thinking … it wasn’t worth it … I made a mistake … I should have just stuck it out with my dysphoria. I let down way too many people who were terribly important to me in an attempt to make myself better.
That’s what I fear.
Oh well.
That was July …
The month of phunk.
And tomorrow begins August …
The month of action.
ROFL Exactly !! I think it was …
“And now my friend, the first rule of Italian driving. Whatsa behind me is not important!”, said he broke off the rear view mirror and threw it away !!
… an all time classic quote.
I get your point Shaft and Sage !! 🙂 Thanks !
“…throw the rear view mirror out the window”
What did Raol Julia’s character say in “Gumball Rally”? Wasn’t it something like:
“What’s-a behind me she’s-a no matter!”
july sucked for sure, but the coming months… wow, i’m so excited for you aims!!
thanks so much for the kind words you guys!! 🙂
and it was unprompted and everything…gosh, that pavlovian conditioning sure works well! 😛
..claire
Scratch accommodate and throw the rear view mirror out the window.
Lisa … thanks for the post !! 🙂 I think you nailed it in that being the logical, thinker type … I’m doing some serious overthinking. At times I know I am, but I still do it ! Thanks for reminding me ! 🙂 And I totally expect that once started, I’ll be saying as you suggest “Why the hell didn’t I start this sooner?” 🙂
Isn’t Claire a sweetie? Of course, it’s always … your sister’s sooo sweet, she’s soooo smart, why can’t you be more like your sister … it’s always Marcia, Marcia, Marcia !! 🙂
Glad you’re her friend … I can use the help keeping an eye out for her !! lol
ummm…
yeah,
lisa said what i would have said
if i weren’t such a minimalist…
i, personally,
don’t like to think of it as a lemon,
although i do like the idea of
working it out
in a sweet,
tastefully understated,
and refreshing way…
🙂
Amy,
if you feel this strongly, then this is the right thing for you. You won’t regret it.
Sometimes we think waaayy toooo much. Especially if we are logical, thinker types. What if this, how will it affect that, blah de blah de blah!
As someone who is 14 1/2 years post-op, I know that I have no qualms about what I did. I’m now who I was always intended to be. It’s about you feeling comfortable in your own skin. It’s about where you see yourself in 10, 20 years. It’s about how you want to relate to the world for the rest of your life.
August will probably be the first month of the rest of your life. If you do start doing the things to transition, pretty soon you’ll start saying to yourself: “Why the hell didn’t I start this sooner!”
There will probably be some pain, you may lose some people, things like that happen. But they also happen when you change careers, get married, go through life changing medical problems (oh, yeah, that’s what THIS is!). But, this is a positive change that you are doing to make yourself the Best You that you can make. You were given a lemon when you were born, you’re just out to make some lemonade!
Best Wishes!
Lisa
btw, we seem to know some of the same people! Your ‘little sister’ is a friend. Claire is someone I found on GP, and I sure like her.
then it’s august
and everything after…
and listen up–
anyone you “let down”
is beneath you to begin with…
anyone who loves you,
or who is a real friend,
will not let you fall over the edge of the earth!
INT. NIGHT. SHAWNA’S BOUDOIR
Computer sits alone in darkness.
A scrolling screensaver spells out
“GET OVER IT, YOU STUPID COW!
P.S. MADE YOU LOOK!”