Ask Shaft for August 26, 2003
Dear Shaft,
I have a couple of questions for you. Hopefully you will feel they are worthy of inclusion in your column. First, prior to Amy coming out to you, what was your opinion of Transsexuals? Secondly, from your standpoint, as a friend of a Transsexual, what are some of the mistakes a person in transition might unconsciously make in dealing with their friends? I look forward to your response.
Sincerely,
Robin
Robin, thanks for the interesting questions. You asked what my opinion was of transsexuals prior to Amy revealing herself to me. I’m not sure I had an opinion of transsexuals prior to Amy’s revelation. I try hard to maintain a “live and let live” philosophy. I’ve never understood the classic redneck scenario of kicking somebody’s ass because of how they look or who they are. I try to judge people by their actions. A transsexual, homosexual, heterosexual, Caucasian or person of color, for instance, that acts like an asshole is an asshole in my book, and should be treated as such. The same persons who are cordial and respectful should be treated the exact same way. I am sure, however, that I laughed at all of the “she’s a guy” jokes without thinking about why. I asked Amy once what it was like to have to play along when these things happened. She made it seem like no big deal but I could tell that it must be difficult to endure. I think I understand better when I put myself in her shoes. I’ve told Amy that there is no doubt that I will have a misdemeanor assault record sometime in the next few years because I will have to kick some redneck’s ass.
Your question about what mistakes a transsexual might make in dealing with her friends is tough because this is all new to me. Amy has done a great job of helping me through the process. I think that if she made a mistake, it has been that she is so protective of me, and everyone else around her, that she doesn’t trust me enough to just lay it all out there. She ends up carrying too much of the burden. Your question is interesting to me because my concern is just the opposite of yours. What mistakes have I unwittingly made in my interaction with Amy? I guess we have to accept that there is no instruction manual and we do our best to avoid repeating our mistakes. A good friend should be able to handle the challenges that transition presents.
Be cool. Shaft.
yay, transition, a topic I know nothing about.
*takes off advisor hat, burns it*
Wow … you kids know me so well !! That’s amazing !! You’re exactly right.
“…she is so protective of me, and everyone else around her, that she doesn’t trust me enough to just lay it all out there.”
The magnitude of the change is so great and the opportunities to botch it all so numerous, it’s understandable Amy wants to control everything as much as possible. The desire to manage the train wreck dovetails with her desire to protect. She may not know where the desire to protection ends and the need to control begins.
Once underway, control is an illusion. At full transition the whole process gains momentum. I wager a big chunk of the fear gnawing her now is the dawning realization her snowball’s gathered so much momentum she’s losing control. At some point she’ll have accept she can’t control a runaway bulldozer with marionette strings.
She’s done her preparation, now she needs to ride it out. Picture a rodeo bull rider when the buzzer sounds and they fling open the gate….
Yee Haw!