Just What Am I Sensing?
I’m really struggling with something to journal today …..
That’s odd.
Because I have a lot to write about …. so it’s not a dearth of topics …… in fact, I need to write about one event in particular ….. cause I’m curious to evaluate my feelings in a couple of situations.
In a completely professional setting, I met a t-girl.
I don’t think she suspected I could tell ….
But who knows ……
I’m sure she’s as skilled at deception as I …..
But I couldn’t get it outta my head that I could tell, her being t didn’t bother me at all ….
But me being able to tell did.
It made me uncomfortable about myself being in that same position someday …..
Huh ?
What I mean is that for all appearances ….. she appeared as any other 50+ woman ….
Very passable – I know I’m the only one in the limited setting that noticed.
Very nice – she presented herself as a sweet, intelligent lady.
But I could tell ….. she was passing, but I could tell.
And this was the first time I had ever met her.
Which kinda, sorta, mighta throw a bit of a wrench into my twist on the whole gender imprinting theory that I have incorporated into the Decision episodes …… and how I would implement a transition if I chose Option 1.
What were the tells ?? Well …
It certainly was not appearance …. she was shorter than I ….. physically fit ……
I’d guess she’s had ffs …. if not, then ….. “Beeaaatch” 🙂 ……. cause her face was non-telling …..
No …… if anything told me …… maybe the voice ……
It wasn’t bad by any means ….. also very passable ….. pitch was in proper location ….. word usage was appropriate.
But something about it just wasn’t right to me ….. prolly the reasonance and sing-song qualities …. ‘spose that got me thinking first …..
But honestly …… I’d probably say I sensed it more than anything else ….
And that bothers me a lot ….. ’cause here is incredibly passable woman …… but I’m still sensing it …..
Could others ??
If so …. I don’t want that to be me.
And what the heck was I sensing anyways ….. because if I could figure that out …. maybe I could remedy it !!
I don’t get it …. ’cause I have a few in-person t-friends (yeah, really, ‘magine that) ….
And though we’ve looked and laughed at their old boy pictures, and I’ve heard their old voices ….. I sense nothing but girl from them …
And don’t think of them in any other way.
But here …. I was sensing guy still ….. grrrrrrr
I just don’t get it …. maybe it’s a generational thing (and don’t any of you dare make a comment about MY age !!! :P) …..
This gal was well into the generation before me …..
And though I’m in the last year of the baby boomer cut-off …. most of my friends (except for Shaft …. we’re the same age) …. are X-ers ….. 4-5 years younger than me …. and that’s pretty much the group I identify with …. and behave as ….. WE.
But that doesn’t make any sense ….
Because I’ve met some t-girls older than me …. much older in some cases, tyvm …. and I don’t/didn’t sense anything but girl with them.
Krap ….. journaling this down hasn’t helped me figure it out ….
Hmmmm …. maybe I have more defects that I thought.
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just this morning, for instance;
i wasn’t sure,
but she seemed t-girl in a good way,
and i wanted to say,
“They say it takes one to know one,
so… are we both tall for the same reason?”
🙂
thanks for clearing that up, si,
i never would have guessed…
🙂
Um, I agree with no one and hate everyone.
oh, um…
the smiley
was supposed to indicate that i wasn’t
REALLY yelling at you…
so you mean,
give it all the consideration it merits,
without letting it gnaw at one?
or that we SHOULD worry the exact right amount?
🙂
and i’ll take a moment to rip into myself;
i realized later that when i said i wish i could critique others, it sounds as if i’m all that–
but, honestly,
i also wish others could critique me…
i wish i could pass out postcards for people
to rate me anonymously…
i wish we all had a remote in our purses,
and we could pause the world a moment
when we wanted to talk shop…
Stacy,
“Don’t worry too much” was exactly what I wanted to say. Not to judge Amy but I think her mulling what happened is a good thing. Worry about it…or more specifically Think about it, but don’t let it affect anything beyond the “Wow, that was kinda weird” train of thought.
