• You know what
• You know what I’m finding ??? I’m finding myself lying an awful lot …… and in uncomfortable ways …… and ways I don’t like …. today ….. I’m at the dentist office and ….. yep, they wanted me to update my records …. same ol, same ol …… and nope, I didn’t disclose my prescription medications. In fact, I’m finding myself not completely updating things like that a lot of times now …… not good.
• It was absolutely beautiful outside on the way into the office this morning ….. big, fluffy snow flakes ….. though it was brrrrrrrr cold.
• Today’s Answer to a Frequently Asked Question – Why do you think you’re a girl?
Well, I wouldn’t say I think I’m a girl ….. because, I’m well aware that I have a male anatomy. I guess I would say it’s more of a feeling that it’s my nature to be female. Huh, what ?? Well, maybe it’s more of a feeling that I was supposed to have a female anatomy and that a female role is more natural to me. Let’s see …… I can do better than that ….. okay, let’s start at the beginning …. as this is not something that has just recently appeared in my life …. I have had it my entire life. I can remember it being an “issue” for me as far back as when I was 4 years old. Even then I had a feeling I wasn’t a boy. However, being the incredibly smart child that I was, I didn’t tell anyone !! I just knew something wasn’t “right”. Between the time I was probably 5 until I was 18, every night I said a silent prayer that I would be “fixed”. (FYI – Obviously never happened.) I can say that I did not know then what my problem was, I just knew that something didn’t feel quite right ….. again that feeling thing. I did a lot of research when I was in high school trying to find out as much as I could about transsexualism. All very secretly, to make sure no one would wonder what I was doing. (Hey, I even had false high school id and library cards so the books and periodicals I checked out could not be traced to me. What a paranoid geek !!) I really didn’t know the difference between a transsexual or a transvestite, so I tried to identify which was which and if I was either. For the most part, I decided I was neither. Clothes were not a fetish thrill for me, and though I knew that something was amiss with me, I didn’t feel like a man trapped in a woman’s body. (I still don’t …. I really don’t feel “trapped” in this male body, it just doesn’t feel natural to me.) So I figured I was neither and it was something that would go away, something I would out grow, a phase I was going through. If I studied hard enough, worked hard enough, did the typical guy things, it would not be an issue. And I did those things ….. I’d gotten really good at acting the guy role, but the feeling never went away. In fact, the only time I seemed to find the feeling going away …… was when I was not acting in the guy role, but being me in the girl role. So in a lame answer way …. I don’t think I’m a girl, I feel as if I am a girl and that being in the female role with female anatomy is very natural for me ….. Hmmmm let’s try this for an example …… For most of my life I have felt as if I’m play the leading part in a movie …. it’s a good role ….. and it’s a fun role to play …… and though I’m really good at my role …. I know I’m just acting ……. I’m an actor and I’m playing the part ….. and though a lot of my personality comes through in the way I play the role ….. the character is really not me ….. it’s just the part I’m playing …… and just like an actor knows that he or she is really not the character they are playing …… I know I’m really not this character ……. and I’d like to finish the part and just be me.
