Mind Junk

Hey Kids …

I haven’t disappeared or anything … just slightly overwhelmed with the world right now …

I think Yodette described it very accurately in one of her comments when she mentioned how I like to feel I’m in control … but at some point, this whole transition thing seems to be like a snowball gaining momentum and all one can do is hang on for the ride … and accept not being in control.

Feels like that right now.

And though I have been incredibly fortunate so far in the responses from all who are in the know … at least in the sense no one has run away screaming just yet … no one is really estatic about losing Joe Hairdy. I understand that … Joe Hairdy is really a nice guy. And though everyone is quick to point out … “It’s your life, you do what you have to do for you.” … it’s obvious no one wants me to do this. And they feel a sadness as a result. And I feel their sadness. And that makes me sad.

Now I’m convinced … after all is said and done … the “new” me is every bit as much fun, as loyal, as dedicated and as nice … as the “old” me … actually, the new me is a lot more fun than the old me … and given the chance, people will like me just the same as they like Joe Hairdy … it’s just that as my dad said … there’s going to be a “getting used to things” period … and that will be difficult for everyone. We just have to help each other get through it. 🙂

Though right now … I’m tired of feeling sadness.

And never in my life have I ever felt this alone. ‘Cause ya know … “It’s my life, I have to do what I have to do for me.” Whatever. Talk about a convenient out for letting me flop in the wind.

I know it’s hard on people, but gawd, come on … if it’s hard on you, imagine what it’s like for me ! How about asking me how I’m doing? How about giving me some time? How about tossing some positives in my directiooon? I’m not asking for phucking much … you don’t even have to talk to me … just toss me an e-mail … let me know you know I’m a person still … a person you give a rip about … ahhh heck. Forget it. You don’t have to do that. You know it as well as I do. I’ll be there for you … even when you don’t ask … I’ll be there. And you know that.

Okay … I feel better now. 🙂

That kids … is what was going through my mind. I’d never say that to anyone. (Probably a personality flaw of mine in its own right. Oh well. Somethings just aren’t going to change !! :P)

Anyways … I was just bitching. I’m really doing pretty well. Just tired. I’ve been working so hard to be supportive for everyone else during this … I haven’t been giving myself some recovery time on my own I guess.

Though please note … but for you viewers :),Shaft and Singer, to whom the above mind junk does not even remotely apply, I wouldn’t be doing well. You kids have been so supportive and great, I can’t thank you enough. I know I’m behind on my e-mails and I don’t mean to be rude, but as I mentioned, I’ve just been overwhelmed. I’ll get caught up soon. (I’m going to have some upcoming downtime 🙂 )

Anyways … Shaft and Satan go into the hospital tomorrow for Satan’s C-sectioooon … please think good thoughts for their entire family.

Now I’ll get back to trying to finish my entry on what is going to be done to my face. 🙂