Amy’s Press Conference – Question Five
Kelly says:
I’ll bite and give this a try. Here goes:
After two years on hormones (has it been that long already?) and living full time outside of work (I’m a teacher and my gender correction seems to be a problem with the school system, though my principal and fellow teachers know and are supportive) I still look like a guy. Yeah, I look more girly then I did, and my twins look pretty amazing, but the face just screams guy. Short of having FFS (can’t swing that on a teacher’s salary), what’s a girl to do? I see girls like you and I just don’t know if I can pull this off. Need a pick me up in Louisville!
Hey girl ! *hug*
Let’s see …
Life is one giant, big ass transition.
Yuhp, I know … that’s really nothing too deep,
But hey,
That’s the greatest level of philosophical depth which I can reach …
And we just have to deal with it,
Since I’m the one answer the questions at this Press Conference,
So stay with me here, kids:
When a transsexual transitions, it’s really no different than many other transitions in their own life or transitions in natals’ lives … from school to work, from single to married, from spouse to parent, from parent to grandparent, from married to widowed, from married to more married (for those viewers from Utah), from one locale to another … blah, blah, blah.
And whether you’re transsexual or natal, some transitions seem more HUGE than others …
Getting married phreaks some folks out, having children rattles others, getting divorced dysfunctionalizes still others … everyone is different.
But usually it seems,
Whenever anyone is in the middle of that HUGE transition of the moment for them,
The feel like they are stagnating,
Like things are going oh so slow,
When they really aren’t:
This divorce is just draaaaaaaggggggging on forever,
I feel like I’m going to be pregnant for the rest of my life,
Oh my gawd, I’m expected to sleep with them, and only them, for the rest of my life.
And really,
In my humble opiniooooon,
A transsexual dealing with his or her transsexualism,
Is really no different than other HUGE types of transitions in a being’s life.
And my thoughts on what to do in all those HUGE transition cases,
When a feeling of exasperation appears,
Is to take a step back and look at what has actually been accomplished.
And from what you’ve told me in your question,
Well, chica …
It doesn’t sound like you’re stagnating at all.
1. You’ve been on hormones for two years – a lot of girls wish they could say that;
2. You’ve got some fairly decent breast development – hell, I was never able to say that; and,
3. You’re living chica outsideda work … which is exactly where I was a mere two annual units of measurement ago.
You’ve already accomplished a great deal.
Not to mention, it sounds like you’ve identified you next surgery goal, FFS.
As far as how you attain the FFS goal, well, you probably know your situation better than anyone, but from a non-financial perspective, I can tell you that once you figure out the finance part of it, as a teacher who I’m speculating gets the summer months off, there are a lot of girls who think you’ve got a great situation because you’ll actually have more flexibility in your calendar to recover. So jot that down as another good thing going for ya.
Also, if you’re seeing a counselor, talk with them about your FFS goal. If you’re not seeing a counselor, consider meeting with one. They are far more qualified than I to know the details of your situation and may have some useful ideas, suggestions, advice. And yes, I know … me suggesting seeing a counselor is quite ironic. Whatever. 
But still, never close opportunities to learn something, just be willing to decide for yourself whether what you’re hearing works for you or not.
And lastly, consider you this:
I think FFS is a great option for many of us,
But I think oftentimes it is more for one’s self-confidence than out of absolute necessity for passing,
Being able to re-integrate into the world as a woman.
And the more you’re out and about,
Just living,
The more your self-confidence will increase.
But note,
Self-confidence in passing and just living is totally different than comparing your appearance to others.
Just as you said, you “see girls like me and wonder if you’ll [I’ll] ever be able to pull it off”,
Not only was I thinking the exact same thing just a couple of years ago,
But I still think it often today.
Those that know me in real life are well aware I don’t pack a bunch of self-confidence about my appearance,
You see,
One of the things about being a girl is …
There’s always another girl of which you’re aware,
Who is prettier, kuter, and for those of us T, more passable than you.
We are constantly being judged and compared to other women …
By others, and quite often,
By ourselves.
It just comes with the territory.
It’s what others do.
It’s what we do.
But just as there are always going to be women prettier than you or me,
There are also women skank uglier than you or me, too.
So my advice to you …
Is make sure you also notice those,
It’ll help your self-confidence !!! 
Got the appt. changed to the 12th and will be in Chicago from Saturday on. I sent you an email about getting together for that beer.
Seriously, me? I will call them tomorrow and see about getting it rescheduled. That would be so cool to hang with you for a couple cold ones, of course I can’t do that Coors Light thing (did the study abroad in England senior year of college and learned a bit about beer). Girl, that would mean so much to me. I will do my best to get it changed to later in the week and will let you know. Just want you to know I’m smiling!!!!
ps. no 24 update this week?
