Finding My Place
Life is life …
And just as you get over one hurdle,
You see another looming in the distance.
It’s what keeps up sharp,
Makes life interesting,
Fun,
And Worth Living.
More and more lately I’ve made referenced to how my gender identity dysphoria has dissipated.
How the intrusive,
Disabling,
Thoughts and feelings,
Are no longer on the forefront of my mind,
Each and every minute of my day.
I’m finally free to live.
But that doesn’t mean that I’m not thinking about my transsexualism,
Frequently, and
Its ramifications.
I question whether or not I’m passing,
I think about my decision’s impact on my family and friends, and
I’m still trying to figure out where I fit in.
As I’m starting to meet more and more people,
Create and build my life among others,
Who only know me as me …
I’m finding myself faced with the Disclose or Don’t Disclose question.
My approach to date has been The Cancer Benchmark.
If I had had cancer, instead of transsexualism, would I mention it to this person.
Those are the types of experiences that I deem so personal and private, that I wouldn’t tell everyone I meet the first time I meet them … or the second time … or the third time …
But what about the fourth,
Or times thereafter?
Now of course, I’m not even sure The Cancer Benchmark is applicable to transsexualism …
I mean, because of societal issues with ts’ism,
Does an acquaintance have an earlier natural right to know one’s ts past sooner than one would expect to share other medical pasts with a new acquintance?
I know that those who believe transsexualism is a “choice” of course expect us to inform them immediately upon meeting and then quickly leave so that our “choice” can’t be passed by airborne molecules to them,
But those empty-minded, following butts aren’t the ones I’m wondering about …
I’m thinking about the average, open minded, sheltered person …
Co-workers, classmates, fellow volunteers.
When I become frends with such … do I tell them?
Because I haven’t been.
And I don’t feel bad about it …
It’s just that it’s a pain in the butt for me reconstructing a past on the fly that is consistent with my presentation …
And in light of my lousy lying skills, I’m not good at consistent reconstructionist history.
It’s just so much easier acknowledging my past actitivies as boy.
Now my hesitation for sharing my past is not because of any embarassment about being transsexual.
Though in the early stages, yes … I was … embarassed. I could barely whisper the word.
But now, I’m not embarassed in the least, and if anything, somewhat proud …
That I’ve finally faced this challenge and am doing my best to kick its ass.
No, my hesitation for sharing my function is that afterwards, people treat me differently.
That’s the downside to my blending approach …
At first blush it feels like I’m keeping a secret again,
And when people find out the secret,
There are ramifications.
But this secret …
Is different.
Whereas before I was desparately hiding from all,
Who I really was,
Now I’m not hiding me in the least.
The person people are getting to know …
Is the real, honest to goodness … me.
Today, I’m hiding, if anything …
Part of my past.
And people hide their past, parts of their past … all the time.
Just because a person was a prostitute in the past, it doesn’t make them a prostitute today;
Just because a person was a heathen in the past, it doesn’t make them a heathen today; and,
Just because I was a boy in the past, it doesn’t make me a boy today.
But what does it make me?
Well, I don’t know … that’s a post for another day,
Because honestly,
I really don’t think it makes me just another girl.
Which is why,
I’ve drawn no conclusion …
As I’m still wandering around in my mind trying to find my place,
And this post is just going to have To Be Continued.
Stacy, that’s perfect.
who you tell
or why you tell them
does NOT concern me…
what concerns me is the pathology analogy…
Please look at it in these terms:
You are an angel.
God has given you a human form,
and a human identity.
Now reconsider your questions.
Who needs to know that you are an angel?
How would their understanding of
your angelic background affect you?
How would their feelings about angels
impact your life?
And what the fuck’s wrong with being an angel
anyway???
🙂
Getting feedback is enormously helpful, isn’t it? Knowing that people can relate in so many different ways and empathize with you is a true source of comfort. Keep it close to you and go back as you need to. Life is a bitch and a blessing; you will be okay and you will deal with whatever comes your way.
Amen to that Skylark…amen sister!
M
yes. we should always take on the problems other people have with us as burdens for ourselves. we should weigh ourselves down, not only with what we carry, but what other might lay on us because they’re too weak. we should accept as “selfish” every choice we make as a consequence of our condition. we should lock away our knoweldge that the world is bigger than we were told, because of other people’s shame and fear and failure of vision.
yes.
there is no binary answer to this, just as there is no binary answer to your identity. there is only contingency, not principle.
be always and only yourself, however that self is with respect to any relation. not an expectation. not an icon. not an object, an excuse, a pathology, a secret or a badge.
just you.
Okay … okay … okay …
I think I’ve got it through this rock of a head I have …
Shut-up About It – 4 (Singer’s position too)
Disclose It – 0
So just shut-up Amy. Which is what I have been doing, I just was just second guessing myself, which is, you know … something new and different for me to do. 🙂
Thanks for the advice ! 🙂
well, I’m not that much farther along then you are (F/T for 10 months) and already I keep this stuff to myself. Its just not “need to know” info to build friendships on.
iMom and Yodette are right. Shut up already! 🙂
Makenna
Amy dearest,
I know some feel it is bad to not Disclose their past, but there’s truth in what Yodette has said. It is a burden on those around you if you start disclosing. They’ll have to decide whether or not to disclose further, and how that will affect their relationships. Sometimes, ignorance is bliss.
As for myself? I’ve followed the basic idea of stealth, and it’s worked well for me. I don’t lie to those who knew me before, like former classmates I’ve met, and the outcome has been very nice. But I don’t announce my old medical problem to new people I meet. There’s just not been a case, other than my doctors, where I felt I had to divulge anything about my past problem. Now, I may have had an extraordinary childhood, in that I didn’t have to change very many details to have an almost perfectly normal childhood for a girl. The only things I can think of were being in the Scouts (which had its ups and downs), and changing the nouns of things like waitress instead of waiter.
It will be much easier for you, and for those around you, if you don’t speak of your old medical problem. Not doing so will actually lead to a more normal life. Just Amy. Just You.
It’s just my opinion, and maybe should be yours too! 😉
Hugzz,
iMom
I