Weekend Fright
I’m scared …
Totally petrified.
My ffs is this week … and the stuff running through my mind freaks me out.
I am revisiting, rethinking previously adopted truisms.
Am I doing the right thing? Do I really need to do this? Is transition necessary for me? Why can’t I just stick it out as a man? Am I really TS? Maybe I’m AG or CD. Should I evaluate other options first?
And that fact that these things are going through my mind … makes me question myself even more. Heck … seems like everyone else is estatic prior to their ffs … and here I am … scared.
The risks of the surgery, healthwise, don’t bother me much, for reasons mentioned before. What scares me … terrifies me … is the magnitude of this impending act … and its life-altering effects.
What if I’m wrong? What if passing more easily, being perceived as female more readily … actually causes me greater discomfort?
I revisit things …
Naw I’m not CD, CD doesn’t make sense, it’s just simply not about the clothes for me.
AG? Doesn’t seem to fit either, I’ve known long before puberty of my feelings.
Well yeah … my dysphoria does seem to dissipate when I’m not presenting in guy mode, but …
What about the warnings? All legitimate … and meant to WARN. Maybe I should listen to them?
Sensing my fear … Shaft wanted to know what the odds were that I’d go through with it this week. I told him, despite my fright, I would put the odds at least at 90% … I really can’t imagine not having it done. And if I didn’t, it wouldn’t be because of my fear.
Now don’t get me wrong … I have no problem stopping everything and all I have done to date at any point where I feel it’s not right for me … I feel no sense of obligation to continue … to proceed … simply because I’ve come this far.
It’s just that … in spite of my fear … I sense nothing that would intervene with my plans later this week. I think that’s because my “fear” … really doesn’t seem to emanate so much from questioning my abilities/skills/decision making … but out of respect for the significance of what is about to happen in my life.
Amyways … that’s what is going through my mind … a week before my ffs.
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interesting to see where people find their comfort with critical changes. in my own case, while i have during the progress of my transition had doubts of varying degree, i have never once sought or even considered a “fallback” position. and in fact i think that to some extent my decision to go fulltime without FFS helped, because it forced me to draw on deeper strengths to advance my resocialization.
in any case, this path, and the life it has brought me, are my most enduring certainties…. as i suspect they are for you, the old habits of rationalization and bet-hedging aside.
Amy, dear,
you might want to go see what I said to your sister, Claire, about her ambivalence lately. It goes into the story The Ugly Duckling.
http://www.claireelysse.com/index.php?page=jblog.blogEntry&blogEntryId=uv2l64610583b405a541e39d2973e520f102
Hugz,
Lisa iMom
you know, IF yodette were ever wrong about something, i’d be the first to say so,
but she’s right again…
meanwhile,
i’m a person who’s afraid of everything,
more or less,
so i know that you might just be afraid
simply on principle–
perhaps fear and anxiety are the grid lines
you use to keep things coherent…
Exactly !! Thank you for reminding me !!! š
Something to remember, despite the wishful thinking of some transwomen, FFS won’t seriously hinder you from passing as a male, should you decide the transition thing was a mistake. Even Dr. O. is emphatic about it when the topic is discussed. Males with feminine facial structure are considered attractive and young looking, rather than ruggedly handsome.
Look at a number of male actors who are considered young heart throbs. It’s interesting to note that except for some hairline work for a few, there’s little a Dr. O. could do to make there skull structure more feminine.
A short haircut and a masculine presentation, and you’re back to being a younger version of your old self, if that’s what you choose.
FFS may take a bite out of you physically and financially, but otherwise there’s nothing to fear – unless you’re afraid by making passing easier it will tempt you do to something you’ll later regret. On the other hand, that’s what RLE is all about, isn’t it?