I sorta freaked

Along this gender highway ……. since I’ve started exploring what to do about things …. so basically ………. since my divorce …… in a dysfunctional,denial, avoidance sort of way ………. I’ve thrown up roadblocks …… to delay making a definitive decision what to do with my life ………. all self-imposed mind you …….. but roadblocks nonetheless …… what kind of roadblocks you query ??? (seriously, who uses the word query in their normal language but for a lawyer…….. for that matter ….. who says “but for” but for a lawyer)…… let’s see …… first of all …….. (cranking some Def Leppard right now ….. Pour Some Sugar On Me ….. has nothing to do with this blog though) …….. 1.) I pussyfooted (for lack of a better word) around discussing my problem with my first therapist ….. oh, I went to counseling regularly …… but played games in describing my problem ….. why?? …… in hopes ……. this would all go away ….. 2.) I dated and allowed myself to be set up ……. doesn’t sound major …… but it was that pursuit of if I found the “right” person ….. this would all go away …… 3.) After getting my “gender counselor” ……. I would go to counseling …… but again, really didn’t do anything constructive ……. going would make me feel like I was doing something …….. I would talk a good game ……. but didn’t do much …………… why ???? …. to avoid the inevitable decision in hopes that something would change and ……. this would all go away …… 4.) Even once I accepted that this wouldn’t all go away …….. (listening to Abba right now ….. Momma Mia …… what a music mix) ……. I could stall some things out in the evaluation of what I could do ……. why ???? …… because in a completely warped sort of way ….. even though I knew it wouldn’t go away …….. I still hoped this would all go away …….. 5.) Finally I set the final big hurdle ………. hormones ….. yeppers ……. hormones ……. let me start some hormone replacement therapy ……. let me see how it feels …… how I react to it …… does it feel right ??….. does it feel wrong ?? …….. so there I was ……. on Thursday, December 5, 2002 …… still in my suit and tie ….. talking with my doctor ……… about my hormone levels ………. I think in some sort of remaining denial sort of way ……… I was hoping that she was going to tell me that my hormone levels were not your typical pre-menstrual female …… but that the dosage levels needed to be modified because ……… my hormone levels remained typically male ………. so that we would have to spend some more time …….. while adjusting the dosage …….. to delay in evaluating its true impact on my state ………. to buy some time for it to ……. all go away ……… but instead ……. as she told me what my levels were ………. it became abundantly clear ……….. my hormone levels for the past several months ……. have been and remain …… completely ………………….. typically and normally …………..female …… I can’t deny it …….. not only does it feel right …….. not only am I happier …….. not only do I feel like I’m living life, not playing a role …….. but that most of the feelings of dysfuntion I had ……….. for so, very, very long …….. have …….. went away ……… leaving the inevitable decision that has to be made ………. in order for me to completely live life ……….yeah …….. I sorta freaked.