Hey Kelly … I’m going to be in Chicago for the Be-All convention June 9-11 … any way to reschedule for that time so I can buy ya a beer ???
Got the call today from Chris at Dr. Z’s and have an appointment for a consultation on June 5th. Could have done it over the phone, but why pass up a trip to Chicago. Gives me something to look forward to.
Clio, thanks for replying to my question. I’m sorry you’re not happy with your nose … I’ve had mine done several times with little to NO change except to the tip. The surgeries were done by doctors who didn’t know “My Function”, so maybe that explains their conservative approach. At the time, the literature I was reading as “research” stressed not to bring pictures or being too specific with your surgeon ‘lest he reject you for surgery (how stupid is that and as far as I’m concerned there are several authors out there who are long overdue for a good bitch-slap!). So, I’ve learned to be as vocal as need be to get the doctor’s attention, but realisticly that’s no guarantee of a desired outcome. Some physicians are too impressed with themselves to really listen (i.e., a consult is all about them listing to themselves talk and what they can do and how well they do it and thanks for coming … wham-bam-thank you ma’am). In researching FFS, I came across a chat-room that discussed how profitable FFS is for surgeons considering fees of appx. $30,000-$60,000+ that we’re willing to spend to achieve a feminine appearance possibly encouraging less than skilled surgeons to take advantage of eager and willing TS patients. As I’ve discovered, some girls come out of FFS extremely beautiful, some are very pretty and some are still a little rough around the edges … so I agree, we roll the dice and hope for the best. Hugs, Sharon
Hi Sharon,
Let me clarify my position (following consultation with my legal team “Howie Screwum & Why”) – my point was that all surgeons do amazing work but at the end of the day – they can have a bad day, they are after all, only human. What didn’t I like about my surgery. Hmmm, the nose job was far from what I’d expected, granted my nose was broken a few years ago and Dr. Z did state that it was “a really phucked up nose” all that said, it is still considerably too wide to pass for a feminine nose and I guess I’ve had more than a few people come up to me long after surgery had been done telling me that I could have benefited from a nose job when I had surgery HELLO. Chin work wasn’t all that great either. All that said, Dr.Z did say he’d do repair work for free but I live in Ireland and flights, accommodation, anaesthesia and other bits and bobs aren’t.
If I were to give you some advice, it would be this. Make sure you are the ONLY patient of Dr.Z’s who is having surgery that day and if you are not (like me) then please ensure you are the surgery scheduled for the afternoon, I think this is a safer bet.
A little further clarification. Dr.Z does have talent, no question there – just look at Amy. On the day of my surgery, I was scheduled for the morning (I wasn’t aware there were other patients going under the knife on the same day) and a patient who had been to Dr.O and had some questionable work done by him was having surgery in the afternoon. Had I know prior to travelling to the US that I was not going to be the only patient having surgery that day – I would have insisted on a later surgery or rescheduled so that I had the full attention of the surgeon.
Please, please, please……find out if there is more than one person scheduled for surgery the day you are scheduled for…..
Let me finish on this, the comments I have mede are my own personal experience of the surgery I had done in Chicago in 2005 and for every 1 person who has had a poor result – there are probably many more who have had excellent results. Advice: research, research, research!!!!!!!!!
clío
Clio, Gulp! I just put a deposit down to have Dr. Z do my FFS … were there specific things about your FFS that you disliked?
Kelly, for what its worth … the main thing I’ve encountered in researching Dr. O is that girls don’t always like the noses he gives them. Too much of a scoop. Though that may be just ’cause they had a specific nose in mind when they went into their FFS. My consult with him was a pleasant experience. The only trouble I had was navigating San Francisco to get to his office-haha!
Dr. Z did a phone consult and was WAY easy to talk to and wanted to hear what my concerns were regarding my face.
Another thing, you probably know what concerns you most about your face. Don’t let someone talk you into extra procedures that you’re not comfortable with. Just have done what YOU want done.
Aaaaaaammmmyyyyy! Where are those photos? Am I gonna’ have to spank you! Naughty Girl (wink).
Thanks both of you. I am just now in the early stages of planning and am starting to research different doctors and the procedures. I am hoping for June of 2007 for surgery on the noggin.
I have a consult with a surgeon in Cleveland, have emailed Dr. Z, have a consult with a doc here in Louisville, go see my gender therapist tonight in Lexington and she is checking on two doctors at the University of Kentucky.
