Different Standards
One of the downsides of being around people who know your function …
Is that more often than not,
The curiousity of transsexualism …
Will lead many to examine you in a much more exacting way than they would otherwise:
Scrutinizing to find something that they can tell themselves would have clued them in if they had not known of your function;
Straining to find something in you that points out your past; or,
Searching to find something you do which distinguishes you as a t-girl who deviates from a mythical definition of female they expect you to meet, but from which natal girls are excused from complying.
It gets old really fast.
Most of the time …
I think I handle it rather well.
I do have a fair level of self-confidence,
A tremendous amount of inner strength,
And …
It helps that I love attention.
So even when I’m getting evaluated, reviewed, judged …
And you know when you are,
In my mind I’m telling myself …
“Kewl !! I’m being checked out !” 🙂
But it can be relentless at times …
And I’ve come to not be surprised about anything I hear:
You can tell it’s a wig/she needs to style her hair/she walks like a man/she’s always wearing heels/she dresses too feminine/she dresses too masculine/she dresses too young/she doesn’t act her age/she’s soooooo tall/she’s always applying lipgloss/she always seem nervous/she’s got such a low voice/her voice is all nasal/her voice is too squeaky/her voice drives me krazy/she’s always playing with her earring/she’s always twirling her hair/she’s always brushing her hair back/the boobs are fake/she wears too much make-up/she doesn’t wear make-up/she needs to do less with her hair/she talks about sports/she knows nothing about fashion/she’s all into labels/she wears cheap clothes/her clothes are too tight/her clothes are too sloppy/she doesn’t act lady-like/she’s just a caricature/she has too many guy friends/she swears/she laughs too much/she plays videogames/she takes nothing seriously/she’s too serious/she’s not maternal/Blah … blah … blah … blah … blah.
I’ve actually heard or overheard each and every one of those statements mentioned about me at one time or another.
And one can only suspect about the ones I haven’t heard ! 🙂
(Editor’s Note: In case you’re curious, here are my usually silent responses to the criticisms I have heard:
Sorry, it’s my real hair, but I hear Rogaine may be of some help for you, bitch/Yeah, probably/Never, I have better moves walking on stilts than you do barefoot/so what, at least I like being a girl/apparently not/apparently/true/true/I like being tall, I wish I was taller/yeah, because I use my lips for something other than just flapping in the wind, try it sometime/in some settings, yes/apparently/true, I’m working on it/I don’t think so/welcome to my world, have you heard yours/you’re making stuff up, I’ve never done that/yeah, it’s a nervous habit, I twirl my hair … you eat-smoke-play with yourself, deal with it/see previous response/guys don’t care/doubtful/more likely/not sure that could be done/so what/not true/no I’m not, I just love Coach krap/some are, true/definitely true/sometimes/I don’t think so/where do you come up with this krap/Not really, just seems like it/phuck you/very true and I’ll waste your butt/not true, I can just prioritize really well/I don’t think so/far from true.
What’s frustrating is that everything I did,
Or what people might have seen in me at a given time,
Which generated such a comment about me …
Was really no different than things natal women do.
However as applied to me,
The comment was said or pointed out as a “defect” about me …
In an overt or subsconscious way to discount my femaleness;
Conveying an unspoken belief or opinion that I’m not a woman,
Just playing one in my mind.
Now I’m not saying that when the same things are said about natal women,
It’s not meant to be mean or catty …
Of course they are.
It’s just that when said about a natal woman,
It’s all it’s meant to be …
And the subsequent judgment about them is something along the lines of …
She’s lazy, selfish, bitter, ugly, tasteless, trampy etc.,
Never that she’s not a woman.
Plus, I’m pretty sure that it’s unlikely some of the words used when tossed at me would ever have been chosen to apply to a natal.
Now I do know the difference …
In how criticisms are conveyed,
As I’ve also received such comments from women who think I’m natal.
You can tell by the tone,
By the look,
By the words used,
And the manner delivered (usually in confrontation in the women’s room, at least that’s my experience).
This also differs from constructive criticism,
I’m lucky? 🙂 enough to have plenty of willing friends who offer me constructive criticisms in a usually positive, helpful manner …
Which has been critical to my growth and development,
‘Cause face it …
I’ve been trying to learn about 41 years of female life experience knowledge in … oh, about 3 years now.
And there’s a lot learn ! 🙂
Amyways, I bring most this on myself …
Because I’m trying to woodwork.
Making an attempt to just blend into society and the world at large as me …
Doing my best not to call attention to my transsexualism,
But not denying it either.
So though there are a great number of people I meet in my day to day life that accept me as I am,
Clueless as to any reason for thought otherwise …
Yet there are also plenty who I encounter here and there that I know from my past,
Who knew Joe first,
Or know of Joe,
And still see him …
When looking at me.
This duality of perceptions rattles me from time to time.
As in one world,
I’m Amy Preston … the gal who will spontaneously go play laser tag in heels with a guy she just met (we won … yay !!), but then play waitress and dote on him while enjoying some drinks afterwards;
While in the other world,
If doing the exact same thing, I’d be viewed as the transsexual formerly known as Joe Hairdy and probably criticized for still doing masculine things (playing laser tag), being a caricature of femaleness (wearing heeled sandals) and making a mockery of womanhood (being the one going up to the counter for more cream and napkins).
I think what screws me up even more is that I’ve forgotten about Joe …
And I forget that’s not the case with everyone.
I don’t see him in the mirror,
And am disconnected from his past.
