Real Life Test or Education ?

The whole idea of the Real Life Experience is in some way allow for that …… if it doesn’t go well …… if it doesn’t feel right ….. then you can go back ….. to dealing with things as a boy ……

And …… if that’s the case ……. then this is my question …….

What can I do …….
as far as a real life experience ………
that best preserves my opportunities ……..
to return to the community where I currently live ……….
if I decide to return to the male role ??

Legal Disclaimer Okay ….. let’s just get it out of the way ….. because I know some of you are thinking it ……… I wouldn’t even be considering the real life experience if I didn’t think it was really the right thing for me to do …… but addressing what to do if I start the real life experience and change my mind is just part of my cover all bases, consider all possibilities, look at as many issues as I can ……. before I jump into it …… that said ……

I think what I do depends on how I perceive the Real Life Experience ….. as a Test or an Education ….. as a girl on one of the boards I frequent recently stated …

Is it the culmination of transition or a step along the way? Is it to fully acclimitize you and make you fully emotionally female and able to socialize and live in the female role naturally and thoughtlessly? Or is it to put you in the position long enough to figure out if you’re making a mistake or not?

Let’s be real about this: I really don’t expect to commence the real life experience unless I expect it to be a successful endeavor ….. why would I try something anticipating failure ???? Well, deep down inside …. I don’t anticipate failure …. however, also deep down inside …. I still feel the need to provide for the possibility of a return to boy role if the transition proves too hard for my mom and dad and it doesn’t improve my quality of life enough to balance the pain I might be causing them …. and secondarily, hey, yeah …. I want to preserve the possibility for the return to boy role if I don’t feel I am really improving the quality of my life.

Along those lines …… I think that I perceive the Real Life Experience as made up of both …. a Real Life Test and a Real Life Education (what the??? Come on !!! That’s such a cop out !!! …. Yeah, I know 😛 …. but listen …….) I think the purpose of the test is simply to put me in the real life position in a female role long enough so that I can decide whether or not a permanent transition is right for me. For me, I think legitimately the Real Life Test has a definite answer …. Yes, transitioning would improve the quality of my life or No, transitioning would not improve the quality of my life. Even if I conclude that Yes, transitioning would improve the quality of my life, that still doesn’t mean I’ll transition …. (see above commentary on the impact on my parents) …. but, it makes it much more likely. (Ahhhh, yes, it’s not like I’m just starting the evaluation ….. I think that a lot of what I’ve done in the past three years is really part of the Real Life Test …. and I wouldn’t consider going to the 24-7 portion of the Test if I didn’t really think it’s going to continue improving the quality of my life). Now then …… I think the purpose of the Real Life Education is to acclimate me to the female role in a social and day to day life manner …. really, the Real Life Eduction is never ending …. for ts-girls or g-girls.

So …… now ….. I’m at the point where I need to do the 24-7 portion of the Test …. let’s not forget this too ……… I have very limited experience interacting with people while in the female role ……. it is my goal to transition in such a manner that I blend into society as a woman …….. with all of the advantages and disadvantages that entails ……. yeah, duh …… well, I say that because passing is critically important to me (remind me to write about the frequent confrontational arguments my shrink and I have had over this issue in the past …… I solved the problem …. but sometimes it’s so scary how easily you can play a shrink) ……. the real life test for me is to find out what it’s like to live as a woman, not as a transsexual woman …… now don’t get me wrong, I’m a transsexual woman, I will always be such ……. so transition or not, and forever afterwards ……. I will remain a transsexual woman ……. but I don’t want the average person in the street, the average clerk in the store, the average cashier at the movie theater to read me as a transsexual woman …….. along those lines …….. I have followed the Andrea James theory of transition planning ……. passing is from the neck up …….. focus on that (voice, beard, face ….. 2 billions hours of electrolysis completed, tracheal shave surgery, ffs scheduled, months of talking to myself into a voice recorder) ……. and don’t start incorporating female things into your male appearance until you are prepared to be outted ……… I’m not ready to be outted yet …… as such ………. though I pass rather well when in my female presentation …….. I don’t take needless risks ……. and that means even moderate interaction with people in my city of residence ….

So …………….I have to either figure out a way to try the 24-7 portion of the test in such a manner to control my “outting” or accept a significant risk of outting and plan for addressing it …….. because this is a fact ……. once outted my current career, as it exists today, ceases ……..

My plan if completely outted …… if it happens, it happens. My practice won’t survive, and I don’t want to spend the time and effort to build a new one. So I’ll wrap up my practice, incorporate whatever Shaft’s plans are into it ….. if he wants to continue the firm ….. I’ll do everything that I can do to help him along those lines. I’ll do whatever work I can find.

My ideal 24-7 portion of the test ….. One where a “temporary” disappearance could be explained allowing for my reappearance if I chose to return to boy role …. one where I could earn enough $$ to support myself ….. one where I could get experience interacting with people …… one where I would not have to move any significant distance for employment …..

I don’t think I will be able to work in a professional capacity in the female role for the 24-7 portion of the Test …. what I mean by that is though I fully expect to work in a professional (i.e. legal) environment if I have decided to live permanently in the female role, until I’m willing to commit to a permanent status, I won’t be able to gain permament or even temporary work as an attorney …. sure, I might be able to find something, but really, even if I could, I’m not sure I want the stress of lawyer work AND learning how to simply work as a woman …. I’m more inclined to think that a normal 9 – 5 type job would be best …… that said ….. I’m going to look for some temporary office work, clerical probably …. where I show up, work, and leave ….. do that for 4-5 days a week …… I do have feelers out with my contacts to keep their ears open if anything like that becomes available …..

So …. I guess that’s my plan for now ….. Implement my “ideal 24-7” portion of the Test. I’m not sure if I’m at a good end point for this In Depth Report ….. it’s more of a stream of consciousness writing …. which for me involves a couple of drafts, typing whatever pops into my mind, lots of cutting and pasting and a final read at some point ….. I’m not doing a final read on this anytime soon ….. hope though that it’s some food for thought ….. and remember, with respect to any conclusions, statements or opinions in the above commentary …… I could be wrong. 🙂