Confusion
I’ve been trying to get back into the routine of things the past few days, so I’ve been pushing myself. And I’m feeling the effects.
I worked a full day yesterday, albeit, not high intensity. And today, I was back in court for the first time since my ffs. Count that kids … only 10 days between court appearances, as on day 11 … I was back sorta, kinda, maybe doing my thang. And I won, so that’s good. 🙂
I’m still doing boy at work, and with the bruises that remain, the swelling and the cut across my forehead, it’s pretty apparent to all that something happened. As my forehead remains immobile, I have the perpetual look of surprise, and that’s pretty wild, freaky. I’m spinning a story, and most seem to accept, or at least not challenge its premise to my face. I sure get plenty of comments. But so far, no one has said to my face … “Dude, you look like a girl.” Of course, that doesn’t mean they aren’t saying that behind my back. And personally, I hope they are !!
Anyways … I’m tired and honestly feel like I’m in a weird place. FFS was such a big deal for me, and now that it’s over, I’m feeling something that I can’t put my finger on … Dissatisfactioooon? No, not in the least. I couldn’t be more pleased. Regret? Nope, not for a second. Depression? I don’t think so, though there’s a bit of a morosity in my demeanor. I just can’t figure it out.
Maybe it’s because I’m still living a bifurcated (I love that word) life. Maybe it’s because I’m feeling an aura of indecision. Maybe it’s just because I’m tired.
I just don’t know.
Right now, my money is on the whole … just some emotional after-effects of surgery stuff. But whatever it is, I hope it goes away. ‘Cause it’s becoming a nuisance.
Melissa !!!!! OMG !! You’ve been lurking me ?? LOL I’m so glad you’ve finally posted you beaatch ! 🙂 We definitely need to go out and have a few toddies … gobs to catch up on ! 🙂
Amy,
Hey girl! It’s Melissa, as in Melissa at Friday’s I’ve been following your postings the past week. It’s so exciting! And you look terrific. If the photoshop work on your photo is any indication of how you will look, and I think it is, you are on your way to being so incredibly cute! As far as continuing in boy mode, I think passing one way or another is mostly about presentation, so you can probably pull off either. But when you decide to take the plunge and go full time, I don’t think new people that you meet, such as clients, will have any idea that you were ever anything but a girl. I’m so happy for you. We should celebrate at Fridays! And be ready to get carded if you drink any alcohol. You look so young!
Sianna who?
that site is … down/dead/whatever.
unsolicited plug, cool! 🙂 (i’m not paying you for this one, aims… haha.)
although i know you programmed in a past life, and are playing blonde here :P… here’s a decent article on using javascript’s window.open() to control the look and feel of popup windows. a related article gives more advanced tips. this is also a good tip i think.
..claire
I agree with Stacy. Pictures of oneself are definitely not necessary. The pictures I’m posting recently are ffs related, and I feel a sort of obligation to those considering ffs to share my experience, because I gleamed so much from Caitlin’s and Kate A.’s descriptions, and especially since I went with a surgeon who doesn’t have as many ffs graduates posting pics of themselves. But other than that, to date, the pics of myself have all had my face concealed in some way. And even those silly pictures still seem to attract quite the interesting collection of e-mail at times.
aims–
yeah, i’d guess it’s the whole…
all of it…
tamsin–
nice start, blogwise…
as for pix,
well… my limited observation has been
that it’s usually regretable…
amy is used to dealing with convicted felons,
so she’s better-suited than most for dealing with
ts-photo-junkies…
I have to confess as far as my website goes … on even the simplist coding, I labor for days and anything even remotely kewl is either plagarized from elsewhere or I’m given big, big clues and hints how to do it (sometimes even what I should do) from Sianna and Claire. 🙂
And right now might be the ideal time for such help if anyone would care to share with me how to open a new, maximized screen from a link in a comment box. 🙂
Very soon, if not already, you’re going to look more female than male. At that point it will be easiest to go full-time. That is, if you look like a woman, then you will get less hassle if you present as one all the time than if you carry on pretending to be a man. You’re not a guy – you’re a gal.
I can understand your feelings of anti-climax. Your FFS won’t make much difference to you in the short term, but in the long term you will appreciate it more and more. It’s the kind of thing you just can’t take in all at once. Put it another way: the changes may be subtle, but they will be invaluable, as it is often the subtle things that make the difference.
It will be the same when you have GRS. There will be a long recovery time. It won’t be like going to bed one night and waking up as a girl. It will take time to become accustomed to your new, ahem, “hardware”. Transition is just that: a steady change from one thing to another, without shocks.
I like your blog very much and will keep following it with interest. Please would you have a look at mine, Stone Age as it is in comparison with yours?
Once the collected excuses have crumbled, the imparative to transition fully can become as pliant and biddable as a runaway steam roller.
I also suspect that having to return to boy mode on occasion is a greater source of discontent that I’m acknowledging.
Anticlimactic let down, perhaps? You had a big build-up, and then what? You continue to do the part-time thing as before. Until the swelling and discoloration abate no one is likely to notice subtle changes when big ones are playing the black and blue calliope, are they?