I’ve let go of Joe,
I’ve got Amy memories now,
And though I have access to Joe’s …
They don’t always feel like mine.
They are someone else’s,
And when they do feel like mine …
My gender is either non-descript,
Or seems to have been rewritten as female.
It’s weird.
Oh well,
Having chosen to give sticking it out here a chance,
There’s really nothing I’m inclined to do about the commentary I receive at times …
As I don’t feel like expending the energy to approach an intermediate solution …
And get into a conversation with anyone that says krap like that …
About why they feel the need to judge and evaluate me as such.
Besides,
It’s bound to get worse in a few weeks …
Though I am hopeful that in most respects,
It’ll ultimately abate.
But in the meantime,
I’ll just bitch about it here on occasion …
While coming up with some better rude responses to share ! 🙂
You know Amy,
I really do wish I had found your website last year, when I was going through a really rough time. I was having these things said to me by my “so called” best friends. By the end of it, I didn’t really have a personality, let alone a persona. I’d been brow-beaten so much that I could hardly function. If nothing else, your site serves as a pointer to all of us. We all go through the same thing, maybe at diferent levels and different times but it’s all the same!
Take care,
Nikki
Nope … no editing at all. I really edit very rarely, and always note when I’ve edited something. I like open discussions and opinion, it’s just the personal attacks that aren’t allowed. I think in two years, I’ve edited less than 1/2 dozen posts. Of course, I don’t included as editing the perv comments or the spam comments, those I just delete.
Yeah, this post was mainly an incoherent rant … pretty poorly written … and really just an accummulation of frustrations over time. I’m not sure anyone got what I was trying to say … even my dad e-mailed me and said … “Huh?”
Basically I think it comes down to I don’t care if you’re bitchy to me, I don’t care if your bitchy to me because I’m a transsexual … I’m fine with just general bitchiness, that’s part of life. But I get very annoyed when you point out what you perceive as flaws in my presentation, using such to suggest I’m not female, when you have just as many such flaws. That’s why constructive criticism is good … it’s not meant to suggest I’m not female, it’s meant to help me learn all the krap I have to learn. Contrasted with the type of comments I’m talking about, which aren’t meant to help, but degrade or mock.
Amy,
1. “Consider the source”. That person has no clue, is unqualified and has more issues they are afraid of to tackle themselves.I.E. they are full of snit.
2. “They have not walked in your shoes”. They don’t know what you know and have not shared in your wild and crazy but fun life.
3. “Be yourself” Keep on being Amy, you are going in the right direction and with your attitude, personality and great looks you will go very far.
4. “Smile or just laugh at them” You know and they will know (if they have at least one clue)that you don’t care about their unwelcomed comment(in short telling them in non-verbal ways to “puck off”).
Keep on showing them your the best!;even if they don’t get it.:)
Pat
so many arguments could start here;
i’m glad none did–
or did you tactfully edit them out?
the important thing to remember is that
ALL of those judgments/criticisms
are about THEM, not you–
they are insecure about themselves,
and have to degrade you to reassure themselves
–to paraphrase a line from Mississippi Burning,
if you aint better than a transsexual,
who are you better than?
Hey Amy – I’m soo sorry you have to deal with this crap, I’m sorry every TS woman who has to deal with this crap, day in day out. I think it’s a slamming indictment of humanity (.n sympathy and kindness towards others) as a whole. There’s the sympathetic / empathetic portion of me (95%) that will actually make excuses for the rude, insensitive behaviour of others – then there’s the (5%) that says in order for these people to feel good about them, they feel they must put others down – why? What gives any of us the right to sit in judgement of others? They don’t have the first clue of how much pain (mental, physical, social) you and ever other TS woman has had to endure just so they can redress a congenital birth defect over which they had no control – I’m sure after walking in your shoes for half a day those that would mock, jeer and condemn would soon change their tune. Life isn’t easy and it’s idiots like those that make me realize we’re not that far removed from our ancestors that swung from the trees – maybe we can learn from their highly developed social structure, evidently, we lost that along the way…..
I truly do not understand my fellow man – will we ever?
clio
Aims,
I know it’s tough “sticking it out” to see what happens…I’ve been doing it for five years… and I’m right down the street.
Periodically, I call upon all the grace I muster…grace, I’ve found, for the most part, is returned in kind. It means biting my tongue and it means saying “thank you” and walking away. It means sometimes putting up with a bitchy waiter who thinks I am “of a lesser god.” It means being criticized about my appearance ad nauseum. It also means I must politely, and reassuringly smile when I see the horror on someone’s face when I’ve been “clocked.”
But being “out” has advantages, particularly in a place where you are familiar and surrounded by those who support your efforts to blend into society. Family, co-workers, community can provide understanding and comfort during the rough times. For me, because I transitioned BEFORE I attended college, I was able to establish credibilty and build new relationships in an “upwardly mobile” direction rather than be perceived as clinging and clawing on a slippery slope to disenfranchsement and marginalization, as sometimes happens.
Certainly, in my case, I need not live in fear of being “outed.” It’s a mere footnote to my existence, no more, no less. That, to me is EM-powering and not DIS-empowering.
“There is no ‘try.'”
delia
Sad commentary on the human animal. We just have to spend so much time criticizing, analyzing, and putting others down. What’s the point? To make ourselves feel better if we put them down? There isn’t one single human out there that is perfect, we all can be faulted in endless lists.
Repeat after me: WHO CARES!