• I have got the

• I have got the absolute best friends in the world ….. proof in point ….. as you might have gleamed lately, I’ve been unreasonably busy at work and contemporaneously freaking out completely about my impending transition …… the result has been an uncharacteristic bitchy quality to my personality …. (though when I apologized to Shaft for being bitchy the other day …. he was like “What? Didn’t notice.”) …… anyways ….. I do my normal daily surf to my favorite sites …. and what do I see at my first stop ….. Sianna putting a reference to me in her banner and her field correspondent responsibilities !! ….. OMG !!!! I don’t think I’ve smiled so much in weeks !!! Thank you !! You’re the best !! 🙂 …. And you …. yeah you …. the one reading this …… I’m completely serious …. thanks for visiting, we all know how I crave and adore my viewers and any attention …. but really, go to my field correspondents’ sites first …. they are each so much more interesting than me !!

• Okay ….I hope you’re only here still because you’ve already been to each of my field correspondents’ sites !!

• Freaking Out

So what’s the scoop?? Why am I freaking out over my impending transition ???? Well ….. before we start trying to figure out “why” …. let’s start first by asking the question “What do I mean by ‘freaking out’?” ….. hmmmmm ….. I suppose it would be best summarized as just “an overwhelming sense of overwhelmingness” ….. Yeah !!! ……………. I know !!!!! …………. What a lame-ass definition !!!! But really ….. that’s a pretty apt description. I’m just feeling overwhelmed about the magnitude and the ramnifications of the decision I have made. Let’s see how this develops and maybe we’ll have a different definition by the time I finish …..

Surprisingly …..my “freaking out” hasn’t really led to or meant any major reconsideration of my decision … oh, sure …. there’s been some minor exploration in that direction …. Do I really need to do this? Can’t I just stick it out as a man and be a part-time girl? It’s so much easier to be a guy ! I’m really going to mess the presumed respect I get as a man. …. you know …. those types of thoughts ….. but nothing significant. I suppose in some sense, I’m at a peace with myself and at least know it really is the right thing for me to do …..

I’d say the “freaking out” is more related to the complete unknown that is about to become my life ….. let’s face it kids, we all know I’m somewhat of a control freak, need to know everything and plan my life in infinite detail …… this whole change is pretty much not the me I’ve been playing so far in my life ….. plus, what I think has freaked me out more than everything is the realization just how far I have come and where I am already ….. I mean, right now ….. I’m further along “change”-wise than many girls are when they transition …. and I’ve been dwelling on that as my changes have become so much more noticeable to me ……

It really has gotten to the point where I have to expend efforts to present myself as either a boy or a girl ….. the easiest look for me now is completely androgynous and it confuses many (which is incredibly amusing to me !! lol) …. if I gel the living daylights out of my hair and comb it down hard – POOF, ima boy ….. or if I blow dry the mop, slight gel for shape and hold – VIOLA, ima girl. I was laying on my back on Monday, getting zapped by my electrolysist, and I zoned out for a bit, when I came back around, my Palm device that I was using to read a book while I was getting zapped had timed-out and my screen shut-off ….. I saw a reflection in the blank screen and thought “girl” …. honestly, nothing more, nothing less, I just registered that I was looking at a girl ….. then I realized ….. CRAP !!!! ….. that’s me !!!! Seriously, I swear, my heart must have stopped for a moment and then raced like crazy afterwards …… it was I think the first time I saw why I’ve been getting ma’am’d so frequently, even in boy-mode ……. it’s happening …. I know …. it’s what is right for me, it’s what I want ….. but it’s still a shock when it starts to happen ….. does that make any sense??

Which is why maybe I’m freaking out …… Maybe I’m closer to transition date than I realized and I’ve got sooooo much to do yet !!

Anyways …. something for me to think about !!! So, wanna hear about my minor reconsiderations of my decision? It’s sooooo odd how it doesn’t seem to be a big deal to me in that respect, anyways ….. I’ll add mwore later …. gotta go and do my best to free up some cell space in the county correctional facility !!