you<\/a> are.)<\/p>\nThough maybe if it is no longer popping in your head,<\/p>\n
You don’t remember.<\/p>\n
To which I respond …<\/p>\n
Yay !!<\/p>\n
There’s hope !! \ud83d\ude42<\/p>\n
Anyways,<\/p>\n
So for those of you that have no clue what I’m talking about,<\/p>\n
The Popping Question is …
\n
\nAm I being read?<\/i><\/p>\n
(Or its related derivatives … “Was I just read?<\/i>” and “Did she\/he\/they\/it\/whatever read me?<\/i>“)<\/p>\n
It’s quite annoying.<\/p>\n
Because in many ways,<\/p>\n
It impacts my enjoyment of so many casual interactions with people I really don’t know that well. (It doesn’t apply to people I know well, because everyone I know well … well, knows my function ! :))<\/p>\n
And though meaningless,<\/p>\n
Those casual interactions are really fun to have …<\/p>\n
At least for me.<\/p>\n
I’m fairly comfortable making spontaneous comments to pretty much anyone …<\/p>\n
It entertains me,<\/p>\n
Which is of course very important since as we all know …<\/p>\n
It’s all about me.<\/p>\n
I like saying something nice or funny or witty or opinionated to pretty much any clerk, counter person or whoever I might encounter during the course of the day.<\/p>\n
I really don’t think much about it,<\/p>\n
I just do it.<\/p>\n
But so many times,<\/p>\n
Afterwards …<\/p>\n
I wonder,<\/p>\n
Was that<\/i> a look of recognition I noticed in their eyes?<\/p>\n
Or when I’m feeling especially obsessive …<\/p>\n
Could that possibly have been a look of recognition I noticed in their eyes? I mean, I think I noticed that they looked at me like … twice.<\/p>\n
Obviously,<\/p>\n
The nagging Question is …<\/p>\n
Really a social-being euphoria buzz-kill.<\/p>\n
I hate it.<\/p>\n
But I keep asking it of myself,<\/p>\n
Even when there’s no good reason to wonder.<\/p>\n
Sometimes, well, actually, oftentimes …<\/p>\n
I have totally safe, easy, conversations with whomever,<\/p>\n
And there’s not a hint of recognition,<\/p>\n
None in their looks,<\/p>\n
Nor in the words they’ve chosen to use.<\/p>\n
Yet still, the moment I’m off stage …<\/p>\n
Walking to my car,<\/p>\n
I’m asking myself The Question.<\/p>\n
Krap.<\/p>\n
Why do I do this ??<\/p>\n
Now of course,<\/p>\n
I’ve self-analyzed this to death …<\/p>\n
Heck, why do you think I do so many silly quizzes here ? \ud83d\ude42<\/p>\n
And something I’ve concluded is that …<\/p>\n
At this point in my transition,<\/p>\n
It’s not “being read” that bothers me so much,<\/p>\n
No … instead,<\/p>\n
It’s the “not knowing if I’m being read or not” that bothers me.<\/p>\n
I pass comfortably enough where it’s usually not clear to me whether or not someone has figured out my function …<\/p>\n
I’m not saying people haven’t, I have to believe they have.<\/p>\n
But I’m guessing it’s been a good four or five months since I’ve had blatant confirmation … (as in “Would you like anything else … SIR?<\/i>” … “Why yes, thank you, the name of the diet you’re on, I’ve been looking to gain 300 lbs and you’ve seemed to have managed it quite nicely.<\/i>” Yeah, okay, I didn’t actually deliver that response, but I can comfortably attest to the fact that each of you would probably be a little bothered how close I actually did come to saying it.)<\/p>\n
Which means … there’s a lot of people who I have interacted with that I have no definitive proof that I’ve passed in their observation …<\/p>\n
And, no definitive proof that I haven’t.<\/p>\n
Which leads me to experience …<\/p>\n
A ton of paranoia.<\/p>\n
It drives me up the wall …<\/p>\n
Because I look for the slightest little hint or single nuance in their behavior to clue me into whether or not …<\/p>\n
I’m being read.<\/p>\n
And many times, my oversensitization has been completely wrong …<\/p>\n
Looking for something that’s just not there.<\/p>\n
I know for a phact several times where I was convinced I was read, only later to find out that I definitely wasn’t.<\/p>\n
And I’m sure there are times I have been read where I haven’t a clue.<\/p>\n
Yet, I really don’t think this obsessiveness with wondering what other people are thinking about me is anything too out of the ordinary …<\/p>\n
Especially at this stage of my transition.<\/p>\n
Many natal girls are very aware of their surroundings and aware when someone is looking at them and whispering,<\/p>\n
Teen girls (which I don’t need any comparisons with thank you very much) go through this stage of insecurity too.<\/p>\n
I think it’s natural,<\/p>\n
When someone is looking at you … or you’re feeling some insecurity about yourself and think someone is looking at you,<\/p>\n
To imagine, worry … they’ve identified your weakness:<\/p>\n
That you’re not as cool as you try to look,<\/p>\n
That you’re not as wealthy as you’re trying to apepar,<\/p>\n
That you’re not as cute as you’re trying to be,<\/p>\n
That you’re not as natally female as you’re trying to present.<\/p>\n
And learning to deal with the feeling helps one gain confidence in themselves,<\/p>\n
While finer tuning their social interaction skills and instincts to better know when someone is talking about you and when they’re not.<\/p>\n
But just because it’s a natural stage in one’s growth<\/p>\n
And probably serves a very valid purpose,<\/p>\n
Doesn’t mean it’s not a pain.<\/p>\n
I can’t wait until I grow out of this stage. \ud83d\ude42<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
At some point, I suppose … The Question will stop popping in my head. Eventually. At least I hope. Because … I’ve already tired of it. If you’re T … You probably know to what Question I’m referring. (At least I know some of you are.) Though maybe if it is no longer popping in…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_kad_blocks_custom_css":"","_kad_blocks_head_custom_js":"","_kad_blocks_body_custom_js":"","_kad_blocks_footer_custom_js":"","_kadence_starter_templates_imported_post":false,"_kad_post_transparent":"","_kad_post_title":"","_kad_post_layout":"","_kad_post_sidebar_id":"","_kad_post_content_style":"","_kad_post_vertical_padding":"","_kad_post_feature":"","_kad_post_feature_position":"","_kad_post_header":false,"_kad_post_footer":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[139],"tags":[],"taxonomy_info":{"category":[{"value":139,"label":"General"}]},"featured_image_src_large":false,"author_info":{"display_name":"Amy","author_link":"https:\/\/amynews.com\/author\/amy\/"},"comment_info":16,"category_info":[{"term_id":139,"name":"General","slug":"general","term_group":0,"term_taxonomy_id":143,"taxonomy":"category","description":"","parent":0,"count":775,"filter":"raw","cat_ID":139,"category_count":775,"category_description":"","cat_name":"General","category_nicename":"general","category_parent":0}],"tag_info":false,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/amynews.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/946"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/amynews.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/amynews.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/amynews.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/amynews.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=946"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/amynews.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/946\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/amynews.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=946"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/amynews.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=946"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/amynews.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=946"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}