I value everyones opinion and will listen to their advice. I know that I am going to have to have this done. If I am to keep my job as a teacher, then I am going to have to look the part as best as possible. I simply don’t right now and that is okay for the time being. Thanks again for the tips and info. Everyone here at AmyNews is so awesome. Especially the Jedi!!!!!!!!
Clio !!! E-mail me or ping me when you get a chance !!! It’s so good to hear from ya !!! 🙂
Good advice Clio … I’m not one to tell anyone who they should go to for their work. Instead, I will tell you that you need to evaluate it, research it and make the decision based on your needs and wants. In making my decision, I researched and studied the beejeebers out of things. I know eons more about FFS surgical techiques and procedures than the little I know about breast implants or grs procedures. I knew what I thought I needed with my face and based my decision on that. There are fierce advocates on all sides of the coin, you have to sort through that stuff and make the decision that you decide is right for you, and remember, only you know what’s the right decision. 🙂
Just to point out something though….all surgeons have good days and bad days, they perform good surgical procedures and they perform not so good – suffice to say, if you are going to base an outcome on how others have turned out, this might not be a particularly wise move. Dr. Z is capable of really good work (ala Amy) and not so good work (ala me) – you roll the dice and take your chances but as Amy says…….get what’s best for you!!!! and don’t let money be the only decider, FFS is probably considerably more important than SRS b’cos, unless you’re gonna be a nude pole dancer, nobody’s is going to see the work down below – you face on the other hand is a whole ‘nuther matter!!!!
Well Kelly, I’m not going to get into the issue as to which FFS surgeon is the best or not, it’s a pretty darn fierce crowd when it comes to them, there, those opiniooooons. Dr. O is certainly in the top group though. 🙂
However, I think we’re lucky enough to have several surgeons that are proving themselves capable of skilled work.
Personally, I’m very fond of Dr. Zukowski, he did all of my face work (and my boobs, too). I think he’s got a great a great eye for facial feminization, some super techniques and is quite talented. Not to mention his personal care and attention continues to impress me.
But who is “best” really comes down to who is “best for you”. Research, talk to others, ask questions, review pictures. I flipped/flopped between Dr. O and Dr. Z multiple times before I finally went with Dr. Z. This isn’t a decision that should come down to price as it’s really one of the most important decisions you’ll make as part of your transition. Think about it … more people will see your face daily than your vagina or breasts. Research, research, research and think for yourself. If possible, try to go to a transgender convention … Dr. O and Dr. Z are usually there giving talks and free consults, along with some other surgeons. The Be-All conference in Chicago is June 8, 2006 – June 11, 2006. I know Dr. Z will be there, I can’t imagine Dr. O won’t be, as he is always there too. (I’ll be there as well, which is really why you should go, ’cause seriously, what’s more fun than watching me making an ass out of myself !?! :))
There are also some great sites out there to check out to begin your research, such as the Beginning Life website and their facial feminization board.
Feel free to ask me questions and viewers, don’t hesitate to offer other suggestions, too. 🙂
Amy,
Well, after a lot of debate, a lot of research and a lot of tears, it has become evident that FFS is my goal. I was wondering if you or any of the AmyNews fans could recommend any good docs. I know that Dr. O is the best, but am trying to be realistic here. Trying to stay in Ky, Oh, Tn, or In area if possible. Any names would be great.
Thanks from a girl who just wants to blend in….
Thanks girls! I go to bed tonight with a smile on my face knowing that things will be okay. Love the site, read it daily for all the pick me ups and crazy Amy stories! (:
Excellent points Maaahster !!! 🙂
The world isn’t fair. An ambiguous face may be enough, but a face that screams MALE won’t do. If you need facial surgery for others to accept you as female, you need it. It’s not optional. It may take an extra job and saving for years. You might have to cross your fingers and take a chance on a surgeon without a big name or one on the other side of an ocean. You may need to settle for “good enough” surgery – the minimum you need, not all you want.
We do what we must do, but be warned, you can’t buy acceptance. Having a face that doesn’t gender you instantly as male is necessary, but alone it isn’t enough. A proper voice and appropriate presentation are also absolutely essential. Luckily, voice and presentation can be refined without spending much money.
Kelly … two years ago I was saying the same thing about other girls, how they had their act together and got through it, and how I wanted to learn from them … I try to share what I share here, what I seemed to do right, and what I seemed to do wrong, so others can learn from my successes and failures … it wouldn’t surprise me that in two years some girls dealing with their ts’ism will be looking at you and thinking the same that you have your act together and they want to learn from your experiences.
However, others will try to bring you down at times and there is little you can do about it. Some people just like to judge others. I took a hit as recently as yesterday. If you’re T, with those type of people, they just have something easy to judge you about.