-Caitlin
Ahhhh ….. Caitlin …. that comment right after yours …. the one with the screaming …
That was Stacy …. not me …. I was reading the comments and was like ….
Huh? …. What? …. I didn’t say that !! lol
TWG and Caitlin …. thanks for the comments. You’re right …. my t-spotting skills are much better than the average person …. much better than the above average person …. it just completely caught me off guard that reading her bother me so …. it had nothing to do with her …. it had all to do with me …. heck, she was very passable … that wasn’t even a question …. but I was able to tell … and that bothered me about me …. thanks for the audio engineer example …. totally makes sense.
My world is just getting too weird !! Stacy screaming at Caitlin in this post …. and then in the following post …. Stacy and Sianna agreeing with one another …. yikes …. things are just all upside down !! lol 😛
hey, i’m being the triplicate girl again!
but i have to take exception with the word
“deception”
WE ARE NOT DECEIVING ANYONE!!!
we are keeping some personal matters to ourselves;
we are helping others to remain
free of the delusion that
they can decide who-and-what we are;
we are making the world a better place
by dealing with our lives and ourselves
honestly…
wait a minnit!
i disageed with cait again, didn’t i?
perhaps it’s more accurate to say that most people don’t WANT to know any more than is necessary for the grammar portion of their brain to function comfortably…
don’t worry too much?
I WORRY THE EXACT RIGHT AMOUNT!
🙂
pardon me if i’ve blathered on this topic before,
but– when you look at printed text, you don’t look at letters, you recognize whole words…
when you look for your car in the parking lot,
you don’t have to see the whole thing to recognize it…
if for no other reason than grammar,
everyone sorts by gender when they see someone,
and it’s usually done on a preconscious level…
but there is no universal standard…
the times i’ve spotted another TS,
it’s usually been the shoes…
then i look at the hands,
(btw, i like to tell people that’s the most
painful
part of the whole procedure;
when they clamp your hands into that thing–
just like a mammogram–
and feminize them;
some people actually believe me!!!)
then i try to listen to the voice–
pitch and range don’t matter,
diction’s not that important;
it’s the flow–natural?
i wish so often i could just pull these girls
aside and give them my critique…
Amy,
I echo exactly what the Web Gal (TWG, heh…it took me a sec to make the connection) said. Everyone gets read, even people who souldn’t (like my mom for instance). You deal with it (by correcting or ignoring), then you move on.
And don’t let it freak you out that you were able to read her. Because of the insight you have now, you should be able to read folks better than the regualr public. You probably think about gender clues at least once a day. You’re bound to get good at it.
You know how often non T folk think about gender clues, or passability, or if that person is a she or a he?
Practically never.
It’s the same reason why an audio engineer can pick out the flaws in a recording when most others don’t even notice it. They deal with sound flaws every day, we don’t.
Don’t worry about this too much, as the same thing has happened to me and others.
Meow, darling …
I’ve had this discussion with other folks before.
It really depends on how serious you are about living life in real-mode. You can pretend to be a guy, hide behind that mask, live with the awkwardness and sadness inherent in that life of fraud. Or, you can transition, change you lifge and change your luck. And – sometimes you WILL run into strangers who may clock you. No matter how many surgeries you get, FF, trachial, “voice-tuning”, whateveah … SOMEWHERE, someone may clock you. SO what … deal with it. I’m a member of the local MCC – we have born-women who “don’t pass” – they deal with it. You really have to decide how much the quality of your life will be decided by the people you meet. Strangers yet! Old story – I blew my back out in my late 30s, spent a long time in healing as my life fell apart around me, and decided I had spent too much time worried about what folks around me thought. I decided I didn’t want to find myself at age 60 wishing I had changed my life when I had the chance. My back healed and I started transition. Its been nearly 12 years now, I’ll hit 50 in less than a year, and life is sweet. I suspect I get clocked now and then … it doesn’t change the fact that I am WAY happier now than during all those years in boy-drag (grin).
Besides, you have to consider that you have a sharper eye at clocking a sister than the general public does – she’s probably invisible outside the community. And if not, hey, thats part of the balance she reached when she made her decision to
cross-over.