Jumped The Shark

Wow.

Everyone knows.

The secret I kept hidden from the world for decades has finally been disclosed to all of those close to me.

And in so many ways … it is a relief. The anxiety caused by maintaining such a lie about a core element of one’s being is exhaustive.

But with the relief … the honesty … the freedom,

Comes some sadness.

Because once told … people stop looking at you the same way.

For me, I’ve been fortunate … I haven’t been exposed to any extreme looks of disgust.

I’ve experienced shock, disbelief, amusement, curiousity, anger, sadness, concern, fear, indignation, pity and a multitude of other emotions … but not disgust.

So far anyways.

But what makes its exit upon the arrival of the new looks is the look Joe Hairdy used to receive from people … obviously different looks from different people … but they were looks of love, respect, affection, awe (hehe, yeah right :)) or other such positive looks.

I don’t receive such looks anymore. And for good reason …

Everyone who is close to me has now been informed of the lie I’ve been perpetuating on them … and though they understand the reason for the lie, and though some question whether I was actually lying … they all understand that for me … Joe Hairdy was a role.

And now they question who I really am. The me they thought they knew … doesn’t exist. And interest in me … in the Joe Hairdy role … has passed.

The continuation in my life at this point … of those now in the know … is fortified by a sense of obligation … by the memory of the me they used to believe in and love … and the hope that in time … they will find that I’m still the same me, only different.

Shaft is already there. Of course, he’s had so much more exposure to me than anyone else, so it only makes sense. But also, Shaft is special … it’s rare that someone can have a friend like him … and I know that. There’s no one else like him. Anyways … when we’re interacting now … it’s the most natural thing in the world for me … to be in Amy role … and regardless of my presentation at the moment … we interact in a way incredibly similar to how we always have … with as much life, fun and gusto as we always have … only different.

Singer has had moments of such. There have been times where it’s clear to me … she’s totally seen … I’m still me. And when I’ve seen that look in her eye … it’s a wonderful feeling. Dad too. I’ve noticed it sparkle in his eyes on occasion, and he’s even commented on it himself. Ex has had a few glimmers also.

But it takes time for people to accept the belief that I am still me. And during that time … interest and trust in the Joe Hairdy role wanes.

There’s no doubt … The Life and Times of Joe Hairdy has Jumped the Shark.

Which means to me …

My transition has truly begun.