Personally, I think FFS is a wonderful option for us, but it’s not at all about beauty. It’s about making it easier to just blend into the world, that’s all. For me, blending in was more important than “parts is parts”, which is why in my priority of transition steps, FFS was early in the process. Everything I did as part of my transition at first was above the neck. Andrea’s thoughts were what I used in designing my plans, but everyone’s priorities are different. I once met a girl who had every surgery complete, was simply gorgeous, lived fulltime, but hadn’t had an hour of electrolysis and a fairly prominent 5 o’clock shadow, even under some heavy make-up. But she was comfortable with it and had confidence in herself … the priorities she set for herself worked for her.
Unfortunately, none of this krap is covered by insurance in most cases, and it’s all outta pocket, so you just have to set your priorities as you figure out your transition plan and go with it.
*hugs* 🙂
Stacy,
I understand what you are saying and please know I could care less about being some beauty queen but I think my point was that I am at this difficult juncture in my transisition where self-doubt and loathing has taken over. I am trying so hard to not worry about what others think or see, I really am.
I am very blessed in that I have very supportive friends and a family that is behind me 100%. Also know that I am doing this alone for the most part and my only connection to others who have gone before me is online.
I am just looking for words of wisdom from those who have succeeded at this. I know is sounds kinda goofy, but I see someone like Amy who clearly has it all together and I hope that I too can one day have that life.
I have no doubts about what I am doing, would not change a thing and for the most part I could care less about the rest of the world (save my friends and fam) but yeah, it sometimes does hurt when people stare or make rude comments. I have dealt with a lifetime of depression over this and when I am in (as Amy would say) chica mode, I feel good about myself until others try to bring me down.
I don’t believe that all the answers lie under the surgeons knife and lord knows I certainly can’t afford most of them so I will just have to learn to hold my head up high and do the best I can. Thanks for posting.
Kelly
i’ve spent a whole day wondering if i should keep my fool mouth shut, or say something…
*sigh*
first, i’m going to quote from a story i wrote: But really, it’s only worse because I still feel as if there’s something wrong about me. No surgeon can change that.(The World Will Never Be the Same)http://msstacy13.burningpaper.net/archives/005362.html
next, i’m going to ask you, kelly, to imagine your funeral… your best friend stands up to say something about you… do you want her to say, “Kelly sure as hell had the prettiest face money could buy.”
*blink*
think about what really matters,
especially what matters most to you…
if you want to be the embodiment of a frat house wet dream, if that’s what’s truly important to you, then i’m all for it, and even though i don’t know you, i’ll cheer for you and cheer you on…
but don’t let a scramble for acceptance or approval by society turn you away from what really matters to you…
It is a long process and while I sometimes don’t see the proverbial light at the end of the tunnel, I know that I am making progress. As my therapist told me last week, “You are being way tooooo hard on yourself”. She is right as I am my toughest critic.
It’s just that my confidence is having a hard time recovering from a lifetime of feeling as if there was something wrong with me for being trans. I try to hold my head up high and not worry, but I feel the stares and hear the whispers. I want them to stop.
Thanks for the encouragment and words of wisdom as hoepfully one day soon, this little chica just won’t give a damn what others think. Until then, I will take these small steps, revel in success and know that any setbacks are just that, not the end all.
Thanks Girls!
For what it’s worth Kelly,
I worked my way up to getting some self-confidence in a nauseatingly slow manner:
For the longest time just working up the nerve to return videos to the drop box at Blockbuster was a huge accomplishment for me …
Then I worked my way up to walking the mall (deliberately choosing the one no one really went to just to have some interaction with real people, but not much) …
Then I did the movies, at first purchasing the ticket beforehand in boy-mode, then returning later chica to watch the flick …
Then hanging out in more social/active settings with my peeps protecting me …
Then going out in the world on my own in those same settings …
Each stage was scary, but with each success, or even just with surviving each step, I gained more confidence.
However, I’m not so sure if it’s confidence really, or if it I just stopped caring. Maybe those two are closely related.
Words of wisdom Amy, words of wisdom…
The only things I can add for Kelly is that hair removal, attaining the best possible weight, and appropriate use of make-up all help one look better and more feminine. And, once you get past the visuals, voice is oh so important.
But in the end, it all comes down to self-confidence. Present yourself as the woman you are and most people respond accordingly.
Ok Ill take a crack at this I jsut had ffs yes I look better but no it has not made any one accept me more. very blunt and quick here #1 thing to help me pass was not ffs its a good wig, glasses and make up try all on wile enfem. #1 thing to help people accept you is controll the siuitation and information.
Take Care
Gina Barker