Strange Mood

Interesting ….. I’m struggling to describe the funk that I have now found myself in today …. it’s just really weird …. a potpourri of anxiety, impatience, curiousity, sadness and excitement …. noticeably missing though …. second-guessing ….. that has to mean something !!

Anxiety from the upcoming discussions ….. mom & dad, Singer, Brother, Ex ….. they won’t be easy for me. Though Dad has been great, having a discussion where the decision will be made and acknowledged will not be easy …. and though all except Singer know of my transsexualism …. I have no idea how any will respond …. I’ll plan for the worse so I’ll be surprised if I get lucky and it’s better.

Impatience …. just the timing of things has moved my date back a month …. I’m ready now ….. I feel like I’m wasting moments of my life each day I remain in boy-mode.

Curiousity …. I’ve got to figure out employment post-ffs and I have no idea what I’m going to do yet …. though I’m not freaking out about it …. odd.

Sadness …. I talked with a few friends today, out of the blue they called ….. wanting to make plans for this summer …. I was non-committal in my commitment …. I won’t be there …… I’ll be laid up that weekend in a hospital or after care facility in San Fran ….. but they don’t know that yet ….. and unknown to everyone but myself and Shaft, the days are winding down of the weekly events with me, Shaft, Singer, Hottie and Sister …. I’ll miss them so much (the people, not the bowling…. obviously considering how often those four are mentioned in my posts !)

Excitement …. I’m going to live !! Woo hoo !! I can’t wait !! Oh sure …. I’m bound to have future sadness, sorrow, frustration, anger, melancholy …. but get this …. it’ll all be the result of acts occuring in which I was involved and I was ME !!!! Not some character I was extremely skilled at playing !!

Definitely an interesting funk.