Whooo hoooo So whatcha know?

Whooo hooo So whatcha know? This is my first post to my new blog. Sort of a wild and interesting ride this will be, I’m sure !! lol So let’s get this off to a roaring start …. first things first, I’m a transsexual. Yeah, wicked wild, I know. I’m a Male to Female transsexual, so that means I was born biologically male, but for some reason, I self identify as a female. It’s really not clear why I’m this way, but current medical theory and research seems to suggest that when I was about 8 – 12 weeks old, still in the womb, my brain didn’t get the complete wash of testosterone that it should have ….. and that a portion of my brain that should have been hit with testosterone so that my brain would be wired to want to assume a guy’s role in life and know what to do with guy parts and be comfortable with them, didn’t get hit with the testosterone. Which means ….. it’s not natural for me to assume a guy’s role in life, I don’t instinctively know what to do in the guy role with guy parts and I’m really not comfortable having guy parts. Crazy, huh? So, does that mean I’m gay ?? Nopers, that’d make things way too easy. You see, gay/lesbian has to do with sexual attraction to others. If you gay or lesbian, you are sexually attracted to members of the same sex. In my case, I don’t find same sex relationships arousing at all. My brain is wired to respond to sexual interactions with members of the opposite sex. But my brain was miswired to expect me to be in a girl’s role, to instinctively know what to do with girl parts and to be comfortable with girl parts. So …….. in my past as a biological male, though my brain wanted relationships with members of the opposite sex, i.e. women, it wasn’t comfortable in the guy role, didn’t know what in the world to do in sexual situations and was very uncomfortable not only with the guy parts but touching women’s parts (at some level, that sort of felt like lesbian sex to me). But hey, I faked it the best I could. I did the typical guy things, played the male chauvanist pig role really well, got married, good career, (no children, though I wish I had children, it’s best that I don’t for now). In fact, for 34 years, I never told a soul about my problem. Even though I knew I had a problem, that something wasn’t right, from the time I was about 4 years old. I learned real early that it’s not a good problem to have and that I had better keep it a secret. Which I did. About 5 years ago, my wife left me (not because of this problem directly, but probably indirectly it had something to do with it). We finalized the divorce about 3 years ago. Since then, I’ve been really actively trying to address my problem. I’ve seen therapists up the whaazooo, medical doctors (yep, the old unit has been poked, prodded, pricked (ironic use of the word), and tested to its fullest extent ….. it’s healthy and functional, it’s just that my brain isn’t set up to use it 🙁 ), I’ve been to support groups for crossdressers, support groups for transsexuals, seminars, conventions for everyone with any sort of issue, read thousands of pages, books, you name it. And I’m still working on it. But basically, I’ve narrowed things down to three choices ……. and stay with me folks …….. I’m going to make this choice within the next 6 months !!!! So stay tuned …… this could be some good reading !!!! LOL Anywho, these are the choices: Choice A – Proceed with transitioning to living as a woman and having gender reassignment surgery, Choice B – Stay living in guy mode, but incorporate prescription drugs to reduce the discomfort associated with the problem (yep, go figure, there’s discomfort with having this problem) and Choice C – Revert to Denial Mode and stop medications and live it out faking it as a man. For a thorough discussion of these choices, what I’ve considered and what’s involved, please see the link in my Links section called Choices. A quick summary, I did Choice C for 37 years, things were getting worse and worse, it’s unlikely I’d choose this one, but I haven’t ruled it out completely. Downside to Choice C – medical research suggests that things would just get worse for me and the risk of suicide would increase significantly. That leaves Choices A and B. Choice A sucks because I really like the perks of being a man, treated with respect, can do anything I want, takes no time at all to get ready, people assume I’m smart ….. you know the drill. I also know how had it would be on my family and friends. Most of my family that know I’m dealing with this have been great so far, but you never know what would happen if I choose Choice A. And my friends that know have been super, but I’m sure I’d lose some friends if I choose Choice A. And you have that fear of the unknown, what if it’s the completely wrong thing when I get there. Simply said, it would disrupt my entire life in every respect. Choice B sucks because it’s a compromise. I know what needs to be done to “cure” me. Fair chance that I would spend the rest of my life alone with Choice B, which is really sad. Well, that’s that. As you can seen, Choice A and Choice B seem to be the leading candidates. Stay tuned ….. this blog will be all about my efforts in deciding between Choice A and Choice B and what’s going on in each respect.